[ Essayes and Characters (1615) by John Stephens, 2nd edition, is fully reproduced from Books of Characters illustrating the Habits and Manners of Englishmen from the Reign of James I to the Restoration selected by James Orchard Halliwell and published London 1857. The page numbering from Halliwell's edition has been retained.]
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Essayes and Characters,
Ironicall, and Instructive.
The second impression.
New Satyre in defence of Common Law and Lawyers,
Mixt with reproofe against their
With many new Characters,
divers other things added; and every thing amended.
By John Stephens the yonger,
of Lincolnes Inne, Gent.
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Two Bookes of Characters.
The first Booke.
An Impudent Censurer
IS the torture-monger of Wit, ready for execution before Judgement. Nature hath dealt wisely with him in his outeside ; for it is a priviledge against confutation, and will beget modesty in you to see him out-face : Hee is so fronted with striving to discountenance knowledge, by the contempt of it, as you would thinke him borne to insolence, though indeed it bee habituall and comes by negligence of his company, which rather seeke to laugh and continue, then to reforme his vanity. A Chimney-sweeper may converse with him very safely, without the hazard of blushing : and so may any that will contemne his ignorance : Buffets will convince him better then language or reason : That proves him ranke-bestiall, descended from the walking Apes ; which on the Mountaines seeme carefull Inhabitants, but at your approach / p.134 / the formality of man only. The Land-theefe, and Sea-captaine, be never lesse out of their way, but wiser commonly about their object : They spare to wound poore travellers, but he incounters any thing not worth eye-sight. Hee will seeme to cleanse Bookes of errors : but take him in his true knowledge, and hee cannot doe so much good as a Fellow that sweepes gutters. A wise mans minde governes his body, his minde is onely restrained by a bodily feare : And if you hope to be released of what he dares, you must inforce him to what he dares not ; and then you shall perceive him to be the comicall braggard, or the Jingling spur. Lay aside this medicine and he is incurable, for he is so ravisht with his own folly, as hee often commends what he misinterprets, and still dispraises (if he scorne the Author) because hee cannot perceive. To commend therefore and discommend what he conceives not, is alike tolerable and equall : Neither is it to be admired if he dislikes the soundest workes of a good Author : for he regardes not the workes and writings of God himselfe : if he did, he would imbrace charity, and so censure lesse. The wilde Arabian comprehends him fully : for as the one, so the other, takes tribute and exaction of all passengers, except acquaintance and familiars : if any thing makes him praise-worthy, this must, or nothing : because he seemes (by this means) morall in friendship and so in some kind vertuous : But his applause and detraction, are both odious, because abounding through his meere pleasure : And as some sluttish people take pleasure in their owne excrements, and relish the pickings of their nose ; so hee, his owne opinion. When al Trades perish, he may turne Shop-keeper, and deale / p.135 / with Ballance : For in weights and measures none is more deceitfull. Hee ponders pithy volumes by the dram or scruple, but small errours by the pound. If he takes courage in his humour, hee haunts the Authours company, recites the worke, intends it to some third person, and after he hath damnd the thing in question, he refers himselfe to the right owner ; who, if hee be there manifest, must conjure this devill quickely, or he will seeme honest, and give satisfaction : but call his life in question, and he betraies his guiltinesse, which then accuses him of false dealing howsoever ; yes, though he hath commented rightly ; for he commends ignorantly, and discommends scandalously. So delighting in his humour, he makes his Free-hold an Inheritance : put it to the hazard, and he will compound for the title. When he misses the censure of bookes, he proves alway the most harmeles, deriding, impudent, and absurd foole in the company : and he takes it for granted still that every conceite being his owne is most ingenious—let him adde folly and I grant him.
A Compleate Man
IS an impregnable Tower : and the more batteries he hath undergone, the better able he is to continue immoveable. The time and he are alwaies friends : for he is troubled with / p.136 / no more then he can well imploy ; neither is that lesse, then will every way discharge his Office ; So he neither surfetts with Idlenesse, nor action. Calamities, and Court preferments doe alike move him, but cannot remove him : Both challenge from him a convenient use, no vilde endeavour, either to swell or dispaire. His religion, learning, and behaviour, hold a particular correspondence : He commands the latter, whilst himselfe and both be commanded by the first. He chuses men as good Musitians chuse their Vialls ; by sound, rather then by the sight : he may well give his affections leave to wander ; for (like a well-mannd Hawke) they bee alwaies within whistling. Hee holdes it presumption to knowe, what should be looked, or thought upon with wonder ; and therfore rather then he will exceed, he can be lesse then himselfe : accounting it more noble to immitate the friutfull [lit.] bough which stoopes under a pretious burthen ; then applaud the tall eminence of a fruitlesse Birch-tree : knowing Humility is a fitter step to knowledge, then presumption. He seemes willingly to seeke acquaintance with vice and with temptation, meaning to allure it, til, without suspition, he may soone disrobe and disarme it : Like the Sunne which enters to the most polluted places, but is not anything the more polluted. Or having laboured to know the strength of follie, he knowes it to be his Captive. From hence proceeds his victorie, in that he can prevent mischiefe, and scorne the advantage of basenesse. His wit and apprehension (like the insinuating ayre) will pierce through lesse cranyes then the pores of a mans bodie. His worthinesse to bee rewarded hee may conceale : But his desire to doe nobly, in a better kinde, his / p.137 / actions will not suffer to bee unknowne : by which the world can judge hee deserves, and save him from the scandall of a Cunning Hypocrite. If merits direct him in the way to honor, they doe not leave him in the way to honour, but are his best attendants to accompany his whole preferment : For to deserve what hee obtaines, and to deserve no more is sluggish ; to deserve after a thing bestowed, is duely thankefull ; But a continued merit stops accusation. He is thankfull for whatsoever hee receives by the worlds favour : And hee neglects no profite which the time affoords, by insufficiency to discerne it or to recompence it : For what hee observes, passeth through the forge of his wisedome, which refines it ; and the file of his practise, which confirmes it as a good patterne : So the interest exceedes the principall, and (which exceeds all) praiseth the Usurer. It may seeme strange that a compleate man is a good Carpenter : but (take my meaning as you list) his actions are directed by the Line and Square. The name of guilt (with him) is vanished under the charme of a good conscience : Which with his eye-sight save his taste a labour ; for hee knowes what experience can teach, but is not taught by experience. Hee is faithfully his owne friend : and accepts the frienship [lit.] of others for his owne sake ; but imparts his owne for others. When he loves, hee loves first : from hence hee chalenges a double honour : For Love and Priority is a two-folde merit. Hee lacks nothing to ingender happinesse ; for he can spare nothing that hee enjoyes : he enjoyes it so honestly and absolutely. And that hee hath already, serves to purchase new contentment. For as he lives, his capacity is enlarged, / p.138 / though before it were sufficient for his other faculties : they be most numerous when himselfe is nothing : for being dead, hee is thoght worthier then alive : then he departs to his advancement.
A good Husband
IS the second part of a good man : hee challenges no more nor lesse from Art or Nature, then doth become his faculty, and give comfort to his Wife ; so he doth not (by striving to please) seeme low minded ; nor by over-valuing his properties, prove a tyrant. His behaviour and discourse promise no more then hee meanes, and may very well justifie. Hee is not altogether to be chosen by the common weight or standard ; for his best partes are invisible. A good Wife shall know him quickly to bee worth her taking : for hee will first know her worthinesse. He is not therefore put to much trouble of being denied twise : for if hee thinkes he can prevaile amisse, prevaile too soone, or not prevaile, because hee is too good ; hee hath the modesty to refuse first : But otherwise, if opinion dares suspect, and so refuse him first, hee may account it happinesse, because hee was refused so soone : having (by that meanes) escaped one who could not discerne him. The honor of a good wife makes him no more / p.139 / unpractised in the patience of a bad, then if hee conversed with her : so his vertues be familiar, not enforced. The misery of a bad wife likewise hath no more enraged him to discredit all women, then the worthinesse of a good one hath moved him to bee an Idolator : So his blessing is, not to augment his curse, or curse his blessing. The highest end of his mariage premeditated, is to resolve how he may desire it without end. Hee feeles not the absence of youth by a decay in lust ; but measures the approach of a crooked body by his entyre and straight affection. Hee neither deceives himselfe with a foolish confidence, nor drawes a disadvantage to himselfe, by being distrustfull : For he may bee acquainted with those, to whome hee safely cannot commit his wealth, much lesse his wives honesty, but hee never suspects, before he be past suspition, and every thing be apparant. Hee hath (notwithstanding) no friend whom hee dares not make his deputy : But if he hath not knowledge enough, to chuse a friend that may be trusted ; hee hath no reason to trust a woman. Hee seekes rather to bee well known then commonly noted : for being known, hee cannot bee mistaken ; but othewise it is very doubtfull. A good Husband (like the pith which runns in the mid'st of a body) diffuces himselfe æqually to the circumference : imparting æquall care and love to wife and children : Love and providence be the two counterpanes of a good husband. He hates not her, but hers ; and that with a hope, to make her detest herselfe, not bee divorced from him : For he covets rather to be daily amending her, then make a new hazard, or want resolution. Hee may dislike there- / p.140 / fore his wives humour, and love her in the same quantity. Hee cannot bee chosen, because a better is absent, for you may find in himselfe the practitioner and pattern. Hee cannot therfore be refused, if he bee well known : For being good, hee proves the best, and being so, the best Husband.
A Contented Man
IS a faire building in the bottome of a Valley : You may discerne nothing about him, unlesse you approach neere, and nothing in him worth himselfe, unlesse you doe proceed. There is no land like unto his owne conscience : that makes him sowe and reape together : for actions bee (with him) no sooner thoughts, then they prove comforts, they be so full of Innocence. His life therfore is a continuall harvest : his countenance and conversation promise hope ; they both smile upon their object : Neither doth the end faile his purpose : for his expectation was indifferent and equall, according to the meanes. Events therefore cannot oppresse him ; for he propounded all, before he undertook some ; and sawe the extreamest point of danger, before hee did imbarque. He medles no further with uncertainties, then losse and lucre be alike in accident : For doubtfull thinges of moment, make men stagger, whilst hope and feare distracts them. If probable and lawfull meanes deceive him, they cannot trouble / p.141 / him : for he ascribes nothing to himselfe, that is above him. When Gods determinations doe therfore disappoint ; he neither marvailes, nor mis-interprets. Neglected fortunes, and things past, hee leaves behinde ; they cannot keep pace with him. The necessity of thinges absent, hee measures by his meanes : but as for things impossible, hee could never begin to affect them. And in the quest of future projects, hee never doth transgresse the present comfort. Hee can with as much selfe-credit be a Captive, as a promoted Courtier. Dignities may doe him honour, not entice him : Poverty may threaten, and be preremptory, but cannot overcome. Riches may make his honesty more eminent, not more exquisite : He cousens the world in his behaviour ; and when hee seemes disconsolate, he is best contented. He is so far from adding malice to any, that he can praise the merits of an enimy ; without grudging. Anger and Revenge be two turbulent passions : In him (therefore) the first shewes only that he can apprehend : the last, that he can justly prevent further mischefe. So hee neither doth insult through anger ; nor satisfie his bitternesse by revenge. Repentance, which with some proves melancholly, with him proves a delightfull assurance : for seldome doth hee lament thinges meerely vicious, so much as vertues imperfectly attempted. He undertakes every thing with more advantage, then any (but himselfe) can imitate : for being voyd of troublesome vexation, his willing minde makes the way lesse difficult. His policie and close dealing doe not disturbe his time of pleasure, or his quiet dreames : For he can awake with as much delight in day, and sleepe with as much solace in the / p.142 / darke, as either his intimate purpose can awake to every mans applause ; or be concealed to his owne safetie, and no mans detriment. Hee doth not readily incurre anothers rage ; nor doth he raile against himselfe ; for he cannot bee before hand with quarrelsome engagements : nor rashly run into a manyfest error. He doth not therefore (when all approve him) miscall himselfe, closely, damned Hypocrite, or lewd villaine. Hee feeles more felicitie in this, that he can forbeare to enjoy any thing, rather then let any thing enjoy him ; or rather then he will enjoy any thing indirectly. He is not so selfe subsisting that he scornes to borrow ; so shamelesse, that he borrowes all : nor so alone contented, that others doe not partake in his freedome : or so absolute in freedome, that he becomes not more absolute by the use of others. He resembles the parish bells ; which keepe the same tune at Mariages and Funeralls : So a contented man observes the same Musicke of content, either in occasion of joy or sadnes. He makes more ill meanings good by good construction, more haplesse events honest by a lawfull confidence, and more dangerous undertakings easie, by a calme proceeding, then the contrary. For (whilst he knowes Jealousie as a fearefull, eating, and distastfull vice) hee cannot suspect without the cautions of why, whom, how, where and when. Briefly, being contented, he is content to be happy ; and being so, hee thrives best when hee thinkes best : he does more then he undoes. He wins more often then he saves ; and, like the Caspian Sea, remaines the same unchangeable.
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A good Emperour
IS the second Saviour to Christianity, and a direct center of his peoples love : his greatnesse extends rather to posterity, then is confident of pedigree. He may be counselled or confirmed, but his election remaines peculiar. His object therefore (to discerne) may be infinite, or extravagant ; but paterns (to imitate) must be supernal ; for he acknowledges but one supremacy and in that remembers a succession : which makes him leave mans precepts unto frailty, view honor as a thing mediate, himselfe immediately next to his Creator, and doth onely know his high commission a determinable power, not know and murmure. He doth afflict (like lightning) never but when he is resisted. He lackes nothing of divinitie, but Time in his prerogative, the want of which takes away eternitie : so all the honour which relates to him for Gods sake, conveighes it selfe to God for his owne. His feare doth vanish into love or anger ; for he may embrace or conquer, but cannot submit. He preserves many whom he might destroy; but he destroyes none whom he should preserve : for (like a medicine) he doth not naturally draw blood. His royall bounty is as well prompt to take with honour, as to give with liberty. And as he can deserve nothing because on him depends every thing : so is he not by any man to be deserved, because unto him every man owes his whole / p.144 / inheritance. If therefore he doth forgive where subjects doe condemne : or chuse when multitudes abandon ; he doth but manifest his free desires, and shew affinity betwixt himselfe and holines, which rayses from the dunghill to the commanding fortune, and from the most obscure disdaine of vulgar thoughts unto the state of happinesse. Nay often-times this secret in publick offices proves true, That men without the ayd of birth, and glory of famous merit, lack only so good an entrance, but have commonly a better ending : or at least, strive more to attaine what others presume uppon. The event therefore makes his large prerogative true wisedome, which may be mis-interpreted weaknesse. The Lyon, a King of beasts, is recovered in sicknesse, by eating an Ape ; and a good King by devouring flatterers. He is the same briefly to his kingdome, that Marius was among the Tigurines : all perishes without him.
A worthy Poet
IS the purest essence of a worthy Man : He is confident of nature in nothing but the forme, and an ingenious fitnesse to conceive the matter. So he approves nature as the motive, not the foundation or structure of his worthinesse. His workes doe every way pronounce both nourishment, delight, and admiration to the readers soule : which makes / p.145 / him neither rough, effeminate, nor windy : for by a sweet contemperature of Tune and Ditty, hee entices others to goodnesse ; and shewes himselfe perfect in the lesson. Hee never writes upon a full stomacke, and an empty head ; or a full head, and an emptie stomacke. For he cannot make so Divine a receptacle, stoope to the sordid folly of gal or enuy, without strength : or strength of braine stoop, and debase it selfe with hunting out the bodies succour. He is not so impartiall as to condemne every new fashion, or taxe idle circumstance ; nor so easie as to allow vices, and account them generous humours. So he neither seekes to enlarge his credit of bitternesse, by a snarling severitie ; nor to augment his substance by insinuating courtship. He hath more debtors in knowledge among the present Writers, then Creditors among the ancient Poets. Hee is possessed with an innocent liberty, which excludes him from the slavish labour and meanes of setting a glosse upon fraile commodities. Whatsoever therfore proceeds from him, proceedes without a meaning to supply the worth, when the worke is ended ; by the addition of preparative verses at the beginning; or the dispersed hire of acquaintance to extoll things indifferent : Neither does he passionatly affect high patronage, or any, further then he may give freely ; and so receive backe honest thankes. The dangerous name and the contempt of Poets, sprung from their multitude of corruptions, proves no disadvantage or terrour to him : for such be his antidotes that hee can walke untouched, even through the worst infection. And indeed that mountebanks preparing oyle which kept his hands unscalded, was a toy of nothing to / p.146 / this Poets rarity of discretion, which so prepares his minde, that he can bathe it in the strains of burning lust, fury, malice, or despight, and yet be never scalded, or endangerd by them. He only among men is neerest infinite : For in the Scenicall composures, of a Tragedy or Comodie he shewes the best resemblance of his high Creator : turning his quicke passions, and witty humors to replenish and overcome, into matter and forme as infinite, as Gods pleasure to diversifie mankinde. He is no miserable selfe-lover, nor no unbounded prodigall : for he can communicate himselfe wisely to avoyd dull reservednesse, but not make every thought common, to maintaine his market. It must be imputed to his perfect eye-sight, that he can see error, and avoyde it without the hazard of a new one : As in Poems, so in projects, by an easie conjecture. Hee cannot flatter, nor be flattered : If hee gives Desert, he gives no more ; and leaves Hyperbole in such a mater of importance : As for himselfe, he is so well knowne unto himselfe, that neither publicke fame, nor yet his own conceite, can make him overvalued in himselfe. Hee is an enemy to Athiests ; for he is no Fatist nor Naturalist : hee therefore excludes Lucke and Rime, from the acceptance of his Poems ; scorning to acknowledge the one as an efficient, the other as an essence, of his Muses favour. Hee paies backe all his imitation with interest ; whilst his Authors (if revived) would confesse their chiefe credit was to be such a patterne : otherwise (for the most part) he proves himselfe the patterne, and the project in hand : Silver onely and sound mettall comprehends his nature : rubbing, motion, and customary usage, makes the brightnesse of both more / p.147 / eminent. No mervaile though he be Immortall, seeing he converts poyson into nourishment ; even the worst objects and societies to a worthy use. When he is lastly silent (for he cannot die) hee findes a Monument prepared at others cost and remembrance, whilst his former actions bee a living Epitaph.
