A. D. 1649.
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A. D. 1649.
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FOR a Jew to wander it is no wonder, because they are a scattered Nation : But a wandring Christian is a wonder indeed, for true Christians are, or ought to be fixed Starres, Errantes Stellæ shine but dimly in Europes firmament, the other brightly ; To sollid Okes then, that stand up and never stirre, to Cedars whose heads knocke at the roofe of heaven, to the sacred trees on mount Libanon, whose branches reach to Paradice, to Rocks and Quarries whose roots cannot be pluckt up from their center, to Christians who are setled constant and resolute I write not, nothing have I to doe with them ; but because I am called the Wandring Jew, I walke up and downe to finde out wandring Christians, are there any such Christians ? No sure, (why then I write to no body.)
To wander, properly signifies, That the party (so walking) has gone right, but then stayes, as sheepe doe, leaping out / p.4 / of their fold ; If it be so ? then sure there be wandring Christians : but how many sorts of Wandring Christians are there, almost as many as there are men : For go no further then this kingdome, all that are called men, are not Christians, and all that are called Christians, are not men.
Wandring Christians there are then, yes : how many great men have in this land wandred from their Loyalty ? yet their heads met it in the end sleeping on a blocke, how many brave Souldiers have wandred from the true noble Discipline military, in staining the glory of their victories with the barbarous effusion of too much blood, where mercy cryed aloud to sheath their swords ; how many profound Schollers have been walking Candles, (not lighted) or if lighted, have put out their owne flames and gone away stinking ? how many deepe Lawyers have left the pathes of equitie to wander in the way of Bribes ? how many rich men at this houre wander in the crooked windings of Extortion ? how many (borne beggers) have by knavery, subtilty, basenesse, false weights, false measures, darke Lanthornes (false lights) wandred into wealth ? how many wisemen wander to the house of folly ? how many husbands wander from their wives beds ? how many wives from their husbands : and are not all these Christians ? yes: wandring Christians. Art thou a Courtier ? art thou a Souldier ? art thou a Merchant? art thou a Shop-keeper ? art thou a good man ? art thou a bad ? Reade what is written in the Jews face, and thou mayst prove a setled Christian, be what thou wilt : If thou desires to foresee what shall befall thee upon this Booke, if thou canst not finde the full weight of thy fortune yet in one scale or other / p.5 / there lies a dramme ; there's a Jewes Lottery, and lots of severall valuations : No blanks, all prizes ; Injoy them, and the love of him who bids thee draw, and wishes thee a noble fortune.
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GAD BEN-AROD BEN BALAAM, BEN-AHIMOTH, BEN-BAAL, BEN GOG, BEN MAGOG. . Farewell. |
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| 1 | A Courtier. | |
| 2 | A Drunkard. | |
| 3 | An Aldermans prodigall sonne. | |
| 4 | A Tobacco taker. | |
| 5 | A good Lawyer. | |
| 6 | An honest citizens too finicall wife. | |
| 7 | A Prentice. | |
| 8 | A Serving-man. | |
| 9 | An Extortioner. | |
| 10 | A Glutton. | |
| 11 | A Jealous Man. | |
| 12 | A Lover, a fond fantastick one. | |
| 13 | A Witch. | |
| 14 | A Roaring boy. | |
| 15 | A voluntary Banckrupt. | |
| 16 | A Sergeant of London. | |
| 17 | A Thiefe. | |
| 18 | A Hang-man. | |
| 19 | Tiburne. |
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BEING melancholy, and walking in a warme afternoone to Hogsdon alone, I fell into a by-path, which led me into a solitary field, fit to the disposition of my mind. There I lay on a bancke, and on a sudden, had mine eyelids so long plaid upon with a golden slumber, that in the end it turn'd to a sound sleep, which so long inchanted me by his bewitching charmes, that the Birds in pitty, to see me lye there, and fearing I might catch hurt by the cold fingers of the night, if once they fastned upon me, the poore singers, set out a throat, to wake me and sat up later than their houre, onely to watch me. I then awak'd, and prais'd heaven, for putting more pitty into the brest of a gentle Bird, than into man.
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So, darknesse martching softly towards the City, I thrust my selfe into her company, and went along with her : when I came to the walkes of Moorefields, I feard nothing, for I saw none, I heard none, met none, all was hush'd as a still water, no wind stirring, no leaves bustling ; (that halfe amaz'd) I almost forgot where I was, on in the darke, I went I knew not how, nor car'd I whither : in the end, I got to More-gate, but that, and all the other passages were stopt, lock'd up, and none to open ; for there was a tumult in London, upon which the gates were shut, and the Lord Maior, and Sherifs, with power gone abroad to keepe the peace. From Moregate then I softly went up the field againe, it was not earely and it was not late, I heard no voyces of man or woman, I saw no light, and thought with myselfe, that all that part of the world was drunke, they were so fast a sleepe.