An honest Lawyer
IS a precious Diamond set in pure gold, or one truly honest, and a compleate Lawyer : The one gives glory to the other ; and being divided, they be lesse valuable. Divinity, and corrected nature, make him habituall in the first ; but studious labor, and a discursive braine make him equall, if not absolute, in the last ; he knowes Law to be the Mris. of man, and yet he makes honesty the Mris. of the Law. The first therfore may exceed the last ; but the last never hath predominance in him, without the other. Hee is too divine to be tempted with feare, favor, Minerals, or possessions ; and too divine not to be tempted with perfect knowledge, and a pittifull complaint : he hath as much leasure to dispute with conscience, in the most busie Terme, as in the deadest Vacation : And he is alwaies more diligent to maintaine wronged poverty, then attentive to allow injurious Greatnesse : he can as freely refuse a prodigall, or enforced bounty, as hee can accept or demand / p.148 / due recompence : He resorts, to London with a more full braine, then empty bags, and (at his returne) he purses up more full comfort, then yellow coine. He cannot be so confident as to persist in error : nor so ignorant as to erre by weaknes : When therefore (through an aboundance) some knowledge is confounded, his errour onely proves a doubtful question ; and serves to reduce scattred remnants into method. The multitude of contentions make not him rejoyce in the number, but in the difficulty ; that truth may appeare manifest to our progeny. He railes not against the vices of his profession, but makes his profession commendable by his owne practise of vertue : his Clients disease of being suspended, touches him like his owne sicknes ; hee dares not give a dangerous purgation to dispatch him, nor by negligence and delay, let the evill grow inward and incorporate, to strengthen it selfe, or consume the patient. He is therefore exquisite in preservatives against the consumption ; though perhaps he may faile in restoratives to support weakenesse. He may wel bee a president to the best Physitians : for he undertakes no cure when he perceives it inclining to be desperate : Nay rather he is a true subject, that feares and scornes to meddle with counterfeit peeces, further then to resolve being askd (as Goldsmiths are) whether they will endure the Test. So hee makes the cause, and not his Client, the object of his labour. If he have favour enough to make truth be currant, he looks no further : which he needs not to patch businesse ; nor would he willingly persue it : if truth were not often discountenanced. He doth therfore at a Judges death lament the death of his learning not his owne / p.149 / private lucre : He can ride the circuit, and scorne to be circular. He hath no leasure to protract time or save his Clients opinion with jests premeditated, or windy inferences : His modesty was never below his courage in a good cause, nor his courage inclining to impudence, though he were still honored with a prosperous event. He owes so much worship to desert and innocence, that he can as faithfully applaud sufficient worth, as not insult over, or exclaime against dull ignorance. He is miraculously preserved against incantations : the strongest spell cannot charme him silent, nor the most tempting spirit provoke him to a vaine pleading. He dares know and professe in spight of potency ; hee dares be rich and honest in despight of custome : And if he doth not grow from a good man, to a reverend Title, hee scornes to bee a Traytor and blame tyranny which overslips deservings ; but he descends below his owne unworthinesse. Briefly, he is a precious vessell ; he indures the rest and the defiance of time : hee is a sound commodity which never failes the Customer : and doth hartily confesse that whosoever swarves from this patterne, swarves from honesty, though hee be deepely learned: Howsoever, he thinks a Lawyer deepely learned cannot chuse but bee honest ; except multitude of Clients oppresse him.
/ p.150 /
IS his owne private foe, and the worlds professed enemy : Hee is indeed an obstinate heretick, and if you will convert him, you must anew create him likewise : hee is of the Mahumetan sect which hath despised all religious Arts and Sciences, except the confusion of all : so he approves continually the worst thinges among many good, and condemnes that which is judiciously commended : To read therfore and refuse, makes up the best part of his judgement. He hath an impediment in his language proceeding from his heart (Ignorance, Spight, Disdaine, Envy) ; which makes him that he cannot speak well of any man. His five sences have a mortall combat with all objects, that afford sence, or any thing upon which they fasten : his eye could never yet behold a woman fair enough, or honest enough, on whom he might bestow the sincere part of his affection : but he marries one to beget an equall society of froward children : His eare was never well contented with a delicious tune, for the left is onely open, and that onely apt to conceive discords, through a customary habit ; which hath rejected all, and therefore will : For that he once hath, and is againe minded to discredit worthinesse, gives him both reason and encouragement to continue spightfull : But (to our comfort be it spoken) his envy ends commonly with himselfe, or at most, indeavors not otherwise then a nasty / p.151 / passenger, to rub against, and defile faire outsides, because himselfe is loathsome : hee stopps his nose if a perfume approach, but can well indure a stinking draft, or kennell, and embrace the savour : His palate hath no relish except hee may discommend his dyet, and yet hee consumes all to the very fragments : hee touches or takes up nothing which is not blasted by him with a naturall dislike ; or at least hee will utter the manifest forme of discontent. You must beleeve him sick or cloy'd with sweet meats : for his judgement being out of tast, he cannot relish. His tongue, the Herald of his imagination, is a busie Officer, and will (without question) challenge the same reward of him, that it doth of women, for it dispatcheth the same service, and deserves therfore (proportionably alike) to be called the maine property of each : hee is not inferiour also, to a woman in malice ; for she is that way limited to some persons, though undeterminable in spight : but hee transcends ; accounting it his pompe to bee infinitely licentious towards all. Hee railes against the State, and speakes treasons confidently to himselfe alone, expecting an event of his desires : Nay, sometimes hee is taken (through the licence of his tongue, and a little sufferance of the company) in peremptory speeches that bring to his answere : Neither will he hearken to reformation, till hee lackes his eares : Hee is not (if a Church-man) ashamed to quarrell, first with his Patron, and openly disclaim against the poor value of his Benefice : If, a common humorist, hee will diminish the worth likewise of a guift, before the givers face ; and lookes to the disconveniences, not the commodity, hee getts by / p.152 / possession : If he commends any man (which is a great wonder) hee presently after will recite the speciall favour and bounties he hath received by him. A slight Arithmetician may cast up the totall summe of his Character : and by substraction (being the body of his soule) may finde him under the value of an honest man, above halfe in halfe : For hee lackes Charity, and so comes short of a good Christian : And therefore is an egregious coward because he scornes to justifie, except hee railes against the dead ; thither he hastens being unworthy to live longer : And as Dyogenes hath long since resolved, hee is the worst among wilde beastes, none excepted.
IS the scorne of Understanding, the traytor to Reason, or the vanity of a better man : Bloud-letting, a good whip, honest company, or reasonable instructions might (at the first) recover him. But if hee continues among laughing spirits one quarter, the disease will growe inward, and then the cure growes desperate. If his humour be hereditary, hee is more familiar with it, and makes it the principall vertue of his family : If imitation breeds a habite, he makes it the pledge of sworne brother-hood, or at least the favour of new acquaintance ; hee never is infected single, or with one humour onely : for either he is now admitted to the severall / p.153 / orders ; or hee is prompt enough to subscribe generally when occasion peeps. You must not dare to discommend, or call in question, his behaviour seriously with his companions ; for though you cannot call the humor lawfull, it is sufficient if you can call it his humour. You may justly forbeare to Restraine him ; for if hee be truely adopted, he thinkes it an especiall part to be respectlesse. Tobacco is a good whetstone for his property ; hee doth seldome therefore forget to provoke his constitution this way : and (by being insatiate) he knowes well his humour may escape the search of reason, by vertue of the mist. He hath from his cradle bin swadled up, with much obstinate and peremptory affectation : It being indeed commonly the character of his ripest age, to support that freely in his man-hood, which was forbidden in the spark of his minority : hee never slips oportunity with deliberation : hee is therefore prompt enough to begin, and the reason of his act is enough, though onely that hee hath begun ; because humour is the motive. There is nothing within the compasse of thought so triviall, so absurd, and monstrous, which his vanity will not averre to be ponderous, decent, and naturall. Neither will hee abhor to justifie them by his owne practise, against all opposers. He travailes up and downe like Tom of Bedlam, under the title of mad Rascall, Witty Rogue, or Notable mad slave : and these attributes bee a more effectuall oratory to applaud his humour, then a direct commendation. He will not sometimes (upon small discontinuance) vouchsafe to acknowledge, or (at least) know, his familiar friendes, without much impertinence and Interrogatories of their name, or / p.154 / habitation : whilst another time, hee dares adventure his knowledge, and salutations upon meer aliens. Hee is very much distracted, and yet I wonder how the frenzy should bee dangerous ; for hee never breakes his braine about the study of reason or invention : seeing his humor is the priviledge of both : It is therfore sufficient for him to bee extreame melancholly, and most ignorant of the cause or object : and suddenly to bee unmeasurably frollick without provocation : whilst he is onely beholding to a brainlesse temperature in discharge of his credit. He will converse freely with Serving-men and Souldiers within 12. houres ; and presently when the ague hath once seized him, hee proves tyrannicall and insolent towards the silly vermin. He never brake a vow in his whole life, or brake vowes continually : for eyther they have not suited with his varietie, to bee intended, or hee hath intended to keepe them no longer then might agree with his body, which ebbes and flowes. When hee growes old, and past voyce, hee learnes forraigne languages ; as if when he had dined, he would devoure the dishes. In a word, hee is a chiefe commander of new actions, but no commander of himselfe ; being in his best braverie but a Turkish slave, ever subject to desire and appetite : according to their paterne, he is himselfe to himselfe praise-worthy, or elegant ; but to worthinesse it selfe, odious.
/ p.155 /
A weake-brain'd Gull
IS a needelesse ornament : And yet an ornament to make wiser men more accounted. Some call him a petulant neat youth : I rather thinke him a glasse bottle in a gilded case : that is, a fayre outside with a braine easily broken. Hee takes the upper hand of a foole, nay of a wise man also ; and in opinion is as good as a Courtier. According to Platoes definition hee is no man, Plato defined a man to be a two-legd creature, having broade talents without feathers ; but this above named gull weares feather enough to hide a Helmet. His education hath bin (from a child) tenderly fearefull ; and the mother remaines still afraide of his fortunes, least his politick wisedome should hazard them too arre [? farre] : whilst his fortunes hazard his wisedom. He hath beene alwayes a yong Master, and yoked his eares first to insinuation, under some oylie tong'd servant, or flattering Tutor. Hee continues love no longer then hee finds a fellow consenting to his vaine-glory : the dislike of which sooner then any thing makes him to be cholericke, to resolve and fight perhaps : but otherwise To know hee hath rich kindred, and to derive a pedegree ; satisfie his Valor, Learning, proficience in Estate or credit with meere contemplation. So much indeede doth hee hang uppon the pillars of his gentrie, as it shall therefore be the first preparative of his acquaintance to salute, / p.156 / and aske What countrey-man your Father is, of what house : or hee will enquire his demesnes onely (of some neighbour :) and if your body be hansome, your cloathes proportionable, your parents wealthy ; he hath purchased an everlasting friend in the beginning. A round oath is valour enough, a foolish Dittie Art enough, and good fellowshippe honesty enough. He should be bought up in Italy (among the butchers) for an English Calfe : because hee carries his whole prise and value about him. The truth is, hee scornes to bee a searcher, and thinkes it enough for his Taylor to meddle with linings. But in the circumstance of making your cloathes, the price of your Beaver and silke stockins, your purpose to travaile, or of your long absence ; The Spanish Inquisition cannot be so unmercifull. Hee is contented richly, nay absolutely, to be taken onely for a harmlesse man. Suppose he hath now left the universitie, and bringes a little dreame of Logicke from the Colledge ; being arived at London, hee stickes a feather in his Hat ; and it is all one as if he had fastened it in his head : for his braine, from that day foreward becomes broken. The generositie and noble carriage of his discourse, is to run desperatly into the name of some couragious gallant Knight, or some Baron in favour : if their alliance to his family can be detected, he gives way with an apparent relish. The wisest action that ever he atempted, was to spare much folly in discourse by fingering his beard or bandstrings : and if he bestowes much on Tobacco he cannot be blamed much : for it hath many times freed him from the discredit of a Non plus. He is very well fitted for all societies, if his outside be / p.157 / sutable ; further then which he never conversed with himselfe effectually. Nor can I wonder, though hee payes deerely and preserves cloaths delitiously ; seeing those alone are maintenance of his whole worth ; and therefore you shal perceive him more furiously engaged about the rending of his doublet, or a little lace, then a magnanimous box, or a bastinado : And he will enter into a Taverne at the foreside, though hee might goe a meerer way, onely to discover his gold lace and scarlet. If his bands and cuffs be sun-burnt they wil not much mis-become him : for hee thinkes himselfe an unlucky Asse, if a painted beauty doth not shine upon him. He is ambitiously given to bee promoted, either by some embassage to divulge his pedigree, and learne fashions, or by entertainment of some chiefe Noble-men to discover his bounty : But his worst ambition is to salute the next Coach or Foot-cloth : and hee thinkes verily that the prize of a florishing salutation winns more credit then his Beaver. He will hang out at the Taverne window as commonly as the signe ; that hee may see naked brests and velvet linings passe along ; and wrap their graces in his fancy till the next Sunns-rising. Hee shifts his Familiars by the survey of prospect, and externals ; but his directions proceed from the Proverbe of like to like, rather then Physiognomy. Hee is credulous and confident : the lesse certainty he hath of a report, the more publicke hee is, and peremptory. Hee commits the best part of his understanding to a talkative Barber : with whome he is the more frequent, because he thinks to have a curle-pate, is to have a visible wit. He studies a new fashion by the six months together : and reades Albertus Magnus, or / p.158 / Aristotles Problemes in English, with admiration. Hee would bee Phisicall, and justly ; for not to preserve his folly in health, were to deceive the world of his pattern : but being merry for disgestion, his laughter is exorbitant causelesse, endlesse, and like himselfe : But fooles of his owne fashion praise him, for a witty Gentleman, or a gentlemanly Fellow. His safest course will be to marry : nothing makes him so sencible as a Wife, good or bad ; till then, the further hee flies from his Caracter, hee becomes it the more naturally.
A Ranke Observer
IS his owne Comœdy, and his own Audience : For whatsoever he frames by experience, hee applaudes by custome : But being out of his element, he is an Eele in a sand bag ; for hee, wanting the humor of his wrested observance, falles away into ignorant silence. Hee is arrogant in his knowledge so far, as hee (thinks) to study men, will excuse him from the labour of reading, and yet furnish him with absolute rarities, fit for all fashions, all discourses. Hee is a very promiscuous fellow ; and from thence proceeds the vice which makes him without difference, comprehend ponderous and triviall passages under the same degree of value or estimation. For whatsoever becomes his politicke vent, becomes his understanding. When hee doth therefore fill up the vessell of his conceits, he hath regard to such things as may bee / p.159 / uttered with most advantage, either of money among the Players, or reputation among the general Gallants of our Cittie. He takes account of all humours, and through the practise of a contempt to all, he partakes in al : for he uses what he derides under the priviledge of scorne, and so makes it familiar. So the largest benefite which others reape, by contemning the vice in himselfe, arises beyond his purpose or intention : for he extends to others no further then agrees with his owne greedy constitution ; meaning to credit or enrich himselfe, not amend others : by which meanes all his goodnesse is accidentall. He doth (notwithstanding) in some poynts resemble vertue ; but in the worst manner. For being impartiall, he playes the tyrant ; and sels the vices of his dearest friends to discovery, by playes or pamphlets, but is content that they should still reserve them to their future infamy : So he becomes sooner excluded oftentimes from society, then his flattering shifts can readily repaire. Flattery and insinuation be indeed the number of his thriving moral vertues, through which (under a pretence of faire meaning) he takes occasion to betray the marrow of mans variety : and this affoords fuell for his bitter derision. His Table-bookes be a chiefe adjunct, and the most significant Embleme of his owne quallity, that man may beare about him : for the wiping out of olde notes give way to new : and he likewise, to try a new disposition, will finally forsake an ancient friends love : because hee consists of new enterprises. He makes the best he can of witty turnings ; and therfore hee spares conceits worth naming in company, to make a further benifit. If you desire to know a man of this profession ; you must a while / p.160 / observe him, and he will presently shew himselfe after two meetings : for he will then talke (as it were) by a catechisme of discourse : keeping a certain forme of language as if hee durst not go beyond the circle. His capacity is apprehensive in a strange measure : if hee were lesse capable, he might be more commended. For hee incroches often upon admittance (where thinges be well delivered) to multiply his observation and he will verifie things, through a scandalous supposall, as if they were now committed. If hee converts to a deserving quality, hee will propound the credit of a good meaning no stipend for his vain discoveries. Till then, he must indure to be suspected, or odious, whilst hee whispers closely among free companions : Neither must he hope to amend this Age or himselfe ; because hee never intended the first, and the last he forgets (though he intended it) through vain-glory as beeing transported with this pride onely, that he hath observed, and can observe againe. Briefly hee resembles a foolish patient, who takes a costive pill to loosen his body : for whilst he meanes to purge himself by observing other humors, he practises them by a shadow of mockage, and so becomes a more fast corruption : if he doth not therfore feele the disease, hee dies Hide bound.
/ p.161 /
A simple polititian
IS a purblind Fox, that pretends machiavell should be his sire : but he proves a mungrell : he was taken from Schoole before he had learned true Latine ; and therefore in triviall things only, he partakes with craftinesse ; because hee lacks true breeding, and true bringing up. Hee labours commonly for opinion where hee is so well known that opinion woulde persecute him, without labour : hee thinkes religion deceives most unsuspected and therefore hee first seemes to bee a zealous Christian. The Church is a principall parte of his devotion ; and to be a frequent Auditor, or outwardly attentive is a sure defence (hee thinkes) against Capitall errour. Hee is openly kinde-hearted ; cries God forbid. Amen, Christ be his comfort. But rather then he will seeme a Puritane, with indifferent companions, hee can breake an obscene Jest, be wanton, sociable or any thing till hee converse with a Presitian by whome hee hopes to save : then his eyes roule upward, his hands are elevated, commiserating tearmes be multiplid, with sighes innumerable : then hee rayles against the wicked, whome a little before hee heartily saluted. And after some paraphrase uppon the verse of such an Evangelist, Apostle, or Prophet, hee dismisses the Puritan, that he may laugh heartily. He is therefore much like a bookesellers shoppe on Bartholomew day at London ; the stall of which are so adornd with bibles and prayer-bookes, / p.162 / that almost nothing is left within, but heathen knowledge. His minde and memorie put on the same vizard of greatnesse, which makes him so much incline to the posture of weighty labors, that he gives no attention to things openly recited, though they actually possesse him. To bee imployed therefore for a Noble-man, is (to him) an infinite trouble, and begets imployment with all acquaintance to discover it : so the bare meanes to make men think hee is much entertained, costs a time equall to his occurrents. Being to bee visited (though by sure Clients) he hath the roome of attendance, the Art of delay, and a visage that seems pittifully interrupted. If he rides to dispatch, the horses be early sadled and brought into the foreside, that neighbours may observe, when after five or six houres expectation, hee comes like one that was detained by urgent importunacies. If the company be pleased to laugh at his inhærent folly, he doth by and by assure you ; give mee a sudden jest or nothing ; some use your printed jest, I cannot endure it. His best materials to worke upon, bee Time, and Place ; which if they affoord circumstance to let you understand his new purchase, his new buildings, the great marriage of his Children, or entertainment of high personages, or bountie towards an Hospitall, it comes freely and fitly, if openly. When occasions trouble him a little, he loves to trouble himselfe extreamly ; and thinkes it a poynt of reaching pollicie, to reprove or amend that formally, which hath beene allowed by singular good judgments. If hee dares (with priviledge of the hearers ignorance) disparage worth in any, hee takes leave of the occasion, and his own policie. This / p.163 / he takes in honour of his courtship to shew hee can be ambitious ; and build on others ruines : But this proclaymes him a starved Canniball ; who, through the famin of desert, supplies worthinesse with his owne excrement of detraction. His desire and audacitie are at open strife ; when hee would but dares not commend himselfe, by correcting anothers facultie : then with a strained laughter, and a willing palsie in his head, hee seemes to discover somwhat is unsetled ; or he makes his elbow signifie that somthing wants his finger. His complements are at libertie, his friendship lies locked up in prison ; the key whereof he hath lost willingly. For if you call him friend before he hath wrested the advantage of an enemy, hee leaves you destitute, but more happy then you beleeve. If hee can seeme to forget your countenance, hee intends that you must thinke him devoted to thinges above you, or that his braine labours ; and uppon this ground he walkes when hee neglects your salutations, or takes no notice of your person. Briefly, he is a man of this daies profit : he respects nothing without double interest, and that by compulsion. Hee is a weake foe, a weaker friend, or the generall shadow of a wiser man.
/ p.164 /
IS a man ever needy, never satisfied, but ready to borrow more then hee may be trusted with : The question of him will bee, whether his learning (if he hath any) doth out ballance his braine, and so becomes a burthen ; or whether both be crept into his outward sences : Certainely his Intellectuals of wit, and wisdome, may bee manifest, but are (like the seaven Starrs) seldome seen together ; they mutually succeed as having vow'd to governe by course : Whilst wit raignes, excesse, and ryot hath the upper hand : But when hee recollects himselfe, he is wholly metamorphosed ; wit gives place, and his extreme of wisedom, disclaimes the smile of a merry countenance. His only joy is to domineere, bee often saluted, and have many Creditors : his Lordships lye among the Drawers, Tobacco-men, Brokers, and Panders : But adversity makes him leave company, and fall to house-keeping, and then his servants be vanished into Sergeants. I dare protest Doctor Anthony will not make Aurum potabile like a Spend-thrift : The truth is, a spend-thrift can dissolve a monarchy of gold if hee had it. His onely flatterers bee Conceite and Fancy, which charge Memory the Steward, to bring no Accompts in till they be casheerd ; which cannot bee whilst Imitation is his Captaine, or Credite his Corporall. Hee wooes creditors, as Gentlemen a faire Sempstress : hee will promise much and meane nothing : for his distributes his / p.165 / words as commonly do Printers. Hee dreams of being Lord chiefe Justice, or at least being eminent, though hee lives dissolutely ; and hath no Saint but Fortune. Hee is, and ever will bee a quarter behind with frugality ; in which volume hee cannot bee perfect, because the book is imperfect : for hee still rendes out the beginning of his lesson ; being not able to begin a thrifty course. His Heaven upon Earth is a faire Mistresse ; and though his meanes bee large, yet his principall sorrow is the lacke of maintenance. Hee is scarce any part of a Christian till hee goes to Prison, and then perhaps hee enters into Religion : If he doth not, I am sure hee is dead in law and turnes Cloister-man. The misery of his sence is an old man, and his fathers life troubles him not a little : Almanackes therefore which foretell the death of Age, bee very acceptable. The hurly burly of his braine is infinite, and he scarcely knowes what hee may freely make an election of. Hee is most truly like a broken lace, or seame-rent cloake ; ready to bee taken hold of, as hee walkes along, by every crooked naile and tenter-hook. His worst bawd is too good a nature, which makes him incident to false applauses, and carve his soule out among his familiars : hee hath multitudes of deere acquaintance, but his deerest friends are ready to stabbe him : For either those whom hee accompts so, bee men of fashion ; or those who bee indeed so, desire his death, because they see no amendment. Hee is in great request, and much enquired ; being like a dangerous booke still about to bee called in : For hee is no sooner out of one prison but he is called into another. Hee scornes to acknowledge his debts, but as / p.166 / things of duty, with which mechanickes are (as he thinkes) bound to uphold high birth and Gentry : but the end proves otherwise. His downefall therfore is not admired, because hee was ever falling ; and his bare excuse, makes experience the shadowe. Briefly, hee may seem a treacherous friend ; for hee deales dishonestly with all that challenge intrest in him ; they bee his Creditors : And yet hee deales more lovingly with them, then with himselfe : for when he paies them, he punisheth himselfe ; If he cannot pay, hee is punished more then they ; and punished enough, because hee cannot pay : For then hee consumes.
IS a Journey-man of all Trades, but no saver because no setter up : Hee would be an Epitome of Arts, and all things, but is indeed nothing lesse then himselfe : If an itchy Taylor gave him not his making, hee had (I thinke) perpetually been unmade : For if hee scratch his head, the body cals him ; if the body, then his elbow ; if his elbow, then again the body ; if the body, then the head itches : So never quiet, never constant, still doing, still about to doe the same, remaines my dooer doing nothing. The worst of Dog-dayes was his birth-day when fleas abounded, which (from his cradle) have so bitten him, as till his death he must be / p.167 / tickled. The worme of giddinesse hath crept into his private purposes : every houre, almost, gives him a new Being, or, at least, the purpose to bee an other thing then hee is. So that I might almost say of him as Scaliger saith of Locus ; that he is Quodammodo ens, quodammodo non ens. If a Country life invites him hee yeelds : the Court requests him, he yeelds likewise : But then disgrace averts him to his study ; a Library is gotten : by this time love hath struck him, and he adores the Saint : But then some play declames against this love : hee quickly is perswaded, and followes Poetry. Thus my vagabond of vanity is from post to pillar transported, because hee travels without a perfect licence. You shall soone discern him by his arguments and reasons ; They (for the principalls) flow from one fountaine of ignorance : for all his proofe depends upon I thinke so, Every man saith so, All dislike it : His very conversation is infectious, but never frustrate : for eyther you must follow him, and that way you must looke to be a looser : or he will follow you, and then resolve that your intention thrives but badly. No object, no societie, season, thought, or language, comes amisse, or unexpected : his pollicie therefore seekes to be rather frequent then effectuall ; to run about the world daily, then travell seriously ; to see a multitude, before societie ; and gesse at much, rather then know a little. In his discourse he daunces All Trades, and flies from field to thicket, as being hunted by an Ignis fatuus. Talke of Academies and hee tels you Court-newes : search into the estate of a question, and he tels you what new booke is extant. If you discourse he still desires the conclusion ; / p.168 / and is attentive rather to the sequell, then careful to understand the premisses. In his behaviour he would seeme French, Italian, Spanish, or any thing, so he may seeme un-vulgar ; accounting it barbarous not to contemne his owne nation, or the common good, because hee loves to bee more valued by seeming singularly pretious : His diverse habit onelye discovers him to be true English : and to bee weary of the place, colours his employment : To live (with him) is all vanitie : and that life alone his deerest happinesse : his death therefore may bee some-what doubtfull, because with it hee hath no Beeing.
IS Fortunes Vassaile, temptations Anvile, or an outlandish text, which may be soone translated into cheaters English : He affects gaming from a schoole-boy : and superstitiously fore-thinks how his minde gives him. The elements of fire, earth, and aire, be with him alike predominant : he is inflamed with rage, melancholy with thoughts, joviall with fortune : but hee never weeps in sorrow or repentance : When hee looses little, you must know he looses much, for hee loves that any man should conjecture he is able : But though his lucke be infinite to win aboundance, yet can he seldome have the lucke to purchase. If he quarrels / p.169 / you may protest hee looses, and he must scramble or be beaten ere hee can bee quiet : if he make peace you must meet him in the winning way ; and then you might more safely swagger with him : he loves his owne advantage well enough to be a Lawyer, but would make a most preposterous Judge. The seaven deadly sinnes sleep in his pocket ; and hee never drawes money but the noise awakes them. Pride, Lechery, Sloth, and Gluttony, be his Sabboth sinnes, which (out of gettings) he employes on Festivals, and Sundayes. Blaspemy and murther play the Drawers with him, and bring the fearefull reckoning of his losses ; and in steed of Usury, Theft plaies the Scrivener to furnish him with money : He can both fast, and watch, and yet is farre enough from being a true penitent : for curses following, doe discover why the rest was intended. Let him be sunne-burnt and ill-favourd, yet he hath this priviledge, that if he scornes quarrelling and false Dice, he shall be thought a faire gamester. Fortune makes him her most silly States-man : shee holds him by the chinne a while, but ere he can recover what he onely wishes, he sinkes incontinent, and worthily, for losse and gaine alike encourage him, but never satisfie. Neither cares he to be thought an insatiable fellow : for when he hath in any mans opinion, fild his belly, his bones, are most busie. If he plaies upon Ticket, he knowes you are but a simple fellow not able to exact, though hee resolves to pay nothing ; so he did never purchase, if not this way, except he borrowes ; and that extends farre enough to make him thy debtor at his own pleasure. If he be perished, his restauration is too feminine, though not degenerate ; / p.170 / for seeing he was ruind under the Goddesse Fortune, he may well claime the portion of a rich widdow. If neither shee, nor any shee-creature else be gratious, let him unpittied prove a Cheater, for he thrust himselfe to exile, and went to willing bondage.
IS one still ready to aske the way, yet farre from finding it, though you doe direct him : He is indeed a simple thing of one and twenty, that dares safely be a pupill to any Tutor. Or take him naturally for a familiar kinde of Spaniell, that may be readily taken up, and stolne away from himselfe, or his best resolutions. He is ever haunted with a blushing weakenesse, and is as willing to embrace any, as not to bee distastfull unto any : he trusts any mans opinion before his owne, and will commit his life to him that can insinuate : you get acquaintance with him by a bare salutation ; drinke to him with a new complement, and you have purchased his entire love, till hee bee cheated. The name of Country-man, or civill carriage, unlockes his Cabinet of intentions, till you extract the very quintessence. Good Fortunes tickle him without measure ; and he findes no reason to moderate his joy, till he shewes the way for others to disapoint him ; and being disapointed he is quiet. He cannot chuse but be exceeding credulous, for he confutes nothing further then his / p.171 / eye-sight, or common sense extends. Draw him to the paradise of taking all in good part ; or teach him to apprehend the worst things well, by screwing in a meere conceit of your generosity, and he will thrust the ward-shippe of his credit, Lands, or Body, to your patronage ; So you may take reliefe, and tender Marriage though his father held not in Knights service. If you misdoubt he should perceive you, or if you thinke it difficult to deceive him ; compare his Title with his Index, or both together with his stuffe contained, and you may soone discerne him : For eyther unexpectedly he doth betray himself, or false fire will discharge him : with much a doe, desiring to get a Mistrisse, hee proves some whores Idolater ; and he feeles naturally for the harvest of his chin before seede time. Being a little boulstred up with sweete heresies of subtill language, and Musicall Tavernes, he suddenly beginnes (except some charitable hand reclaimes him) to mistake Tobacco for a precious hearbe : and often-times I thinke it cures his raw humour, by operation of the price, without the Physicke. You may easilie also drive him to mistake brown paper for Littletons Tenures ; canvas, and Red Herrings, for his Fathers hopp-bagges and Lent provision. I need not say hee will be valorous ; for Parasites and Cony-catchers know, he oftentimes can see he hath been cheated, and yet his modesty will not suffer him to inforce satisfaction. He is the common stocke of Roaring-boyes and Sharkes, to remedy their wants : A bigg protestation makes him yeeld to any man of outside that will borrow, as soon as ten theives with swords and pistols : So that hee is good for nothing but to blunten a Cheaters pollicy ; because he is / p.172 / catcht with so little paines taking. A Spiders thred will catch him : an easie charme will strip him naked. Hee will much wonder at a triviall event, and thinkes it Witch-craft to foresee disadvantage. As for the world, Religion, or naturall causes, he can enquire of them, but difficultly beleive reason : In the shutting up therefore of his folly hee doth confesse the Character, and leaves it to succession.
IS the picture of Some-body, or a man of two sences : the Eye and the Palate : for his smelling property is stuffed with the vapours of a full stomacke ; his hands are the instruments of his mouth, no sences ; and the belly hath no eares, but a trusse to support it : He is his owne Taylor, and thinks directly that more expences belong to the linings, then to the outside. Hee will grow friends with any man, that serves his stomacke : If he reads the fable in Æsop how the members conspir'd against the belly ; he growes empty with conceite of it ; and in revenge (I thinke) makes the belly conspire against the members. He cannot stirre in businesse without a Coach, or a Litter ; and then hee is suddenly interrupted, if the clocke strikes Eleven. Hee is (whatsoever some thinke) a good Physition for his owne body : for hee still riseth from the Table with an appetite ; and is soone ready for another meale of dainties. If hee bee a Lawyer, the best meates will / p.173 / soonest corrupt his carkasse, and his conscience : for he feeds immoderately, and will doe much for a brace of Pheasants. If hee bee a Divine, he preaches all Charity, and discommends Gentlemen extreamely, because they leave House-keeping. He thinks his bed the best study, and therfore speakes well in the praise of stretching meditations. He accounts Cookery a delicate science, and preferres the knowledge of confectionary receipts ; to which purpose nothing passes through the throat, till he takes particular notice of the ingredients. He is troubled much to thinke, how hee may most readily shorten his life, and not perceive the reason : Therefore hee revolves continually, what may bee most convenient for the taste, and hurtfull for the stomacke. He invites himselfe to much provender by accident of visitation ; though hee comes with a resolved policy : But hee scornes blushing, like a common smell-feast : and upon true reason : For modest bloud (being clarified and pure) cannot finde way, through inch-deepe fatt, when it is call'd to answere. Hee provokes many solemne meetings, under the title of Hospitality, when hee makes himselfe (by these meanes) fitter for an Hospitall. Hee is contented to bestow broken meate among poore folkes, but no money : for he loves not to depart with that, in which himselfe hath been no taster. He is the noted foe of famine, and yet hee is daily imployed about the procreation of a dearth : for the value of nothing is beyond his ability, if hee hath present money, though no more then enough to discharge the present commodity ; or credite to make men trust upon executors. Hee hath heightned the price of out-Landish-fruits, and hath purchased / p.174 / the generall name to our Countrey of Sweet-mouth'd English-men. Marrow-pyes, Potato-rootes, Eringoes, and a cup of Sacke bee his chiefest Restoratives, and comfortable Phisicke : Hee makes no dinner without a second course. He is over-ruled more by his teeth, then his appetite : For when they growe weary, he leaves feeding, and falls to drinking : which argues (unlesse I mistake) a larger capacity of Stomacke then Understanding. But hee doth or should tremble, to see meate stuft with Parsely ; because it represents a Coarse laid out for buriall. He keeps a high point of statelinesse in carriage ; for hee delights rather in a subtill flatterer, or secretary, that gives good elbowe attendance, then to heare himselfe discourse, or any who neglects to feed his humour ; either with commendations, or vailing reverence to his high fortunes, or with licentious fables, and derisions of his opposites. If dinner bee ended, and you desire to converse with him, you must tarry till he be awake : for his vast chaire, a downy couch, and chiefly a fine capable seat in the Church, that may confront the Preacher, are three easie and common receptacles for his full stomack. None resembles death in sleepe so fitly, yet none makes lesse morall. For indeede his sleeps are full of stinke and rottennes ; and so secure, that they rather prove death it selfe, then a remembrance. It is reported how Cambletes the gluttonous King of Lydia devoured in a dreame his wife while she lay sleeping together in the same bed ; and finding her hand betweene his teeth when he awaked, he slew himselfe fearing dishonour : which story is intended (I thinke) an epicures morall : for in his idle dreaming life, he / p.175 / will devour a wives portion, and when he hath consumed all to fragments he wakens : and (fearing discredit) dyes unto the world by living obscurely or pines away in sorrow. Briefly, being true English, hee will abhorre thirst, and hunger, because he scornes a Spaniard, and his properties.
IS the superfluity of solemne behaviour : And was intended for an allay to fifty light Joviall constitutions ; but Nature being then otherwise employed, hee was (against her will) made a monstrous lump of Humanity ; through the negligence of her hand-maids : good nutriment, and education : or the malice of her enemies, Sorrowes and affrightment. Hee is the unsociable sonne of Saturne, that lookes strangely at the face of man, as if he were another thing then himselfe. Hee thinkes, to be familiar is to betray himselfe ; and that the world might plentifully be inhabited, by him onely, and a couple of drudges. If you be civill, he saith you are phantasticke ; and friendly language he termes flattery. His learning and advise be a company of miserable proverbs much of this making ; a foole and his money is soone parted : Wise enough to keepe his owne : store is no sore : light gaines make a heavy purse : bring not a noble to ninepence : He speakes of sparing as if he fitted himselfe to / p.176 / beg in a grate and pray passengers to spare their charitable almes : And hee doth readily consent to the prisoners when they beg in that language. You may offend your selfe and him, lesse, if you kill him right out, then if you discourse with him halfe an houre. No estate, no advancement, can remove his humour : for he doth not live (whilst he lives not discontented) but sleeps, or counterfeits. He thinkes salutations were ordained to beguile, or betray ; hee loves not therefore to salute, or be saluted. He will refuse gifts, that come from reconciled foes, and thinkes an injurie can never be forgotten. On equall termes likewise, he is hartily unwilling to receive, except (in glory) he can over-value his deserts, by thinking he hath deserved tenne times more. A selfe-respect, and a disdaine of others, be his nourishing vices : So he chuses rather to loose a bargaine, then to become a debtor ; for he holds it more honour and pollicy to steale, then to be beholding. If you enquire his health, or the times newes, hee dares protest you are an impertinent, or a shallow companion. He may be called Barbarous by the same reason that Barbary was called Barbarie : for hee doth alwaies murmur. Other mens triumph is his sorrow, other mens sorrow his triumph : for in his conscience he hath rejoyced never, if not in the mis-fortunes of some, or all. The least adversity makes him thinke upon a halter : and if you perswade him to patience, by remembring others crosses, or the necessity of trouble in this life, he will be worse madded with your councell then with his affliction. His councells and instructions, makes him shew, most like a Chimney set on fire ; consisting of ranke sootie choler : which doth / p.177 / enflame and harden whomsoever he deales with ; not warme nor molifie with comforts and perswasions : It is better to perish, then to crave his helpe : for he limits himselfe only to negatives. His entertainments be, a fierce dogge to bid you welcome, a currish voice to confirme it, and the way is open for a fare-well. The first two be apparant, the latter he intends : So doth he embrace acquaintance or neighbours ; but impotent people he threatens in another kinde, with Whippe, stocks, and Beadle, they onely be his familiars and defenders. His Dog, and hee, are the onely good fellowes, and his dogge proves the better man, by being more tractable. He will prevent you in a commodity, and give more ; as also hee dares discredit any thing, or any, not with a meaning to commend his own, but to endammage others. Hee will bee shaven all waies to the best helpe of a deformity : And though his actions will soone verifie the character, yet he will more mis-shape nature by ill-favoured Linnen, a greasie Felt, and garments made for the purpose ; as if hee meant to discover himselfe by the fore-head, least hee should not bee knowne quickly. Hee is unsatisfied upon the smallest wrong, and will rather take the lawes assignement, though a trifle, then be content with large composition : yet none doth more grumble against the Law-professors. Hee listens to the death of great Personages, as a Butchers dogge to the Oxes slaughter ; rejoycing to be glutted with his entrailes, or vices, seeing hee is not bettred by his body of worth, the best food. It fattens him to heare a prodigalls consumption, though hee partakes nothing in the Bootie. If you fasten a guift upon him, his thankes bee liberall (though he doth not requite) if / p.178 / hee doth not brand you with an insinuating Title : Yet in extremity of his humour hee is so farre (as he thinkes) from being uncharitable, as hee makes the charity of Counsell, Purse, or Assistance, things that would give little thanke for his labour : and so he practises them under the ranke of such things as doe not concern him : He saith therefore, Meddle with me, when I meddle with you. So that if shame provokes his wealth to invite strangers, hee hath no bountiful meaning, but a resolution to live by broken meate long after : which doth not savour well, except it bee mouldy : that, and himselfe therefore, should be spent sooner ; otherwise they grow visibly odious, but himselfe more odious then that.
IS no reasonable Man : For hee will sooner embrace a superficiall colour in things of moment, then search into direct causes : As for obvious and common accidents, he never lookes upon them so much with reason as upon matters of course. In all he doth desire, hee is little better then a Beast ; fore-casting onely to make a good temporall successe, and satisfie himselfe by his owne projects : and he is therfore no reasonable man, because no religious man : For Heathens and Barbarians have from the beginning been worshippers of somwhat. There needes no better direction to know there is a God ; then to knowe that an Atheist / p.179 / is Gods enemy. If thou canst seeme to bee familiar with him, and enter into the extremities of ill fortune, or begin to speake of great mens funerals, or honest mens persecutions, hee will instantly discover what he beleives ; being bolde enough to speake plainly (if thou canst apprehend) that vertue, innocence, and crafty dealing are alike rewarded : That wicked and religious men have no difference but the Name : That wronges may lawfully (if without danger apparant) bee repelled with worse wronges : and that therfore it argues basenesse of spirit, to contemne any preferment of advantage : That expectation of other, where joy is already present, were dotage, or madnesse ; and that honesty, which exceeds common forme, is singularity. From which Arguments you may draw the conclusion. If hee reserves these precepts among strangers, his practise will verifie the pattern. Take this for a foundation, Every Atheist is a self-pleasing Epicure though they be not convertible. If he inclines more to Epicurisme then policy ; this watch-word will be frequent in his cups, Hoc est vivere, hoc est vivere. But you may still observe, that hee contends to wash away all care with company, discourse and laughter, as if he knew his usurious creditor (a guilty conscience) waited to expostulate with him at an advantage. One therfore of this proportion, is more liable to the Law, but lesse dangerous to the common-wealth. Hee bringes most villany that feeles the disease inward ; and confutes his owne objections with falacious doctrine. He lives much about the fountaine of Iniquity, and therfore he must propound that those streames of custome be tolerable, or leave his profession. / p.180 / Hee hath a naturall flourish for super-naturall accidents. He turnes Divinity into colourable inventions of Philosophy. Hee knowes every thing under the name of a naturall body : hee beleeves Nature to be an invisible power, which intended generation for corruption, and corruption for generation. Hee distinguishes bodies into simple and compound, and makes creation a vulgar project obedient to the harmony of elements. Then, if hee knowes the meaning of Homogenea, and Hetrogenea, of corpus imperfecté mixtum, and perfecté mixtum, hee remaines largely satisfied. As for the causes of terrible events, hee apprehends the power of Exhalations, Meteors, Comets, and the Antiperistasis : which very names are able to forbid all further inquisition. Hee goes not therefore beyond himselfe and such as himselfe, for an authority : and hee esteemes it more convenient to thinke there is a reason in nature, then to trouble his brain with finding another, when it exceeds his positions. He never was taken for a friend in society, neither can he bestow love, because he cannot adventure his person ; life being his whole fælicity. If at any time therefore he intended love, he intended likewise a Physitian ; and him, no further then agreed with his own Humidum radicale : which must also be understood, if himselfe were no Physitian. He is alwaies confident beyond reformation. Hee dies with hope betweene his jawes, and therefore one may think him no desperate slave : but such hope deceives him, because hee hopes to live longer. So that like a candles end burning in the socket, he goes out stinking, with delay, and many faintings.
/ p.181 /
IS the falsest Diall in the Parish : whilst Memory the Sexton, who should keep language his clocke in order, lyes drunken in Security, the common Ale-house. Arithmeticke is in him a naturall vice : or at least the difficult parts of the Science : for he can both Substract and Multiply with more ease then speake true English : He may as well be a Tradesman of any sort by his profession, as a Knight of the Post, or a man-pleaser. He should (by his qualities) bee a good Gamester ; for the one is just in league with a voluntary ignorance, or an inforced knowledge, as much as the other : Hee never offends this way, but he offends double ; for hee cannot with credit, or knowledge of the Art Military, think it sufficient to defend with bare affirmance, and the walls of circumvention, except his cannon-othes be ready planted and discharged. Hee is not guilty of his own vice alone ; for seldome doth he avouch that, which his confederate will not justifie : and therfore he provides adherents for security : but in his owne single opinion hee doth match Copernicus. His common misery is well knowne, it persecutes him with divine Justice, for all his truths extraordinary, winne no beleife ; because false-hoods are so frequent. Hee takes it for granted, that hee can grace or disgrace any man at his pleasure : and if invention or his / p.182 / eloquence were able, hee could not want his purpose. It were Gods due Justice if he should run mad ; for he devides his meaning and his word ; and so distracts himselfe. Any advantage accruing to himselfe provokes his faculty ; though somtimes a friends love entices him to strange adventures. If neither the first nor second bee opportune, hee so labours onely to beget wonderfull narrations. He is ready enough to over-value himselfe, his friends, and his commodity : accounting it a politick straine to sett an excellent faire glosse on all ; that hee may purchase the reputation of a large estate : Which seemes to argue an innocent upright course, not fearing tyranny : But indeed he doth (from hence) deceive the world and dye a beggar, through the fore-going of estimation.
Let him live about great persons and his best discourses will be lye-blowne with tales of honour : but turne him to pasture a little into Spaine or Italy, and he will purge himselfe (in England) of twenty times more then he received. Hee tels no wonder without some preparative : as namely, he admits before-hand what may be : or he begins thus : You may thinke it is a lie : or, it will seeme strange, but I protest before God, it is very true : But if he be one that maintaines Ordinaries and publick meetings in delight of new relations ; he speaks altogether upon credible report; and you shall be the third man partakes of the novelty ; for he hath alwaies talked with one, that was an eye-witnesse : if hee were not himselfe the agent or beholder. Sometimes he delights to be a glorious fellow; and then no letters be conveyd from / p.183 / Italy or France; and no disgraces or advancements bee meditated in the court without his knowledge. He may at his election be admitted into the Colledge of Jesuits : but he loves not to forsake his Country, though he boasts of travailes ; and yet he is a meere fugitive. He was originally intended for a Rhetorician ; and lackes onely a little instruction : For hee is more conversant with Tropes then Figures ; and yet the figure of repetition, is his owne naturall. Attention makes thee very much culpable in his reports : beliefe makes thee apt to erre in the same kinde. He is more confident (if he could be uncased) in the rare exployts of Rosaclere, and Delphœbo, Amadis de Gaule, or Parismus, then the most holy Text of Scripture. It is an æquall difficulty to discerne his truth and untruth : for he is nothing but falshood, yet contrary to falshood, and contrary to truth : having more conveyances then a bawdy-house, or a suspected victualler. The truth is, there is no truth in him : let him tell me, that himselfe lyes, and I will not beleeve him. If he should strive for Antiquity, no English Generation can compare with him : And yet he needes no Herald, for he derives his Pedigree immediatly from the devill.
/ p.184 /
IS in Opinion a good fellow, in practise a living conduit. His vices are like Errata in the latter end of a false coppie : they point the way to vertue by setting downe the contrary. Hee is at all points armed for a Knight errant, and cald upon for adventures, every way as full of hazard. This makes him enter boldly into the Lyons, or the Greene Dragons Cave ; into the White Beares jawes, the Mermaids closets, the Sunnes Palace ; nay, more, into the devills chamber of presence. And for his Travailes let the Globe witnesse ; through every corner of which, he hath or can walke at his pleasure. Freedome hee challenges, and therefore scornes to be a tedious customer, till by enforcement, hee drinkes upon record ; otherwise he shiftes his watring place ; either to avoid his lowse the Bayliffe ; or to renew his fountaine : the last onely pleades for his commendation, because hee proceedes still from worse to better : which discommends him most, because it nourishes his facultie. The torment of his eye-sight is a frothy Tapster, or a sluggish Drawer with a deceitfull pot. The plagues of his palat be good wines, where he cannot purchase, nor be trusted : or a Taverne well furnished, that joynes to the prison doore : they vexe him, as a feast vexes the famished, in a strong Castle : or a Lambe the starved Foxe, when Mastiffes be awake. He never disallowes religion for putting Lent in the Almanacke : for / p.185 / Tobacco, a Rasher, and red Herrings, his instruments of relish, are at al times perhibited. There is some affinity betwixt him and a Chamelion : he feeds upon ayre ; for he doth eate his word familiarly. He hath a cheape course of breake-fasts, to avoide dinners ; which at his pleasure he can spare, through morning Antidotes : the inquisition of these he studies, and looses by the knowledge. He indifferently concludes, and beginnes quarrels : that quality neither much blames nor praises him. Hee cannot run fast enough to prove a good Foot-man : for Ale and beere (the heaviest element next earth) will overtake him. Oportunity he embraces, but in a bad sense : for he is rather studious to follow any mans calling then his owne. His nose the most innocent, beares the corruption of his other senses folly : From it may bee gathered the embleme of one falsely scandald : for it not offending, is colourably punished. It serves therefore for nothing but such an Embleme, except to prove the owners great innocence ; by how much it is the greater : His eminent seeming vertues be his peculiar vices : For his casting up expences, and his wisedome over the pot, be his unthriftinesse and folly. Sacke and strong liquours hardens him in his custome ; according to the nature of a bricke : as if he were ambitious to be red earth, like Adam. He proves the Philosophers opinion of Man, better then any ; for he is animal calidissimum and humidissimum the hottest and the moystest creature. Hee were utterly base, if unable to defend his habite : you shall therefore know him by his arguments. If he inclines to Scholler-ship, they be these : First, to abandon melancholy ; For care, hee saith, kils a / p.186 / Cat : then to avoide mischievous thoughts ; for hee that drinkes well, sleepes well, and hee that sleepes well thinkes no harme : hee may be thought a fit travailer in difficult journies, for he cannot misse the way ; no more then a blinde man misses a picture. His teeth be strongest, because least employed : Hence you may take the embleme of one truly miserable ; who abounds in profites, unprofitable to himselfe. A beggar, and hee are both of one stocke, but the beggar claimes antiquity : the beggar begs that he may drink, and hath his meaning : the other drinkes that he may beg, and shall have the true meaning shortly. In the degree of beggars it is thought he will turne Dummerer, he practises already, and is for that purpose many times taken speechlesse. If he goes out in the morning a libertine or a man lately manu-misd from liquor, he returnes at night a prisoner, if he doth returne : for he cannot returne safely without his keeper : otherwise, he converts suddenly from flesh to fish, and dives into the mud, or swims in his owne water. These together may prove fasting-dayes to be his naturall season. Whilst he is waking, he purges all secrets ; least I therefore by keeping him awake longer, should erre in the same kinde, I have now cast him into a dead sleepe.
/ p.187 /
A begging Scholler
IS an Artificiall vagabond : Hee tooke his first degree (as may be imagined) in the University : But he never thinks himselfe a full Graduate ; till by Cosmographicall science, hee surveys the degrees of Longitude, and Latitude, belonging to most of our famous Cittyes in England : So hee becomes Practitioner in the Mathematicks, though hee pretends Divinity by order of Commencement, which might bee a safe licence among divers ; if the Statute vouchsafed not to take notice of his roguery. He hath from the first houre of his Matriculation inherited the name of Sharke, by way of a generall dependance in the Colledge : But being perhaps expulsed, or departing in a hungry humour, hee travels with a prompt memory, in stead of other knowledge ; and above all things hee is wise enough for himselfe, to remember his wants. He never looked into Divinity beyond the meaning of two Sermons ; and upon those hee hath insisted so often, that he feeles no neede of another Library. He still pretends (like some single Phisitian) the cure of one disease, that is, the colde of Charity, and therefore (his charitable advise being ended) a bill of receipt followes for the ingredients : But the disease may bee thought to grow more desperate through the mistaken cure ; because the medicine is applyed / p.188 / unfitly. His helpe extends farre and neere to fugitive Raga-muffins, under the signe of impotent Soldiers, or wandring Abraham-men : but his helpe proves the maintenance of their function, because it proves his owne, by occasion : For being received as a Secretary to the counsell of vagrants, hee conceales much idle property in advantage of himselfe and Country-men, not of the Common-wealth. If you would privately know him ; you must know likewise, the journey to his friends hath beene tediously undertaken ; and whilst he bringes his money in question, you must know hee beggs for an answere, and so betrayes the doubt of sufficiency : Howsoever (in publicke) hee insinuates a deprivation ; by being too sufficient. Being admitted (for Hospitality sake) to receive lodging ; he hath a slight of hand, or cleanly conveiance, which threaten silver spoones ; and leaves a desperate sorrow among all the houshold Servants, because hee departed so soone. In the space of a naturall day he seldom travailes further then to the next Ale-house ; that so by degrees he may approach to a great Market upon the Sabaoth. He paies for what he takes continually, one way or other : For being no customer, hee cannot be trusted, except in case of necessity ; and then hee payes them experience to beware of such as he another time. Hee hath Learning to propound the Apostles president for travailes, but conscience little enough to looke any further. If his family be not portable, it comes in the rereward, and awaits his returne to the Rende-vouze: if otherwise he be attended with neither wife, nor maid- / p.189 / servant ; he makes use of both, as he finds himselfe able : He is sometime inducted by a simple Patron, to some more simple Vicarage ; But his Tythes and Credit concluding in Harvest, he takes his flight with the Swallow : He cannot therefore thrive among the promoted begging Schollers, because he hath no continuance.
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Second Booke of Characters.
IS the beggars body-lowse, which lives upon the bloud and carcase of them which can worst spare any : Hee proceeds commonly from such a one, as could not govern himselfe, to governe others imperiously : Hee cannot thinke of a place, more sutable with the safe practise of his villany ; No, not among the Roarers, or the company of quack-salvers. A thiefe, and a Murtherer, bee the names which make him iron madde, whiles himself proves the more exquisite offender : And if formerly hee hath bin infamous among all, it proves felicity with him now to insult over some, and growes the more implacable. At his first induction, hee begins (like all new Officers) to reforme Methodically : Hee may very well seem a bountifull Host, for he detaines his customers whether they will or no : but his bounty retireth, when he looseth advantage. Hee is a true Alchymist : no dreamer in that science : no, not the best / p.191 / proficient hath thriv'd better in his projections : He doth indeed more wisely (by vertue of his stone-walls, without the Philosophers stone) convert rusty Iron into perfect silver : He makes men beleeve, that the poore captives shall worke in daily labour to get a living : whiles his conjecture is verified in their nightly labor, by working through the enclosure ; or being idle they get livings too many. And by this meanes he makes a difference betwixt picking and stealing : for whomsoever he with-holds from stealing hee suffers to use picking freely. If he perceives an open object of increase, he will himselfe worke the meanes of disorder by plentifull liquor, that so a large fine may redeeme the quarrell : To which purpose he doth sophisticate his fuming Beere, to breed a skirmish the sooner : and then the dungeon is a dreadfull word, untill a competent bribe pacifie his humor. Hee lookes as earnestly and as often upon the palmes of hands as if hee could tell mens Fortunes : and the truth is he can give a shroad conjecture by that speculation. Nothing makes him so merry as a harsh Mittimus, and a potent captive : they come like an inscription with a fat goose against new-yeares-tide : but baile sounds a sorrowfull retrait : as if the inferiour Theife should loose a booty by composition : and yet he will take his wives suretiship for the more extent of liberty, because he knowes her perfect in the secrets of that Alchymie. Crueltyes are derived from himselfe into his whole family. Hee is a circumspect companion, and still dreames of an escape : and of a breaking forth he may well dreame, having so many putrified sores in one body : but seldome do any / p.192 / escape in his debt, though at their breaking out, they be a weeke behinde : for above one weeke he never trusts ; and not so long, unlesse the former advantage will recompence a fortnights arrerages. He hath as a great a gift in changing mens dispositions as poverty and courtship : for he can make them begge that otherwise are ashamed to begge. Briefly, he is in a manner, the Devils huntsman, who keepes those Beagles either for castigation, because they were not cunning enough, else for amendment of the Chace. For if he sends them forth, they prove Graduates, when they escape the Gallowes. As for himselfe, you may either meet him in the midst of Carrowses among his Customers, or riding post in mellancholy, to re-imparke his wilde runnagates.
IS a protected Cheater, or a Knave in authoritie, licenced by authority : he sprang from the corruption of other mens dishonesty ; and meetes none so intricately vitious, but he can match the patterne : which makes him free of all Trades by the statute : for this gives him a freedome to servey all besides himselfe. He is a fellow as much beholding to his five senses, as to his intellectuals : he can diversly imploy all his senses about diverse objects ; but commonly they are all / p.193 / occupied about one or two chiefly : the winding up of a jacke is better then musicke to his eares in Lent : the steame of a roasted joynt attracts his nostrils unsatiably : the sight of a shoulder of mutton then feeds his stomacke ; but the taste and feeling of it, provokes him to a dreadfull insultation. He is worse then an Otter-hound for a dive-dopping Ale-housekeeper : and hunts him out unreasonably from his Element of Liquor ; and yet he may seeme reasonable honest, for he hearkens readily to a composition. But whilst he consents to save men harmelesse (upon tearmes indifferent) he makes open way for another of his coate to incroach upon the like premises. So that he seemes to be the darling of some Welch pedigree : for he conspires with his owne profession, and makes a triumph of the least advantage, in the very same manner. Let him be a tytle-sifter and he will examine lands as if they had committed high treason : But then he will be daunted though he weares a double night-cap in reading the due fortune of his predicessours Empson and Dudley ; except his judgement serves him to mistake the Chronicle. The lesser Foxe workes upon simple creatures ; and the base informer upon poore mens fortunes. He promiseth restauration to a forbidden Ale-house with an Exchequer licence to vexe the Justices : whilst hee takes forty shillings, three pound, or upward for a single subpœna, to defend the Liquor-man, who incurres new charges by trusting in the apparant cousenage. He takes away the relation betwixt a lawyer and his Client ; and makes it generally extend to the Clearkes in Offices : under whose safegard hee hath his Licence seal'd to travaile : a foot-post and hee differ in the / p.194 / discharge of their packet, and the payment : for the Informer is content to tarry the next Tearme (perhaps) till a Judgement. His profession affoords practisers both great and small ; both bucke-hounds and harriers : the essence of both is inquisition. But the first is a more thriving and ancient stocke of hatred : for he is a kinde of Antiquarie : the last is seldome medling with men much above him : howsoever, sometimes hee is casually the scourge of an ignorant Justice.
A base Mercenary Poet
IS the most faithfull obsequious servant of him that gives most. He subscribes his definition to all Dedicatory Epistles. If mother-wit raisd him to be a writer, hee shewes himselfe a dutiful childe and beggs Poems in defence of Nature : neither can he choose but betray himselfe to be a cosset, by his odde frisking matter, and his Apish Titles : which may perswade any reasonable man, that hee studyes more to make faces, then a decent carriage. If hee have learnt Lillies Grammer, and a peece of Ovids Metamorphosis, he thinkes it time to ask his Patrons blessing with some worke that savours very much of the authors meaning, and two or three Latine sentences. If hee hath seene the University, and forsaken it againe, because he felt no deserts which might challenge a Benefactor : Then hee calles every man (besides his Patron) / p.195 / a despiser of Learning, and he is wonderfull angry with the world ; but a brace of angels will pacifie his humour. If hee bee an expulsed Graduate, hee hath beene conversant so long with rules of Art, that hee can expresse nothing without the Art of begging, or publick sale : But commonly hee is some swimming-headed Clark, who after he hath spent much time in idle Sonnets, is driven to seeke the tune of Silver, to make up the consort. Necessity and covetous hire, bribe his invention, but cannot corrupt his conscience : For though he undertakes more then hee is able, yet hee concludes within expectation of others that knowe him, and so hee deceives himselfe only. Gold and Silver onely doe not make him a hyerling ; but envy, malice, and the meanes to be made famous : among which means, the cheife bee Libells, scandala magnatum, petty treasons, and imprisonments. Hee will never forfeite his day to necessity, if hee writes by obligation ; which happens divers times when hee is the Scrivener and the Debtor : For the tide of one Pamphlet being vented at his elbowes, with leaning upon Taverne-tables ; hee tyes himselfe to certain limites ; within which precincts he borrowes much, translates much, coynes much, converting all to his project : and if matter failes, hee flyes upon the Lawyer, or disgraces an enemy. Hee may dissemble with the world, for he dissembles with himselfe : striving to conceive well of errors, though his conscience tells him they bee grosse errors : And when hee heares his play hissed, hee would rather thinke bottle-Ale is opening (though in the midst of winter) then thinke his ignorance deserves it. His Apologies discover his shifting cousenage : for hee attributes / p.196 / the vices of his quil to the Ages infirmity ; which endures nothing but amorous delightes, close bawdry, or mirthfull Jests. As if the ignorance of any Age could hinder a wise mans propositions. He makes Poems that consist onely of verse and rime instead of excellent composures, with the same confidence that ignorant Painters make a broad face and a flat-cap to signifie King Harry the eight : confounding (like a bad Logician) the forme and the dimention. Hee is a Traded fellow, though he seems a Scholler : but is never free of the Company, or accepted, till hee hath drunk out his Apprentise-hood among the graund Masters : and then with an univocall consent, hee may commend his Wares, turne them into the fashion, dresse over his olde Pamphlets, and not be any way disgrac'd among them. If his owne guilty judgement cannot approve his owne Poems : Hee thinks his fortune good enough to make his Reader approve, or dispence with follies : and upon that hope hee dares often publish, and is as often laught at : but he hath wit enough to serve the whole Citty, if hee makes the Lord Maiors pageants. He presumes much uppon absolute good meanings, though the Text be palpable : and yet where hee commends himselfe best, he is not refractory, for he still promises amendment, or some more voluminous worke, to gratifie his benefactors ; but hee could never live long enough to finish his miracles. Many have beene accounted traytors who have conspired lesse against the King then he : for he layes plots in wrighting to make the King loose his time, if hee vouchsafe to see them acted. But hee is much indebted to the favour of Ladies, or at least seemes to have been gratiously rewarded.
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If he affects this humour, hee extolls their singular judgement before hee meddles with his matter in question : and so selles himselfe to the worldes opinion. If his handes bee no more active then his head, hee is guiltie of many a good Scribes idlenesse, by making that legible, which (before Transcription) might have bin tollerable folly. If you be therfore an honest, or generous patron, suffer him not to bee printed.
A common Player
IS a slow Payer, seldom a Purchaser, never a Puritan. The Statute hath done wisely to acknowledg him a Rogue errant, for his chiefe essence is, A daily Counterfeit : He hath beene familiar so long with out-sides, that he professes himselfe, (being unknowne) to be an apparant Gentleman. But his thinne Felt, and his silke Stockings, or his foule Linnen, and faire Doublet, doe (in him) bodily reveale the Broker : So beeing not sutable, hee proves a Motley : his mind observing the same fashion of his body : both consist of parcells and remnants : but his minde hath commonly the newer fashion, and the newer stuffe : hee would not else hearken so passionately after new Tunes, new Trickes, new Devises : These together apparrell his braine and understanding, whilst he takes the materialls upon trust, and is / p.198 / himself the Taylor to take measure of his soules liking. Hee doth conjecture somewhat strongly, but dares not commend a playes goodnes, till he hath either spoken, or heard the Epilogue : neither dares he entitle good things Good, unlesse hee be heartned on by the multitude : till then hee saith faintly what hee thinkes, with a willing purpose to recant or persist : So howsoever hee pretends to have a royall Master or Mistresse, his wages and dependance prove him to be the servant of the people. When he doth hold conference upon the stage ; and should looke directly in his fellows face ; hee turnes about his voice into the assembly for applause-sake, like a Trumpeter in the fields, that shifts places to get an eccho. The cautions of his judging humor (if hee dares undertake it) be a certaine number of sawsie rude jests against the common lawyer ; hansome conceits against the fine Courtiers ; delicate quirkes against the rich Cuckold a Cittizen ; shadowed glaunce for good innocent Ladies and Gentlewomen ; with a nipping scoffe for some honest Justice, who hath imprisoned him : or some thriftie Trades-man, who hath allowed him no credit : alwayes remembred, his object is, A new play, or A play newly revived. Other Poems he admits, as good-fellowes take Tobacco, or ignorant Burgesses give a voyce, for company sake ; as thinges that neither maintaine nor be against him. To be a player, is to have a mithridate against the pestilence ; for players cannot tarry where the plague raignes ; and therfore they be seldome infected. He can seeme no lesse then one in honour, or at least one mounted ; for unto miseries which persecute such, he is most incident. Hence it proceeds, that in the pros- / p.199 / perous fortune of a play frequented, he proves immoderate, and falles into a Drunkards paradise, till it be last no longer. Otherwise when adversities come, they come together : For Lent and Shrovetuesday be not farre asunder, then he is dejected daily and weekely : his blessings be neither lame nor monstrous ; they goe upon foure legges, but moove slowly, and make as great a distance between their steppes, as between the foure Tearmes. Reproofe is ill bestowed uppon him ; it cannot alter his conditions : he hath bin so accustomed to the scorne and laughter of his audience, that hee cannot bee ashamed of himselfe : for hee dares laugh in the middest of a serious conference, without blushing. If hee marries, hee mistakes the Woman for the Boy in Womans attire, by not respecting a difference in the mischiefe : But so long as he lives unmarried, hee mistakes the Boy, or a Whore for the Woman ; by courting the first on the stage, or visiting the second at her devotions. When hee is most commendable, you must confesse there is no truth in him : for his best action is but an imitation of truth, and nullum simile est idem. It may be imagined I abuse his carriage, and hee perhaps may suddenly bee thought faire-conditioned : for he playes above board. Take him at the best, he is but a shifting companion ; for hee lives effectually by putting on, and putting off. If his profession were single, hee would thinke himselfe a simple fellow, as hee doth all professions besides his owne : His own therefore is compounded of all Natures, all humours, all professions. Hee is politick also to perceive the common-wealth doubts of his licence, and therefore in spight of Parliaments or Statutes hee incorporates / p.200 / himselfe by the title of a brotherhood. Painting and fine cloths may not by the same reason be called abusive, that players may not be called rogues : For they bee chiefe ornaments of his Majesties Revells. I need not multiplie his character ; for boyes and every one, wil no sooner see men of this Facultie walke along but they wil (unasked) informe you what hee is by the vulgar title. Yet in the generall number of them, many may deserve a wise mans commendation : and therefore did I prefix an Epithite of common, to distinguish the base and artlesse appendants of our citty companies, which often times start away into rusticall wanderers and then (like Proteus) start backe again into the Citty number.
IS an earthly minded man : Hee pluckes his living from the earths bowels : and therefore is his minde most conversant about that element : He lives in a little Arcenall or watch-tower, being well provided with Engines and Artilery : with which (like another tyrant) he doth encounter the enemies of his Inhabitants ; that hee may engrosse them all the more entirely : And yet in some respects he is a good Governour, for he delights more in the death of one enemy, then sixe subjects : The reason is apparent : for one foe is able to destroy twentie of his Vassailes ; and so his gaines / p.201 / be prevented : Therefore a Polecat and he, are at continuall variance : yet he is charitable and mercifull, for if the Pole-cat turns Ferret and obeys him, none agree better : Hee doth waive much spoyle by his mid-night watches, and yet he owes no Lord-ship : The truth is, tumblers, nets, and other trafficke do escheate to him, although the owner be living. He verifies the proverb of plenty : the more he hath, the more he would have : for though his owne ground be full of breeders, yet he cannot forbeare to have his hand in private Warrens. Hee is much, and most perplexed, because pales and hedges will not keepe his Cattell in compasse : if he cannot therefore compound with the neighbours adjacent, he hath a tricke to affright those that transgresse their limites, by scattering murthered captives (as Pole-cats, and Weasels) in their places of refuge : And this is a deepe quillet in the profession : Besides this he hath little knowledge of moment, except the science of making Trappes : or circumvention of innocent dogs to feed vermine. The chiefe petition of his prayer, is for blacke frosts, Sunneshine weather, and calme midnights : under protection of the last, he walkes fearelesse, with a pike staffe, to exercise the liberty of that season among other mens backsides : Where he hath many night-spels, to the hazard of much Pullen, and indeed all things thieve-able ; if he doth not play the valiant Foot-man, and take tribute of passengers : Neither is he worthy to be such a dealer with nets and Cony-chatching if he could not intrap the Kings subjects : I make no question therefore that he is worthy of his profession : howsoever sometimes he is catcht in a pit-fall / p.202 / of liquor by his companions : whilst they perhaps being Poulterers, prove tyrannicall substitutes, and rob his possessions : but in revenge, hee doth often encroach upon the Poulterers likewise with a drunken bargaine.
IS the lieutenant of dogs, and foe to Harvest : He is proudly willing to governe ; and because he findes himselfe unsufficient to deale with men wisely, he commands dogs ; which fawne upon the Master and snarle at strangers. He is frolicke in a faire morning fit for his pleasure ; and alike rejoyceth with the Virginians, to see the rising Sunne : He doth worship it, as they ; but worships his Game more then they : And in some things almost as barbarous. A sluggard he contemnes, and thinkes the resting time might be shortned ; which makes him rise with day, observe the same pace, and prove full as happy ; if the day be happie. The names of Foxe, Hare, and Bucke, be all tracting sillables ; sufficient to furnish fifteen meales with long discourse in the adventures of each. Foxe drawes in his exploits done against Cubbes, Bitch-foxes, Otters, and Badgers : Hare, brings out his encounters, plat-formes, engines, fortifications, and night-worke done against Leveret, Cony, Wilde-cat, Rabbet, Weasell, and Pole-cat : Then / p.203 / Bucke, the Captaine of all, provokes him (not without strong Passion) to remember Hart, Hinde, Stagge, Roe, Pricket, Fawne, and Fallow Deere. Hee uses a dogged forme of government, which might be (without shame) kept in Humanity ; and yet he is unwilling to be governed with the same reason : either by being satisfied with pleasure, or content with ill fortune. Hee hath the discipline to marshall dogs, and sutably : when a wise Herald would rather mervaile, how he should distinguish their coats, birth, and gentry. Hee carries about him in his mouth the very soule of Ovids bodies, metamorphosed into Trees, Rockes, and Waters : For when he pleases, they shall eccho and distinctly answere ; and when he pleases, be extreamely silent. There is little danger in him towards the Commonwealth : for his worst intelligence comes from Shepheards or Woodmen ; and that onely threatens the destruction of Hares ; a welknowne dry meate. The spring and he are still at variance : in mockage therfore, and revenge together of that season, he weares her livery in Winter. Little consultations please him best ; but the best directions hee doth love and followe ; they are his Dogs : If he cannot prevaile therefore, his lucke must be blamed ; for hee takes a speedy course. Hee cannot be lesse then a conquerour from the beginning, though he wants the boote ; for he pursues the flight. His Man-hood is a crooked sworde with a saw backe ; but the badge of his generous valour is a horn to give notice. Battery and blowing up, hee loves not : to undermine is his Stratageme. His Physicke teaches him not to drinke sweating ; in amends whereof, he liquors / p.204 / himselfe to a heate, upon coole bloud : If hee delights (at least) to emulate his Dog in a hot nose. If a Kennell of Hounds passant take away his attention and company from Church ; doe not blame his devotion ; for in them consists the nature of it, and his knowledge. His frailties are, that he is apt to mistake any dog worth the stealing, and never take notice of the Collar. Hee dreames of a Hare formed, a Fox kenneld, a Bucke lodged, or a Hart in harbor : And if his fancy would bee moderate, his actions might be full of pleasure.
IS the egge of an ordinary Goose-woman, hatcht up amongst Hawkes and Spaniels. Hee hath in his minority conversed with Kestrils, and young Hobbies ; but growing up hee begins to handle the Lure, and look a Fawlcon in the face. All his learning makes him but a new Linguist ; for to have studied and practised the termes of Hawkes Dictionary is enogh to excuse his wit, manners, and humanity. Hee hath too many Trades to thrive ; and yet if he had fewer, he wold thrive lesse : he neede not be envied therefore, for a Monopoly, though hee be Barber surgeon, Physitian, and Apothecary, before he commences Hawkleech : for though he exercise all these, and the art of Bow-strings together, his patients be compelled to pay him / p.205 / no further, then they are able. Hawkes are his object, that is, his knowledge, admiration, labour, and all : They be indeed his idoll, or Mistresse, be they Male or Female : to them hee consecrates his amorous Ditties, which be no sooner framed then hallowed : Nor should he doubt to overcome the fairest, seeing hee reclaimes such Haggards ; and courts every one with a peculiar Dialect. That he is truly affected to his Sweethart in her fether-bed, appeares by the sequele ; himselfe is sensible of the same misery : for they bee both mewed up together : But hee still chuses the worst pennance ; by chusing rather an Ale-house, or a Cellar, for his moulting place, then the Hawkes mew. Hee cannot bee thought lesse then a spie, and that a dangerous one : For his espials are, that hee may see the fall of what hee persecutes : and so the Wood-cocks perish : if they doe not, his Art is suspended. He is a right busie-body, who intermeddles so much with others affaires, that he forgets his own : Hee would not else correct his Hawkes wildnesse ; and be so ready to trample downe the standing corne ; or make way through enclosures : That argues him to be Rebellious and vulgar ; one apt to strive for liberty. His Man-hood I dare not signifie, it remaines doubtfull upon equall tearmes, because, seldom tried with any thing but wild-fowle : and then hee performes water-service ; perhaps sea-service ; but both, in some fowle manner : By Land he serves, on horse or foote ; on both, to destroy Partrige, or Pheasant. You may truely call him an extream bad husband if he lyes in a Floc-bed ; because hee meddles so much with Fowles and doth not feather his nest. There is no hope of his rising, / p.206 / though hee doth excell : for he rather seekes to make others ambitious of rising, then himselfe : and therefore though hee frames winges with Dædalus, he thereby makes his Hawke onely fitt to aspire : Yet if any shall (by conjecture) take a flight from Paules Steeple ; hee will (I suppose) as soone as any : for hee proves wiser already in the art of winges then Bladud. I had rather (in the mean time) take his worde then his oath ; for when he speakes without an oath, hee is not troubled with the passion of his Curres, or Haggards ; and therfore cannot so well excuse it, if hee breakes his promise. As for Religion, shee is a bird of too high a wing ; his Hawkes cannot reach it, and therefore not hee. And if hee flies to Heaven, it is a better flight, then any hee hath commended : There, I meddle not with him ; thither hee must carry himselfe : for I can neither condemne, nor save him.
IS a concealed commodity. His worth or value is not fully known till he be halfe rotten : and then hee is worth nothing. He hath Religion enough to say, God blesse his Majesty ; God send peace, and faire weather : So that one may gleane Harvest out of him to be his time of happines : but the Tith sheafe goes against his conscience ; for hee had / p.207 / rather spend the value upon his Reapers and Plough-men, then bestow any thing to the maintenance of a Parson. Hee is sufficiently Booke-read, nay a profound Doctor, if hee can search into the diseases of Cattell : and to foretell rain by tokens, makes him a miraculous Astronomer. To speake good English is more then hee much regards ; and for him not to contemne all Arts and Languages, were to condemne his own education. The pride of his House keeping is a messe of Creame, a Pigge, or a green-Goose : and if his servants can uncontrowled finde the high-way to the Cupboord, it winnes the name of a bountifull Yeoman. Doubtles hee would murmur against the Tribunes law ; by which none might occupy more then five hundred acres : For hee murmurs against himselfe, because hee cannot purchase more. To purchase Armes (if he æmulates Gentry) sets upon him like an Ague : It breakes his sleepe, takes away his stomack, and hee can never be quiet till the Herald hath given him the Harrowes, the Cuckowe, or some ridiculous Embleme for his Armory. The bringing up, and Marriage of his eldest Son ; is an ambition which afflicts him so soon as the boy is borne, and the hope to see his sonne superior, or placed above him, drives him to dote upon the boy in his Cradle. To peruse the Statutes, and preferre them before the Bible, makes him purchase the credit of a shrewd fellow : and then hee bringes all adversaries to composition. If at length he can discover himselfe in large Legacies beyond expectation, hee hath his desire. Meane time, hee makes the prevention of a dearth his Title, to bee thought a good common-wealths man. And therefore he preserves a Chandelors treasure of / p.208 / Bacon, Linkes and Puddings in the Chimney corner. Hee is quickly and contentedly put into the fashion, if his clothes be made against Whitsontide, or Christmas day : and then outwardly he contemnes appearance : Hee cannot therefore choose but hate a Spaniard likewise ; and (hee thinkes) that hatred onely, makes him a loyall subject : for benevolence and subsidies bee more unseasonable to him, then his quarters Rent. Briefly, being a good house-keeper, hee is an honest man : and so, he thinkes of no rising higher, but rising early in the morning ; and being up, hee hath no end of motion, but wanders in his Woods and Pastures so continually, that when hee sleepes, or sitts, (I thinke) hee wanders also. After this, hee turnes into his element, by being too ventrous hot, and colde : then he is fit for nothing but a checkered grave : howsoever some may thinke him convenient to make an everlasting bridge ; because his best foundation hath beene (perhaps) upon Wool-packes.
IS (if beautifull) the abatement of reckonings, or the second course : if a widow, she is the journeys end of a weather-beaten Traveller : if ordinary, shee is the servant and the Mistresse ; but in generall, shee is a receiver to all professions, and acquainted by experience with cookery, or / p.209 / sluttery. Being invited to her owne provisions, shee prepares the way to mittigate her prises, either by exclayming upon the hard times, or insinuating the sublime price of Mutton. Shee must bee pardoned, though shee depart before supper is ended ; for she is modestly ashamed to heare her sinfull reckonings. She professes the kitchin, but takes place in the chamber : and having interrupted the Guest with a cup of heartily welcome, shee signifies his sorrow, though it be manifest silence shee excuses the attendance by varietie of guests ; and blaming the Maid-servants, shee commends her self for the sole agent and you must conceive amisse of the shambles, or butter-market upon her honesty. Her chiefest knowledge is to distinguish uppon the trades of our belly ; and though she condemnes a Taylor for lengthening his bill with bumbast, stiffening, silke and buttons ; yet shee furnishes her own in the same kind, with wine, bread, sallets and cheese ; and though shee seldome abate the price of reckonings, yet she can give a morsell of her own into the bargaine, if that may satisfy. She chuses servants also that will give the best content : and that shee insinuates though shee undoes a traveller. Shee may abhorre drunkennesse ; but in her own house conceales it, and receives the advantage : neyther dares she reprove her husbands thirstie humor, least shee should loose her freedome ; when hee resignes his power to lazinesse, by which hee was ingendred. Her husbands sloth makes her imployed proudly ; being heartily ambitious of labour, if shee can boast well, that her paynes alone keepe her husband and his familie. She keepes open house and therefore she thinkes a porter as much impertinent as laces to / p.210 / her placket. If her self be spunge and corke, shee hath a daughter or a Chaumber maide of Ivy. These and shee together make the best of a bad bargaine, and therefore shee affoords no penny-worth which is not the best that can suddenly be bought for money. She seldome invites cost-free : for shee determines to bee paid commonly. If therefore she doth invite, she is a rare woman ; neither hath shee any thing else to pleade raritie. Brieflie, shee is a thing of cleane linnen that is the warrant of her cleanlinesse. She makes the welcome of a new, the farewell of an olde Traveller. She hearkens joyfully to the numerous footing of horses : and having with a quick accent twise called the Chamberlaine, she is now busie about dressing supper.
IS an infernall : the Belzebub of a Sellor, and the very motion of a double Jugge. Hee was engendred by a Drunkards appetite and urine : for nothing but his desire to fill and emptie, hath bred a Tapster. Hee is of a barmy disposition, apt to cleave, and therfore hee seekes to be familiar at first sight ; but instead of friendship he retains the names of customers : only betwixt Brewers men and him, there passes hungry and thirstie love ; consisting of Holland cheese and Rowles in recompence of bottle-ale, and strong / p.211 / Beere. You may call him swinish, for hee beares cheife sway among the hogsheads : and claimes authority among them to remove and preferre. Drawers and hee live at variance ; for hee thinkes the grape a disparagement to malt ; and therefore he incounters Wine even with the smallest beere hee hath, to affright the fortitude of Sacke, and Claret : But (which betrayes his stratagems) he gladly makes the Vintners vessell his vassaile and Renegado. Nay rather he farmes Diogenes his tenement ; and fearing he should bee dispossessed (I thinke) hee puts in a valorous tenant that will beate the mad Cinicks braynes out if hee dares Incounter. His riches are single, they consist of single money : his profession double, it consists of double Beere : but then his faculties are againe so single, that if he leaves the sellar, hee must begge or steale : for ignorance and lazinesse have bin his education. Meane time hee is kept from Robbery by exchange of single peeces : and yet he disables himselfe in exchange unlesse hee expects nothing by delay. He feeles the same sorrow to heare you discommend his liquor, that hee doth to see you depart. It goes against his conscience to see the cup stand quietly ; and against his stomack to see you preferre Mutton before powdred-beefe. He is a prettier fellow of his handes then any of the guarde : for give him leave to draw apace, and hee will strike down twelve gards. He hath an ambitious memorie which cannot deceive him, because hee hath taught it to deceive others : for his aboundance of memory, and his meaning to get a stocke, labour to get a superfluous two-pence in the reckoning. He would make an asse of Kelly if he were living : Kelly / p.212 / wrought upon somewhat ; but this fellow makes money of meere nothing : for hee gets by froth, and emptinesse. His brain swarmes with a tempest of bottle reckonings ; which makes him carelesse of hats : least hee should breed an impostume, by inclosing their multitude ; else hee is afraide least the hot and moyst reckonings he carries in his head, shoulde dissolve his felt, and therefore he goes uncovered ; else to shew hee reverences the Cellar and weeke-dayes, more then the Church or Sabboth ; for then onely hee playes the Turke, and puts on : else (which is indeed the reason) he knowes all commers claime his dutie, and therefore he walks bare-headed to save a labour. He attributes the scant measure of his Jugge, to the Cellars darknesse, and his saving nature ; but rather then he will justifie both, he hath a certaine slight of hand to fill the first glasse, and so avoyds inquisition. All his conscience is, that he dares not cast away Gods good creatures ; and therfore he preserves the droppings to make a compound. He is an ignoble wretch : do what you can, hee will cousen you with his Can. Of his prayers and religion, I neither finde any thing, nor will I leave any thing, written. But I believe strongly, that in stead of Praying, he wishes to heare men desirous of Collops and Egges, or red Herrings. And therfore I thinke he should thrive best in a sea voyage ; because he commends the relish of meats seasoned exceedingly. His bladder is more capable then his greasie pouch ; and more immoderately widened. He hath nothing to commend his literature, but Brachigraphy, or the science of short writing, which hee practises upon the barrels head, or behinde the doore : the / p.213 / meaning whereof he expounds, but doth not discover the rules. If he dares defend his function in Winter, he must provide an Orator : for he speakes coldly for himselfe, as being troubled with a common hoarsnesse to betray his vigilance. Briefly, you must imagine him a light fellow, and like the corke, which swimmes with moysture, is supported with liquor, and tyed about the bottle or jugges neck : there, or neere about that, you may finde him personally.
A Lawyers simple Clarke
IS his Masters right hand, if hee bee not left-handed : or the second dresser of Sheep-skinnes : one that can extract more from the parchment, then the Husbandman from the Fleece. He is a weake Grammarian ; for he beginnes to peirce, before he can construe well : Witnesse the Chambermaide. Neither can you discommend him : for his best education hath beene at a dull Writing-schoole. Hee doth gladly imitate Gentlemen in their garments ; they allure the Wenches, and may (perhaps) provoke his Mistresse : but then hee must bee a customer to Cookes shoppes, and lowe Ordinaries, or visit the Broaker, to bespeake Silke stockinges, without which he thinkes Gentry doth much degenerate. Having done thus (if his cloake did not reveale him by instinct) he might passe suddenly for a Gentleman : pre- / p.214 / suming on which, and his plausible discourse, he dares attempt a mistresse : but if he chooses worthily, he feeles himselfe worthily contemned, because he woes with bawdery in text ; and with Jests, or speeches stolne from Playes, or from the common-helping Arcadia. Hee may be reasonably commaunded by his maister in attendance : but if hee rides with a Cloake bagge, he thinkes himself disgraced behinde his backe. Hee may bragge of the Universitie, and that hee hath commenced ; yet hee can hardly tell you by learning the first use of Parchment ; though it concernes him neerely ; for being once in a Colledge, and now a Clearke, it seemes plaine that he was an arrant rakehell. Howsoever, he is otherwise a peaceable companion : for as hee continually makes agreement, so himselfe sits quietly, by his Embleme of meeknesse, the sheeps-skinnes ; except the itch troubles him. You can make no question that he is provided to dispatch readily ; for hee hath his businesse at his fingers end. He may pretend Scholership : but all that is nothing unlesse you compare it with a Jugglers, and then hee may seeme cunning : for hee doth exceed a Juggler in the slight of hand : being able by his cleanly conveyance, to remove the possession of lands forty miles distant. He trembles therefore alike with all Handicrafts, (though he most valerous) to thinke if he should offer violence in the Court : for upon his Palmes and Fingers depend his In-comes. He is no vain Disputant : this knowledge is positive ingrossd, and so upon record. Selfe-conceit in workes, he refuses : for hee labours about nothing which is not justifiable by Presidents, either of West, his maister or a teacher. In the compasse of which three he / p.215 / tyes his approbation of witt so narrowly, that I cannot blame him if hee condemnes this Character, for (upon my knowledge) hee can finde no such thing in the Presidents. Then hee doth not seeme to delight in a retired life : for hee sits alwaies in the most outward roome of his maisters chamber. He may be very much tempted to pick and pilfer ; for Legit ut clericus cannot be applied to any man so fitly. He is not ashamed of what he doth : for hee regards not to have a finger, but a whole hand in the busines. To which purpose you may see his name subscribed in Court, after sealed and delivered. Hee doth relye upon his maisters practise, large indentures, and a deske to write upon. He can shew little or no signe of humility like his degraded lodging in the trunckle-bed ; which hazzards many fleabites, and the violent ayre of his Maisters feet. Westminster likewise doth not altogether not concerne him : hee hath a motion thither, and a motion there : Thither hee moves by way of injunction from his Maister : there hee moves in the common place of breake-fasts, for reliefe of his stomacke ; and if hee can match his breakefast and dinner without grudging of his stomack, he hath his desire. He is a follower : for he weares a livery, but no servant, for hee payes his owne wages. If he bee drunken you must say hee staggers, to avoide æquivocation : for when he is sober hee makes Indentures. Serving himselfe, hee serves God by occasion : for whilst hee loves his gaine, and serves his desire of getting, hee hates idlenesse. If his Maister thrives, hee cannot doe amisse ; for hee leades the way, and still rides before. Hee is the / p.216 / Sophister, or Soliciter to an Atturney ; and from himselfe hee proceedes to an Atturney : that is his commencement. So that a Clearke in thesi, is an Atturney in Hypothesi.
A Pettifogging Atturney
IS a fellow at your commaund for ten groates, and hath no inheritance, but a knavish forme of understanding. Hee is extreamely graced if he talke with two velvet-cloak'd Clients in five Tearmes : and desires to salute great Lawyers, in view to purchase reputation. He is indeed the upshot of a proud ignorant Clarke, and retaines his learning from Pænall Statutes, or an English Littleton. He doth multiplie businesse, as a tinker multiplies worke, with mending : and in a Michaelmas tearme, hee will seeme more busie about offices, then a flea at midnight in the midst of summer. He is a better commoditie to himselfe then Stockfish (being well beaten.) His chiefe invention is how hee may take bribes from both parties, and please both fashionably : how he may cousen his friends to all advantage, and give the glosse of good dealing : if his wickednesse thrives well, hee proves a terrible Asse in a Lions skin : but whilst he out dares any man and forgets himselfe to be a buzzard, his confidence deceives him : Hee keepes a trotting pace to signify imployment. Chancery lane is his loome : for in the tearme he / p.217 / runnes nimbly from one end to the other like a shuttle to weave mischiefe. Subpænaes, Executions and all Writs of quarrell be his bond-slaves. Hee doth naturally exclaime upon Poets and Players ; they are too inquisitive about his cousonage. Hee commends Divinitie ; but makes the professors simple men when they submit to his mercy : hee still preferres the authority of a Statute where it makes for his purpose (though mistaken) before God and a good conscience. His Religion is the Kings continually : And he would willingly come to Church on Sundaies if hee had ended his Declarations. He is insatiatly given to get by any man hee deales with ; so much, that he will scarse borrow ten shillings, unlesse he may get ten pence. His chiefe pride is to behave himselfe better then he is able, and chiefely in delivering of his charge at Courtleetes : where hee assumes much peremptorie state, and knowes the audience cannot apprehend where hee stole his lesson : and then though his minde bee not in the Dishes, it is in the Kitchin. There is such a neere union betwixt him and fees, that if ignorance hath made him spare a deceite in over-burthening his client, hee thinkes hee hath not done as he should doe, and that hee deserves miserably to bee laught at. His highest ambition is an Innes of Court, an old rich widdow, and the Stewardship of Leetes, and still he hopes to be the first of his name : He loves little manners but where he hopes to save, and there he playes the Sychophant. Hee had rather eate still then wipe his mouth : rather (I meane) seeke meanes to multiplie, then to repent his olde couseage. Hee thinkes nature may justifie his dealing though he proves somewhat bold with his kindred ; / p.218 / and therfore hee will couzen his own brother before any man. His almes bee oulde Shooes for Broomes : one for another : for without receiving he never gives. His discourse is commonly attended with a Scire facias, and he is ashamed in his heart when he heares of a cunninger knave then himselfe. Briefly, hee is indeed a meere Atturney, fit for all turnes that any way enrich his Cofer : for he hath knavery enough to cosen the people, but wit enough to deceive the gallowes. Howsoever being too busy about his common baite of lucre (thinking to snap at the divels glow-worme,) he is catched in his common noose, the Pillory, from whence he is delivered : but the Hunts-man markes him for an old breeder.
I might heere accuse some excellent Atturneys (though they be good patterns of their countreys knowledge) because they could not in my former impression take this Character without scandall to themselves and honesty : and yet I pardon their mistaking : Because it is no discredit for a good Atturney to be no good Logitian.
A crafty Scrivener
IS the curse of mans crafty dealing : Hee is a curious workeman, and may be free of the Lock-smithes : for full of Instruments hee is, and Engines : and makes Manacles for / p.219 / any mans wearing above Twenty One. His first ambition commonly is to joyne forces, and make up his defects of pollicy, and custome by partaking in anothers projects : Then doth hee readily aspire to frequented places, a convenient shop, the notice of his neighbours, and so engrosse credit, or some text Widdow, by the Noverint of his Grogren-gowne : A common Strumpet never fawned so much on a young heire, as hee with flattery observes the Usurer, and with nice dutifull care to preserve him, makes his rotten hide, the chiefe Indentures that containe his Title. Obligations bee his best prayers : for hee cannot tie God to performe conditions, or put in suertyship. His friendship hath a Countermaund of being too honest ; which hee will obey, rather then not save by the bargaine. Hee is the safest man from danger in the pedigree of rapines ; for first, the Gallant lives by sale and Countrey Tenants ; the Citizen by the Gallant ; the Scrivener and the Devill upon both, or all : so neither lives by losse with the Gallant, nor upon trust, with the Citizen : His condemnation is a knot of Seales and their Impression : the first discover to him a conformed unity ; yet none hath more hand in the procuring of variance. The last discovers a tractable nature, which gives and takes impression. Of the first (that is to give) he knowes no meaning but when he gives the print of his fist, that it may sticke by elder brothers a whole age. Of the last (that is to take impression) he knowes none but a wrong meaning : for the best seale that imprints love in him, is onely the Kings picture ; and that love continues no longer then he beholds it. His quills and instruments betoken peace : you cannot therefore expect / p.220 / more valour in him, then to win ground by the advantage of weake Prodigalls, and such as runne away from thriftinesse : they be most importunate with him : with them he prevailes most : to them he sels his extortious nature at the highest value, because they be most willing to make it their penyworth. Is it possible hee should escape damnation, when his whole trust and dealing is in great Security ? He will suspend his neerest familiars, and not absolutely resolve them what he is able to doe ; in hope to purchase a supper or some provoking remembrance : and if hee be brought to testifie against his Usurer, he will counterfeit his knowledge, worse then a common Bawd that is questioned by an Officer about whoores. I know not how he should be trusted in his dealing : for when he promises to do much for a spendthrifts bribe, hee writes against him soon after, by making that Bond, which he knowes will be forfeited. His memory is his own ; another cannot safely trust it, in reckoning the day of payment : for he reckons what he can save, by renewing the hazard of a second forfeit, not your losse by the first : and so he over-reaches you, by over-reaching the time, when you trust his memory : If you trust him therefore you may feele the forfeite, and pay largely for an acquittance. He may perhaps helpe a friend in adversitie, but he will be damnd first ; by helping more for profit sake then friendship. His learning jumps just with, or falls sometimes short of an Atturnies ; being onely able to repeate the afore-said forme to thousand purposes : So all his mystery indeed is nothing to encrease his Art, but his Policy, or plaine knavery : And that, being served in, to the worlds banquet, represents a / p.221 / large Foxes head, and a little Sheep-skinne in divers dishes. It is the totall of his Creed, that nothing should be justified, or called lawfull, which hath not hand and Seale : that makes him exercise Hand and Seale, as the warrant for devises of his head and Soule. He never rayses the spirit of a Prodigall by charmes, but he together rayses the spirit of mammon a Citizen ; and then this potent conjurer bindes them both fast in a Quadrangle. Hee will seeme to know the Statute and common Law ; but commonly the construction failes him (for he lookes to his owne advantage) except the law hath practised upon his hearing, to teach the comment when he mistakes the Law. Having at length beene a long Auditor to the sweet lecture of Usury, hee loves the matter so well, that he becomes proficient, graduate, and professour in the Science : but after generall profession he approaches quickely to his center (from whence he sprung) Nothing.
A wrangling Welch Client
IS a good Journey-man, if not a good Foot-man : He is the onely friend of Lawyers (if they be Welch begotten) and still sollicites them for a Judgement. But we may credibly thinke he will entertaine English Lawyers likewise ; for he makes the contention of Wales exceed the wranglings of Norfolke already. His valour is, that he can by no meanes / p.222 / carry coales ; and is ever therefore fittest for an action of the case. When hee expresseth (as oftentimes hee doth) bountie to out brave his adversary before his Counsell, then doth he rather and indeed expresse a spightfull arrogance ; manifesting that he beleeves himselfe to be a kins-man of Cadwallader, though he derives his pedegree from the dust of ninetynine generations : and he thinkes himselfe ennobled by the conceit of Owen Tudor as much as if they had beene brothers children. When hee visits offices he will drawe such a number of purses (if his adversary be present) that you may thinke he hath cutt or found a douzen in or betwixt Wales and Westminster. His pride lies wrapt up in a clout betweene his legges, or in a pocket in the Armehole : from thence hee drawes his Angels to feed his Lawyer, though himselfe sleepe supperlesse. (Howsoever) hee is content to be his owne Cooke ; and though his dyet be slender, yet his money and victuals lie within a clowtes thicknesse : which might excuse him from a beggerly want of food, but rather detects him of a beggarly pride. It is impossible he should eate much : for the least provocation makes him so froward ; that you may verily thinke hee hath eaten her belly full of Wasps and Salamanders, every houre in the day. But he saves many meales in cheesemongers shops ; by tasting often : and when he hath disliked all, hee contents himselfe with a parcel of two peniworth at the Chandelors. He makes the Tearme his time of Pilgrimage, and Offices at Law, the Shrine where hee offers up his devotion : Which (after he hath ended his voyage) amounts to voluntary pennance ; for he travailes bare-foote. Though he bee long in travaile and tarries late / p. 223 / yet nothing can be recovered by default of apparance : for inundations be his perpetuall affidavit : and he sweares Severne was overflowed with a witnes ; when all the country about complained of drynes. The profit which he gives to English Lawyers, he gives generally to the Lawes profession : that proceeds from his language, which to the credit of Innes of Court, and Lawe French, he utters harshly, with great amazement of beholders. His body is so proportioned to his minde, and his clothes to his body, that you connot finde a fitter modele of envy in the most beautifull worke of Spencer : For as envy pines away her carcasse when another thrives, so cannot she be cloathed better then (as a Welch Clyent is) with spoiles of innocence ; Frise ; or cotton. The best thing about him worth commendation is, that he cannot long dissemble his cariage and malice ; for he goes without a cloake continually. A peece of Parchment and a Seale throughly paid for, satisfies him presently instead of judgement : but otherwise he spends his faith upon the hope of costs : And if he dies before execution, he scarce hopes to be saved.
Many of the nation were offended lately with this Character, which nothing doth concerne them ; if they had saved their fury, they might have beene thought wisermen.
/ p.224 /
A plaine Country Bridegroome
IS the finest fellow in the Parish ; and hee that misinterprets my definition, deserves no Rosemary nor Rosewater : He never was maister of a feast before ; that makes him hazard much new complement : But if his owne Maister bee absent, the Feast is full of displeasure ; except in his latter dayes he grew rebellious. He shewes neere affinity betwixt mariage and hanging : and to that purpose, he provides a great Nosegay, and shakes hands with every one he meets, as if he were now preparing for a condemned mans voyage. Although he points out his bravery with ribbands, yet he hath no vaine-glory ; for he contemnes fine cloathes with dropping pottage in his bosome. The invitation of guests, provision of meate, getting of children, and his nuptiall garments, have kept his braine long in travaile ; if they were not arguments of his wooing Oratory. He invites by rule within distance, where he hopes to prevaile ; not without some paraphrase upon his meaning. But (howsoever) he seemes generous : for nothing troubles him, or takes away his stomacke more, then default of company : yet in his provision he had rather take away your stomacke then fill your belly. As for his children, if he begets above three, he may beget for Gods sake to store the Parish. And yet his rayment (for the time) must shew much varietie. The Taylor likewise must be a vexation to him, or his cloathes / p.225 / would never sit hansomely : But (above all) a bridle in his mouth would serve better then a Pickadell ; for if you restraine him from his objects, and the engine of his necke, you put him into the Pillory. He hath long forecast with his Sweet-hart in some odde corner of the milke-house, how he may goe the sparingest way to worke when he marryes : and he hath only that meanes to make her beleeve he is a frugall good husband : but though he meditates a twelve month, he cannot finde wisedome to spare halfe a yard, in the length, of his faire troublesome cloake. He must savour of gallantry a little ; though he perfume the Table with Rosecake ; or appropriate Bone-lace, and Coventry-blew. He hath Heraldy enough to place every man by his Armes : But his qualitie smels rancke with running up and downe to give a heartily welcome : Blame him not though he prove preposterous : for his inclination was perhaps alwayes good, but his behaviour now begins : which is notwithstanding (he thinkes) well discharged if when he dances, the heeles of his shooes play the Galliard.
A plaine countrey Bride
IS the beginning of the world : or an old booke with a new Title : A quarters wages before hand and the title of a Countrey Dame be the two Adamants of her affection. Shee / p.226 / rises with a purpose to be extreamely sober : this begets silence, which gives her a repletion of aire without ventage : and that takes away her appetite. Shee seemes therfore commendably sober unto all : but she drives the Parson out of Patience with her modestie, unlesse he have interest, or be invited : She inclines to statelinesse, though ignorant of the meaning : Her interpretor, taster, carver, and Sewer, be therfore accidentall : and yet without these, she were an Image to the assembly : all the good ornaments that she hath to grace her when she is married ; be the severall tunes of ballades and songs besides halfe a douzen tales and proverbs, with as many tales and riddles ; and guilt rases of ginger Rosemary and Ribbands be her best magnificence. She wil therfore bestow a Livery, though she receives back wages : behaviour sticks to her like a disease : necessitie brings it, neither can shee take pleasure in the custome : and therfore importunacie with repetition, enforce her to dumbe signes : otherwise you must not expect an answere. She is a curteous creature : nothing proceedes from her without a curtesie. When the wedding dinner is ended, she hath a liberty from that day forward, to talke of weaning Calves and fatting poultrie among the housewives to her lifes end. She hath no rarity worth observance, if her gloves be not miraculous and singular : Those bee the trophy of some forlorne sutor, who contents himselfe with a large offering, or this glorious sentence, that she should have bin his bed-fellow. Her best commendation is to be kist often : this onely proceeds from her without interruption. She may to some seeme very raw in carriage : but this becomes noted through the feare of / p.227 / disclosing it. She takes it by tradition from her fellow Gossips, that she must weepe showres upon her marriage day : though by the vertue of mustard and onions, if shee cannot naturally dissemble : but good simplicity hath not taught her the Courte-invention, to squeake loude enough on her marriage night likewise : So Shee hath little or nothing to confirme her honesty : besides that which plaine innocency affords. Now like a quiet creature she wishes to loose her Garters quickly, that she may loose her maiden-head likewise. And now she is layd.
IS a Magicke glasse : In which you may discerne vanities of the world, her selfe, and other women. She is a most intricate female text ; and though her workes bee common, yet you may longer and with lesse perfection study her meaning then the common law : For she is ready to give a new, before you have learned the olde lesson. Shee hath a multitude of servants and suffers all to bee before hand in their wages that they may still continue serviceable. She may be truely said a fayre one ; for like some Faire of a dayes length her beautie spreads at morning and vanishes at night. The truth is I first began to looke uppon her, because shee said shee loved a Poet well, and was in part a Poetresse ; / p.228 / for which good quality I might have loved her likewise but she was onely good at long Hexameters, or a long and a short even for varietie-sake ; which came so full uppon Ovids amorous veine, that I despised her meaning. You may well trust her that she will prove fruitfull : for she is a vessell made for burthen ; and is therefore light in cariage : her affection toward sweete meates have made her like a sugar chest apt to take fire. She had her education under a great Countes ; and if she could leave the Courtship shee learnt when she was a waiter, she might quickly prove a reasonable good woman. Her body is (I presume) of Gods making : and yet I cannot tell, for many parts therof she made her selfe. Her head is in effect, her whole body and attire : for from thence, and the devises there ingendred, proceedes her blushing modesty, her innocent white teeth, her gawdy gownes, her powdred hayre, her yellow bands, her farthingales, and false Diamonds. All these together, and a quicke fansie commend her function : for Fidlers and Painters bee full of Crotchets. Shee is well acquainted with games, and is so farre confident they be lawfull, that shee makes no more conscience to couzzen you, then to handle a paire of Cards. She is alway loose-bodied ; conserve of sloes cannot binde her. You need not make the question whether she can sing ; for visitation will teach you, that she can scarce leave singing. And as for dauncing, she wil aske the question of you. She hath the trick of Courtship not to bee spoken with : to take Phisicke, and to let her mountebancke bee the best ingredient. She hath at idle houres handled Phisicke points her selfe : and if any man adventures / p.229 / on her receipts, hee will hardly scape a scowring. She is better then Greshams Almanacke to foretell seasons : When she complaines of head-ach, it signifies faire weather : for then she is meditating to deceive some honest Gull : and when she complaines downewards, of the winde collicke, it signifies an uncleane season, suspecting that a fresh suiter hath or may bee ill informed of her conditions, she will protest before-hand that she was once troubled with a sixe moneths timpany. Her wit is Dainty because seldome : and whatsoever is wanting in the present delicacie of conceit, she makes good by rehersal of stolne witty answers, even to the seaventh edition. She purposes to travell shortly : But her meaning is to returne with some French commodity ; and she will rather fetch it, though she may be furnished at home, because shee loves the cheapest ware, and the outlandish fashion. She doth ambitiously bragge of the respect shee found among my Lords followers ; and (so hoping to perswade by credit of her education) shee gives any man a gentle warning to refuse her. Her generosity extends thus farre ; to bestow love, and looke for neither thankes nor requitall : because a Marmoset and little Dog are ignorant of both. These excepted, she never loved truly. Her morall vertues be a subtill thrift, and a thriving simplicity. But whilst she makes the best construction of a matter, she would make likewise a thousand pound Joyncture of her behaviour only, and Court-cariage. This bargaine is open for any man, who thinkes not the peny-worth doubtfull. And yet I must confesse freely she hath more goodnes about her little finger, then I have about my whole body : I meane / p.230 / her Diamond. Her best Religion is to teach a Parret the Lords prayer ; but the ten Commandements be a new matter : so that Petitions be more plausible with her, then Instructions at her owne request ; therefore I give this to her looking-glasse.
IS a windie Instrument ; a paire of bellowes, or indeed two : for without her fellow, she is nothing. These labour joyntly as at an Alchymists furnace, onely to beget vapours : she receives and sends backe breath with advantage ; that is, her function. Her end is to kindle ; That is, to warme, or burne : she can do both. And being quiet, or not in contention, she is without her calling ; that is, her company. Her knowledge is her speech ; the motive, her tongue ; and the reason her tongue also : but the subject of her conference is the neighbours wife, and her husband ; or the neighbours wife and husband both. The modesty that I could ever observe in her dealing, is thus much only : she must be twise intreated among strangers, before she takes downe a whole glasse. She is the mirth of marriages, and publicke meetings : but her naturall season comes in with a minced pye. at Christmas : when all may attend with leasure. She carries her bladder in her braine ; that, is full ; her braine in / p.231 / her tongues end ; that she empties : It was washed downe thither with pintes of Muscadine ; and being there, she looses it like urine, to ease her kidneyes : which would otherwise melt with anger, if she might not speake freely. Being once a servant, she then learnt to runne, or goe apace ; that shee might tarry and take, or give intelligence by the way. She æmulates a Lawyer in riding the circuite, and therefore she keepes a circuit, in, or out of her owne liberties : striving to be both one of the Judges, Jury and false witnesses : for she loves, to be universall. She contemplates within, that she may practise abroad, and then she spewes up secrets as if they were mixed with stibium : her reasons be colour ; that she dawbes on every Fable : Her truth is, to make truths and tales convertibles : tales be her substance, her conceit, her vengeance, reconcilements, and discourse. Not one woman in the parish shall commonly be accounted honest without her licence : which must be purchased by consenting to her motions. She makes every new inhabitant pay the tribute of an invitation, before she speakes well of him, or calls him neighbor. And by the vertue of a speciall mouth-glew, she cleaves readily to all acquaintance. To talke of Cookerie, or cleanlinesse, and to taxe others, is her best and onely commendation. Her lungs be everlasting : she cannot be shortwinded : if those would perish, she might be recovered. She is alike dangerous with the Poxe, to the towne where she inhabites : and being pledged, or admitted among the females she infects more easily. If she railes against whoredome, it savours not of devotion ; for she is onely married, to escape the like / p.232 / scandall ; from the doore outward. She is more fugitive then a swallow : there is no hold to be taken of her in her owne house : A venison Pasty will drawe her all over the parish : nay her nostrill is so quicke, that she will discover it though it be Mutton, within a miles compasse ; and vexe all the neighbors with her impudence if she be not invited. The buriall of a second husband gives her the title of experience ; but when she hath out-lived three, she takes authority and experience both (as a Souldier that hath passed the pikes of three set battailes) for granted. Her commendable antiquitie reaches not above fiftie ; for growing old, she growes odious to her selfe first : And to prevent the losse of company ; (having lived vainly) she commences hostesse : that alone preserves her humour. A mungrill print would best expresse her Character ; for she is indeed a mungrel woman, or the worst part of both sexes, bound up in one volume : seeing she corrupts the best by the use of them.
An old Woman
IS one that hath seene the day : and is commonly ten yeares younger, or ten years elder by her owne confession, then the people know she is : if she desires to be youthfull accounted, you may call her Mistres, widow, or the like : / p.233 / but otherwise old mother, Grandam, and such names that seale antiquitie : the first she takes well, if childlesse : the last never well, but when shee can speake wonders to grandchildren of the third generation. If they please her, she hath old harry soveraignes, that saw no sunne in fiftie yeares, to give away on her death bed. If shee bee not toothlesse, her teeth eate more then they chaw : for I presume they are hollow. She loves the upper end of the table, and professes much skill in Cookery : shee thinkes it also some felicitie to give attendance about sick persons : but is the common foe to all Physitians. In agues, aches, cough, and tissickes, she confidently will undertake to cure by prescription : if her selfe bee untainted. As for diseases which shee knowes not, she dares proceed to Dragon-water, Holy-thistles, Wormewood drinkes, and Clisters, without the helpe of Galen, or Hyppocrates : if she blushes at the Sunne rising, her colour changes not till bed time : and some times though she drinkes down her break-fast, by dinner time her teeth be grown, and she will seeme to chew the cud. Shee lusts abundantly toward young women, that shee may talke as dame regent ; or fall into discourse of childbirth and midwives. She may as safely walke amongst contagious Leapers, as into the kitchin ; and smels infection, or perfume with the same nostrill. She hath perpetually the pride of being too cleanlie or the adherent vice of being too sluttish. She affects behaviour in the brood of youth, and will divulge her secrets of superstition to any that will be attentive. She hath with many complaints of Aches in her hippes bought an Almanack to know change of weather. Envy / p.234 / is to her an inseparable twinne, and though it be offensive commonly to few, yet doth it oftentimes consume her selfe, and starve away her memory.
IS the Devils Hostesse : hee takes house-roome and diet of her ; and yet shee payes the reckoning : guilty thoughts and a particular malice to some one person makes her conceive a detestation of all : her policy of sequestration, to avoide jealousie of neighbours, detects her envious spirit : for the melancholy darknes of her low cottage, is a mayne conjecture of infernals : her name alone (being once mounted) makes discourse enough for the whole parish : if not for all hamlets within six miles of the market. She receives wages in her owne coyne : for she becomes as well the object of every mans malice, as the fountaine of malice towards every man. The torments therefore of hot Iron, and mercilesse scratching nayles, be long thought uppon, and much threatned (by the females) before attempted. Meane time she tolerates defiance thorough the wrathfull spittle of matrons, in stead of fuell, or maintenance to her damnable intentions : shee is therfore the ignorant cause of many Witches besides her selfe : for ceremonious avoidance brings the true title to many, although they hartily scorne the name / p.235 / of Witches. Her actions may well seeme to betray her high birth and pedegree : for shee doth quickly apprehend a wrong before it bee mentioned : and (like a great family) takes no satisfaction which doth not infinitely countervaile the abuse ; children therefore cannot smile upon her without the hazard of a perpetuall wry mouth : a very Noble-mans request may be denied more safely then her petitions for butter-milke and small Beere : and a great Ladies, or Queenes name may be lesse doubtfully derided. Her prayers and Amen, be a charm and a curse : her contemplations and soules delight bee other mens mischiefe : her portion and sutors be her soule, and a succubus : her highest adorations bee Yew trees, dampish Church-yards, and a fayre Moone-light : her best preservatives be odde numbers, and mightie Tetragramaton : these provocations to her lust with devills, breedes her contempt of man ; whilst she (like one sprung from the Antipodes) enjoyes her best noone about midnight : and to make the comparison holde, is trodden under foote by a publicke and generall hatred ; shee is nothing, if not a Pythagorean ; for she maintaines the transmigration of spirits : these doe uphold the market of bargaine and sale among them ; which affoords all sorts of cattell at a cheaper rate then Bankes his horse, and better instructed but (like a prodigall) she is outreached, by thinking earnest is a payment ; because the day is protracted. Her affections be besotted in affection of her science ; She would not else delight in Toades, Mice, or spinning Cats without deversity : it is probable she was begotten by some Mounte-banke, or Wording Poet, for she consists of as many fearefull sounds without science, and / p.236 / utters them to as many delusive purposes : She is a cunning statuary : and frames many idols, these she doth worship no otherwise then with greedy scorne : and yet she is a deepe Idolater. Implication is enough with her ; to bespeake any mans picture, without his entreaty : for if it appeares that he can provoke her, it implyes likewise that he desires to be remembred by her : and Images be a certaine memoriall. Shee seldome lives long enough to attaine the Mysterie of Oyntments, herbs, charmes, or incantations perfectly : for age is most incident to this corruption, and destiny prevents her. But howsoever shee bee past childebearing, yet shee gives sucke till the latest minute of fivescore and upwards. If shee out lives hempe : a wooden halter is strong enough : unlesse she saves a labour. But God forbid that age, simplicity, and froward accusations should be a Witches tryall.
IS the scab of a common-wealth : surfeits raise him to a blister ; necessity, and want of good Surgeons, make him a mattery sore ; whilst time and Tobacco brings him to be a dry scale. He is commonly the upshot of a yonger brother, who lackes Honestie and Inheritance ; or the remainder of a Prodigall, who hath lost them and himselfe. His Etymologie is Pawne-dare : which intimates, hee dares pawne his soule to / p.237 / damnation ; or his stolne parcels to the Brokers. Or you may call Pandar, quasi pinne the dore. Bawdy songs and he came both in together, for he is no generous companion except he can sing, and also compose stinking ditties. He hath beene a great hunter up and downe in his daies, and therefore (it is no wonder) if towards a decay he become Warrener. Arts he studies not ; neither wishes any but Rhetoricke to catch maiden-heads. He is the devils Countryman or indeed acquaintance : therefore in the devils absence hee proves his Deputie ; and welcomes customers with fireworkes : a pipe of Tobacco, and a hot Queane. He is a corrupted lingust : for he hath made bawdy the derivation of body. His Usher-like attendance on Publike whores hath made Coaches frequent : to distinguish them and Private Ones. His valour is expressed in blacke patches (much about roaring Boyes humour) but playsters, which expresse him more ventrous, hee conceales. He wishes to be the first teacher of a Novice : and (being so admitted his Tutor) hee first teaches him to beware of adultery and theft, by bringing him into danger of both, before he deserves it. And with those two vices he doth first accuse him, because himselfe is best acquainted with those two. He may truely boast if he returnes from warre, that hee returnes wounded to the bones ; for he was wounded so before he went. If he be married, hee hath divorced himselfe, because his wife was honest, and so means to continue : or (being dishonest) because she was odiously deformed, not worthy to entice others. In the vacation time he teaches his whores the knowledge of false Dice and cheating, by way of recreation ; / p.238 / or he travailes to get money with his Monsters at Sturbridge faire. His Creed is a matter of three Articles, and them he beleeves actually : First, that there is no God : secondly, that all women, and more especially that all Citizens wives, bee, or would bee, common, or peculiar whores : and lastly, that all things are lawfull, which can escape the Lawes danger : good examples therefore prevaile with him, as showers among the stones : they make him more slipperie and studious to deceive the people : For the more people be seasoned with good examples, the more ready he is to intrappe them ; not to imitate. His Fellowships be retired, and within dores : for being abroad, he is a sober lumpe of villany ; delighting unsociably (like a Cut-purse, and for the same reason) rather in multitudes then civill numbers. The Bawd and Hee, are chiefe confederats : with whom together, (as occasion happens) the Constable hath standing wages to be an assistant : every way as dangerous as the other two. Bowling allies, dicing-howses, and Tobacco-shops, be the Temples, which he and his fraternitie of Roarers, have erected to Mercury and Fortune : In the two first, he doth acknowledge their Deity : in the last he offers smoaking incense to them both, in recompence of booty gotten by Chance and cheating. If the Gallowes be disappointed of his desteny ; they can blame nothing but his tender bones, which could not brooke so long a journey ; or a whores quarell, whilst Wine was his Leader.
Honest men are afraid of him, and knaves and whores bee suspicious of him ; for he is an evill spirit : hee was / p.239 / never generally commended but when hee went to hanging ; then hee was commended (doubtlesse) for a propper man : for every fellow with an entire doublet is called propper man when hee rides to Tiburne.
IS one of the waightiest sillables (God excepted) that English or any Language doth afford. He is neerer to me then marriage, or naturall kindred of the same bloud ; because love without kindred or ceremony, is more to be admired ; and by the consequent more precious. Marriage and Kindred goes oftentimes no further then the Name or Body : but friendship is annexed with unanimity. My Friend therfore is either disposed (as I am) well : or well disposed to make me better. His multitude of acquaintance doth not extenuate his love, nor devide his affection. His lower fortunes be not distasted, not dissembled, nor swolne bigger then they bee. He must not be imployed in trifles and continually, like a servant ; nor with expectation, like a Sonne : For an absolute Friend will finish (when importance calles) before he can be requested. He therefore among all, confutes the saying of Wares proffer'd : For what a Friend gives freely, (either to prevent request, or to supply a modest silence) inchants the party. Hee is much dearer, then my / p.240 / legges and armes, for he is my body and my soule together. His honour is true love : which being so, hee loves because he will not, and not because he cannot alter : That man cannot alter, who cannot with honesty disclaime affection ; as being tyed with dotage or favours above merrit and requitall : But friends will not : which signifies that their love depends upon approbation of the naked man. A Friend therfore must be freely chosen not painfully created : for jealousies and feares intrude when favours be not mutuall ; if favours bee the first beginning. He is manifest to me, whilst invisible to the world : and is indeed much about the making of this Character ; little in worth and little pleasing at the first sight. Hee is able and willing, to councell, to perform. A second meeting thinkes him fitt ; A second tryall knowes him a fit Friend. The meere imagination of a friends love is an inchanted armor : my heart is impenetrable whilst I weare the comfort : for whether I survive or dye, my Friend pre-serves me. Time nor anger can dissolve his amity : for either he submits and I pardon, or I submit and he pardons. Hee is like a true Christian, that undertakes and suffers for Christs sake as a freind for his freinds sake with equall joy, both credit and discredit, rest and travaile. Being once had, a freind is full enough, and true a needles epithite : for I am his, he mine : and being so, we are one to another the best or no freinds. It is foolish Paganisme to worship the suns rising, which doth regard all alike with his Idolaters : and it is crazy dotage for any to honour that freind, who prostitutes his favour to the worlds liking. A perfect freind, thinkes freindship his felicity : without which / p.241 / estimation, the neerest freindship, is but a sociable custome : for man hath never made an action perfect, unlesse he drew felicitie from his actions nature.
A sicke Machiavell Pollititian
IS a baked meate for the devill ; and a dinner of dainties for Phisitians : the villany which makes him fit for the devils banquet, is close and private : but his bountie to prevaile with phisicke is prodigall. He is in securitie a contingent Gull ; in death a possible confusion : for sicknes lookes for him, before he looked for it ; unlesse he poysons himselfe : therefore he is taken unprovided ; so, proves a gull : And upon deaths approach, he feeles a tumult within himselfe because he looked no sooner. He thinkes upon his lifes proceedings, either with careles Infidelitie, or sorrow to be interrupted : and he findes no shifting pollicy to answere his lowd conscience, but only this, ars deluditur arte : meaning that it was lawfull for him to cousen the world, which otherwise would have cousened him. Religious I cannot call him ; sacer I may call him justly : for hee among the Romans was entitled sacer, who by the people was generally condemned ; and such is the generall fortune of a Pollitician, when he growes sicke and toward a conclusion. In health he was like the Nimph Echo mentioned in Ovids Fables : for / p.242 / he was alway deeply in love with his owne pollicy ; but pollicie despising to be his safegard against sicknes, he turnes (as Echo did) into noyse : for none is spoken of, so much as a Pollitician neere his death. It is delivered, that the Romans chose no Senatour till he had worne his age by likelyhood past the meaning and sence of pleasure : Destiny hath taken the same order with a Pollitician : For he is never admitted to his infernal dignity, till he grows decrepit ; and almost weary of himselfe. But I admire how poyson should molest him : because he and poyson have bene the most assured friends and familiars. The faculties of his soule are much indebted to the devill : for he hath borrowed many darke inventions from his patterne : and therefore like a Bankrout he dares not walke abroad out of his body ; least he should be arrested by the devils officers. He may be truly likend to the covetous man ; who scornes to be accounted poore, and is unwilling to be accounted rich : A Pollititian likewise will not, in sicknes nor in health seeme careles of religion, as if he wanted piety ; nor scrupulous in conversation, as if he dealt only with Puritans. When he was lusty and in perfect health, his agents were like the Tinkers dog, which carries his maisters budget and knowes no meaning of the tooles : but when he falls sicke he makes every messenger know his griefe. As Cleomines interpreted the fire which brake from Junoes Image, so may we interpret a Pollititians sicknes : If it proceeds from his heads devises, as when he counterfeits to worke some subtlety, then we may looke that he will prevaile and recover : but when his paines proceed really from the heart, we may then imagine that he / p.243 / can goe no farther. He makes me think of many Gamesters ; who play cunningly while they can loose little ; but when they hazard a round purchase, they prove arrant bunglers : and so the Pollitician is a most accurate gamester whilst hee doth only hazard some reparable fortune, but now he ventures the maine happines, life, he quailes and growes faint-hearted. In health he presumes to be so much a man, that he will governe monarchyes and men : but being (as I have superscribed him) Sicke, he shewes himselfe a little childe, which cryes most when it is undressing, and made ready for the Cradle. His pollicyes were of a fine thrid, quicke and lively : sicknes therefore lumpish, agrees worse with him, then durty weather and silke stockings. You may perceive when honest men dissemble, easily : for they will seeme distracted and will stammer in conference : because they feele their meaning and their speech divided ; which pulls them two contrary wayes at once : But a curious Politician dissembles more intricately : because he will not listen to his hearts meaning, when he shadowes hate or piety with appearance : and therfore we are much beholding to his extreame sicknesse : for then hee is so farre from coulouring his anguish, that he discovers many more faintings then he needs. Death and sicknes makes him differ from a vegetable : For as a vegetable consists of Salt, Sulphur and Mercury ; so likewise a Politician excells in three like properties : Wit, Sudden execution, and Envy : but this makes the difference : A vegetable yeelds the qualities, when it selfe perishes : A Politician, when he is best in health. No marvell though he be daunted when hee remembers the next world, though in a / p.244 / staggering beleefe : for by the warrant of potions, gloves, sallets, privy stabbs, and false accusers, he hath sent so many thither before him, that hee may justly feare they will sue an appeale against him. Sicknes and importunacy to recover health layes him open to a double mischief ; Death and Dishonor of manhood : For he that craves helpe where helpe cannot be afforded, suffers a double griefe ; want and dispaire : as hee that walkes under a narrowe pent-house to shield himselfe from raine, feeles a double shower ; droppings from heaven, and evesdropps. A Politician holds that opinion of advancement which the Roman South-sayers held of the North-side : he thinkes it fortunate because it is above the vulgar : and therefore is he most unwilling to decline, because death makes æquality. Howsoever it is unto him a greater sorrow to meditate the way of death, then to be dead ; for being dead he looks for no disquiet. But after death his name growes old with being odious, like that infortunate Valerian, whose age was long, but tædious and disgracefull.
IS an abridgement of greater charges, sprung from the destruction of hospitality and surloignes. He had neede be well garded : for he is too little to defend himselfe : and yet / p.245 / hee hath proved himselfe a tall champion ; for he and a footeman have driven away many valiant Bucklers, and Blew-coates. When hee serves a Master, it may be the title of his function to bee squire of the body, for he waites neere about his person, and carries his weapons : being little hee is my Ladies Jewell : therefore shee thinkes him pretious ; and finds no faulte with him but because he lacks weight : which is often times the weake reason why my Lady lives honest. Though hee bee little, hee hath a reasonable soule : but I can see little difference betwixt him and a Mounkey : they both serve to passe away time ; and almost in the same manner : being either to be whipped or handled, or to be looked upon. It seemes to me that his parents doubted of his long life ; and therefore they take a course betimes that hee may know the world before hee dies, and learn experience while he lives : for before he grows to a yards length, he hath wickednesse enough taught him, to damne a thrise bigger body without originall sinne. He and a wench differ most in apparel. He hath power to entise : for hee takes by gift a lease for yeers of Cupids diety : which hath continuance no longer then he is under growth. Among all of what condition and degree soever, he will be drunke most early and betimes in the morning : for he learnes to stagger at twelve and to bee dead drunke at fifteene : which is, to be drunke almost by five a clock in the morning : for fifteene yeeres of age, is three quarters past foure ; reckoning foure yeeres to an houre from the nativity. Hee belongs most commonly to the man ; but hee is the womans play-fellow. Hee is much about the bignesse of Hercules his foote ; the impression / p.246 / whereof (according to Herodotus) amounted to two cubits length : But whereas the same author saith that the great region of Exampel afforded little worth noting besides Hercules, his foote, I may protest it afforded nothing in comparison of a Page : for that being a region of two thousand miles compas, had onely an impression of two cubits : but a Page in the little compasse of two Cubits, hath a whole worlde of Roguery : which hee may perhappes justifie according to his Oath because he cannot well discerne that his oath is better broken then kept : and so does nothing against his conscience. He smells after the waighting-gentlewoman, as Fancy my Ladies dog, after the great Spaniell-bitch : he proffers fayre, but can doe little to the purpose. Hee speakes Bawdy freely as if it were his mother tongue : but he cannot bee so bad as his word. And thus by meere chaunce with a little dash I have drawne the picture of a Pigmey.
I thinke it the most unprofitable, inhumane, and wretched basenesse, to multiply the least affliction ; much more to triumph in a great mans sorrow : if therfore thou didst expect some sawcynesse, like to the late elegies, under this title, repent thy folly before thou makest it knowne.
/ p.247 /
An honest Shepheard
IS a man that well verifies the Latine peece, qui bene latuit bene vixit : hee lives well that lives retired : for hee is alwayes thought the most innocent because hee is least publicke : and certainely I cannot well resolve you whether his sheepe or hee be more innocent. Give him fatte Lambes, and faire weather and he knowes no happines beyond them. He shewes most fitly among all professions, that nature is contented with a little for the sweete fountaine is his fayrest alehouse ; the sunnybanke his best chamber. Adam had never lesse need of neighbors freindship ; nor was at any time troubled with neighbors envy lesse then hee : The next groave or thicket will defend him from a shower : and if they be not so favourable, his homely pallace is not farre distant. He proves quietnes to be best contentment, and that there is no quietnes like a certaine rest. His flock affords him his whole rayment, outside and linings, cloath and leather : and in stead of much costly linnen, his little garden yeelds hemp enough to make his lockrum shirts : which doe preserve his body sweetend against court-itch and poxes, as a seare-cloath sweetens carcasses. Hee gives the just Epitome of a contented man : for he is neither daunted with lightning and thunder, nor over joyed with spring-time and harvest. His daily life is a delightfull worke, whatsoever the worke be ; whether to mend his garments, cure a diseased sheep, instruct / p.248 / his Dogge, or change pastures : and these be pleasant actions, because voluntary, patient, not interrupted. He comprehends the true patterne of a moderate wise man : for as a shepheard so a moderate man hath the supremacy over his thoughts and passions : neither hath he any affection of so wilde a nature, but he can bring it into good order, with an easie whistle. The worst temptation of his idlenesse teaches him no further mischiefe, then to love entirely some nut-brown milke-maid, or hunt the squirrell, or make his Cosset wanton. Hee may turne many rare esteemed Phisitians into shame and blushing : for whereas they with infinite compounds and fayre promises, doe carry men to death, the furthest way about ; he with a few simples preserves himselfe and familie, to the most lengthned sufferance of nature. Tarre and Honey be his mithridates and syrups ; the which together with a Christmas Caroll, defend his desolate life from cares and melancholy. With little knowledge and a simple faith, he purifies his honest soule, in the same manner as he can wash his body in an obscure fountaine, better then in the wide Ocean. When hee seemes lazy and void of action, I dare approve his harmles negligence, rather then many approved mens diligence. Breifely he is the perfect allegory of a most blessed governor : And he that wil pursue the tropes invention, may make this Character a volume.
/ p.249 /
A Taylors man
IS a Conjunction copulative : He makes things hang together ; and when his master seperates, he reconciles. A man would thinke he might bee trusted ; for hee goes thorough stitch with businesse. He sits brooding like a Goose upon the shop boord, and hatches parcells out of peeces. He will be any mans sumpter-horse, between six and eight in the morning : and hee lookes for twelve pence, or a tester to bring men acquainted with their owne cloathes. He loves bread by custome ; for it is a part of his trade to bee a binder. Hee thinkes it no sinne to second his Maister : and therfore when his maister hath done stealing, hee begins. He doth or may resolve by vertue of his Indentures to feele a two-folde itch, though his indenture specifies faire usage and cleane linnen : And he holds it lawfull to shrugg upon the shop-boord, but rather then hee will wriggle before Gentlemen, he dares be bitten to the marrow. The Basilisk and Eagle cannot match his eye-sight ; for hee can looke through buffe, or three-piled velvet, but with his needles eye. Hee will stoope to your very breeches to doe you good, though you disgrace him utterly. He carryes alwaies about him the picture of Horaces crow : but hee perceives no such matter : he weares his apparel by leave of the peoples ignorance : for if every customer could challenge his owne remnant, hee would be stript naked. He needs not use the Corn cutter ; / p.250 / for the slip-shoe favours him. Call his theft in question, and hee condemnes himselfe : for he pleads auncient custome ; whereas Antiquity punish'd close theevery of that kinde, with a double payne. Hee hath little or nothing to plead christianity and courage, but sitting crosse-leg'd : Which property makes him reverence the Knight Templars, and thinke that his profession hath beene of the same order. Hee hath no more courage then will serve to commend his owne workman-ship : And you may know as well when a Blackamore is dead, as when hee dissembles by the countenance. He deceives freely, with small discredit, and lesse shame ; as some Phisitians that bee Noble-mens Panders : It is incident to the profession, and past finding out. Hee neede not wonder why the Lowse should trouble his, more then other Trades : for his garments have more seames then two or three sutes together. Or you may think it reason, that he should be bitten outwardly with Lice, because hee scornes to be bitten inwardly with Conscience. Little familiarity serves to make him (as likewise all clownish Trades-men) your æquall, without the Heralds pitty. Tearing off his apparell, is the least wrong you can offer him : for hee hath his mends in his own hand. He can shew nothing to prove himselfe worth the name of Man ; but his denomination of a Taylors man : Which argues most against him ; and proves him to bee a Cowards coward : For being a Servant, hee must feare his Maister, who feares all men of spirit. A paire of sheeres and a pressing Iron, are his cheife goods and purchase. You may sooner make his thimble holde water, without stopping, then his fancy keepe one fashion. Breifly / p.251 / he consists of shreds and remnants ; yet oftentimes there goes but a paire of sheeres betwixt him and a Gentleman : For many Gentlemen consist of out-side, in which the Taylors man takes part.
IS, when he playes well, a delight only for them who have their hearing : but is, when he playes ill, a delight only for them who have not their hearing ; and is alwaies a trouble to himselfe, because he heares too much : his head is wider then his braine, by so much as a Carriers boot is wider then his leg ; much about halfe in halfe. Hee may best endure to fall groveling in a puddle : For it is part of his profession to be a scraper. He is like the Nomades, a wanderer from his child-hood : there is no certainty of his abiding : he cannot be bound prentise ; for journy-man-like hee travailes from place to place, seeking to be set on worke before he hath learnt his trade. Being suddenly entertained without agreement, he is suddenly turned out of dores, without giving offence. He doth enquire out Gentlemens names and lodgings as if he purposed to lye in waite for an arrest : and the truth proves little otherwise : For he doth arrest men by their ears though they have beene in the Pillory. He hath his morning, his mid-day, and his evening devotion : Wherein / p.252 / praying for others he findes his owne blessing. His company stand like the foremen of a Jury, to give in their verdict ; and he doth alwaies make two or three shillings be cast ; or as much as you please to give him. He is not worth a fiddle-sticke without nimble fingers ; and they be the surest good quality to make him suspected. Hope of imployment drives him up to London : and he thinkes that an unlucky day in terme, which is not a day of hearing. He bids God give your worship good morrow, in the most dolefull and scurvy fashion ; that his musicke may relish the better. A new song and a base-Viall makes him. He deceives with his commodity worse then a Tobacco-man : For he will utter Peg of Ramsey, and the Maske of Lincolnes Inne, both for one prise. It is not materiall how soundly, but how long he hath laid time asleepe : for that is indeed his faculty ; to be a temporall inchanter. He is a defended night-walker : and under priviledge of Musicke takes occasion to disquiet men, who had rather sleepe, then heare him. Disquiet is not all the danger he brings with him : for he can send his little spirit of Musick upon a ladder of Lute-strings, into your private chamber : and enforce you to picke your own pockets that he may depart contented. He disproves the rule in Logicke ; quod efficit tale magis est tale : The workman is more excellent then his worke : for he hath wit enough to tune his Viall though his wits are alwaies untunable. Fidlers may have the same conceit, which Scipio had among the Romans : the former Scipio increased Romes power : the last, Romes luxury : and Fidlers at first were instruments of the warres ; but now of ryot. Hee lookes more to be commended / p.253 / by the companies ignorance then his good Musicke, and more by their bounty then by their ignorance. His braines are (like the Mackerell) a drie meate ; and therefore they must be butterd with songs and ballads, or they bee worth nothing : the tunes warme his head, and keep it boyling : he doth apprehend tunes (as the Beadle apprehends beggars) when they be vagrant : that they may worke together in the bridewell of his noddle, to maintaine themselves and him. The tippets of his eare be noynted with an invisible Oyle of custome : which serves to catch tunes as birdlime catches flyes ; and, being taken, one catches another. He dares intrude by vertue of his profession, not of his vocation : For hee comes without calling but he will neither prove a delight nor trouble to any man against his will : and therefore he beginns thus ; Will it please you to have any Musicke ? If that Musicke rather please you, call for the Fiddler himselfe.
IS a husbandman ; belonging to that great Lordship of the world, a prison. Hee goes to cart commonly with us, in these quarters ; and sometimes to harrowes with a hurdle. Hee hath lawful reason to be lazy : for his harvest and seede time are at other mens appointment : malefactors are / p.254 / his graine ; which sowes itselfe in mischief ; while hee sleepes and dreames of no such matter : the sherife his landlord appointes the time of reaping : the ground about the gallowes is his garden plot : from whence he gathers, Hemp, Flax and woollen dressed ready to his hand. Upon that fruitful bowgh the gallowes, he doth ingraft his medlars : when he gathers them he contents himselfe only with parings : for knowing that their inwards be good for nothing til they be rotten, hee buries them in the ground, that they may ripen and wax mellow : but he cannot looke to enjoy them : for they be never fully ripe until the resurrection. The blood of Earles and Barons, are as a fruitfull rayne to him : for it betokens and begets his plenty. With saplesse worme-eaten trunkes of hereticks, he makes a bonefire ; to signifie Gods gratious deliverance of our king and kingdom, from the like danger : and when the peoples heads (like to the tops of trees) are over laden with sowre fruite, hee prunes their head-branches in the pillory. But when he pares away the top close to the trunke and body, it must be intended that the body and soule will flourish better within a while after. Vilaines turne hangmen, as Serpents turne Dragons : a serpent eats a serpent, before it is made a Dragon : and a villaine hangs a villaine before he may be called Hangman. He doth observe state in his action : for his place of presence is exceeding well hanged. The taylor cannot cousen him : his wardrobe affords choyse of garments. He resembles the government of a notable tyrant : he lookes to the bringing up of his favourites, and helpes to their bringing downe : he hath many dependant followers : for (as the proverb saith) hang- / p.255 / man leades the dance ; but he behaves himselfe towardes them like a cruell master : for when they have once shewed him a slippery trick, he puls their cloath over their eares, and turnes them out of service. Hee is one of the most dangerous ignorant people (except the Major and Aldermen) that keepes about corporations : there is no dealing with him under the prise of a broken joynt. You may well thinke his weapons are unmercyfull ; for his Hangers are a deadly torment. He can dispatch and Execute past amendment : but the meaning of advise he knows not : for who can tell mee of a hangman that gives counsell ? he was never so much in love with his trade as when the man preferd Tyburne before Burmuda : and I am halfe perswaded that if hee had but a balladmakers poetry, he would sooner make an Epitaph for that freind to the gallowes, then any prince in Christendom : till he turnes poet he may be thus furnished.
Here lies a wretch so loving to the rope,|
He chose it rather then Bermudas hope :
I blush to thinke the fellow heere remaines,
He was so worthy to be hangd in Chaynes.
/ p.256 /
THE presse hath, instead of pressing faults to death, begotten many faults in spight of all my diligence : It shall be therefore the weakest part of thy judgement (reader) to discerne the superfluity and defect of points, words, or letters. And for the few Latine quotations added in this last copie, it is left altogether to thy discretion, to thinke I meant to acknowledge every part of allusions : And to distinguish this from the learning which lyes, in mother-tongue translations : But beware of trusting the margents ; for they bee shamefully corrupted by the printers negligence. Turne over to the sixt impression of S. Thomas Overburyes wife ; and you may find the mad-Dogs foame specified in my title sheet.