In the end, I spy'd a small light burning in a great window, which shew'd like one Glow-worme in a large garden : be the house (quoth I to my selfe) what it will, there will I knocke ; for albeit the gates be shut, Constables eyes are open : so I came to a faire porch, whose dore within was but put to : in I went, and on I went, (it being as I after understood) one of those spatious bricke-houses, which shoot their smoake towards Bun-hill, when ther's any fire in the chimneis. What the silent walkes were, I feard not, and who the dweller there I car'd not : a pretty strippling presently comes out with a candle, and without any more complement told me, his master would doe nothing to night, no more telling of fortunes till morning, I catching hold of / p.9 / this, asked who was his master, he said the Wandring Iew, where is he, (quoth I) within (quoth he) : may I speake with him (quoth I,) you may (quoth he,) does hee dwell here (quoth I ?) no, he but lyes here, (quoth he,) it is his kinsmans house, and he being in the country, rather then it should stand empty, gives him the use of it.
At last, lighting me into a faire Parlor, I followed where was a good fire, and an antient Gentleman, in an odde Jewish habit, sitting at a table, where hee had newly sup'd ; hee spying me sat still, and spoke not a word, at which I was abashed ; yet plucking up a good heart : Sir (said I) by your strange outside, I know not what language you speake, but if you understand that which I speake (English,) I intreate so noble a favour at your hands, as to let me shelter my selfe in your house, till the Moone pleases to shine and bestow one of her Tapers upon me to light me to my lodging. He call'd for a chaire, and made me sit downe by him ; and then (taking me by the hand,) sonne (said he) y'are wellcome : I have travelled farre, and speake many languages, yet am as you are, an Englishman, (you may heare by my tongue.) If I spake nothing at your comming in, wonder not, it is my fashion, as they (which know me) know. For why should I to one I never saw, moove needlesse questions, which you may answer as you please, and deride me : say I aske you, where you have beene, and why you walke so late, what need you tell me ? you may speake any thing. To desire what you are, where you dwell, what's your quality, who your friends ? this were superfluous and ridiculous.
If you be my friend, to use you unkindly, were base : if / p.10 / my enemy, yet in such a night, to well come you, is charity, if you are capable of my harmelesse meaning, you shall know more ere you part, Sir, (said I,) if I could not pay your kindnesse with loving words, you might count me a bad debtor, if I study not to requite your courtesie, I were ungratefull, (and then a villaine,) but sithence, it is not in my power to performe so much now, it shall argue a generous disposition in you, if for a short time you give me forbearance, till I be better able : for howsoever I seeme rude, by this bold intrusion, yet have I beene trayned up where good manners grew, and learning florished.
I was once my selfe a lover of the Muses too, (said he) but had a roaming head when I was as you are, yong, and would take no settled course, and that caus'd mee to travell : but when the rod of youth had beaten me, and that age bid me hye home ; I returned to mine owne Country (England) whose smoake to me, was more sweet, than all the perfum'd fires, by which I warm'd my selfe abroad.
To this house have I retir'd, because it stands in a good ayre, hath the benefit of faire prospects, and is neere the Citty, it is none of mine but my kinsmans, yet may I use it as freely as if it were mine owne.
And now sonne, (for so my age allowes me priviledge, to call you) I will take away the tediousnesse of night, by some discourse, of the passages of my owne life. Every old man is his owne Chronicler, and no story is readier in his memory then what hee writes with his owne hand.
Know then, that in my first setting forth in progresse through the world, much preferment met me, kiss'd me, and / p.11 / wood me, and faine would have had me, but I would none : choyce of wives were set before me, (beauties able to tempt) yet me they could not : I saw others, that had faire wives, but the husbands looked worse than other men : I had a fresh colour, they pale, I strong and lusty, they puling, weake and sickly, I joviall, buxome, and still merry, they sullen, melancholy, and ever sad. No wife (I swore for this) should come neere me. I could have beene rich, but all rich men, are not the happiest men, if I might live (said I) alwayes, I would then build (as rich men doe) and set my glory on the toppes of Pinnacles, but when with my hand I could measure out the spanne of a poore transitory life, I accounted gold and silver, but as the misers Counters, to cast up his cares by ; Honours I weighed, and found the Ballance false ; when I thought they had been Dyamonds, they proved Pibbles ; when cuppes of Nectar, they turn'd to roming water. The embracing of the sweetest woman upon earth, but a Goddesses picture, a minutes pleasure, an age of perturbation.
So that, fanning off these light fethers, I sit as you, by my owne fire ; if now I appeare wretched, my griefe is the lesse, because I was never better, if I am poore, no matter, it is sometimes a torment to be rich. As I have not too much, I have not too little, I am the Sunne to my owne Zodiack, or a ship in my own sea, and beare a sayle according to my burthen.
But now I will open to you the booke of a strange secrecy, here I live as obscure as I can, yet the needle eye of this winking world has found mee out, and for what thinke you ? They take me for a rare fellow, a Conjurer, a Cunningman, a sooth-sayer, a figure caster, a starre-catcher, a For- / p.12 / tune-teller, any body, nobody, and I know not who, neither can they tell what.
Indeed (worthy Sir) I confesse I have heard, that here about Moore-fields, such a wondrous man did live, that was as well acquainted with the Moone, as her neighbours the starres are, but that this was the house, I protest I knew not, till by this good fortune, a happy darkenesse brought me to it. For Sir, you have such a winning way in you, that I desire (as you call me son) so I may call you father, and be adopted and endeered into your grave acquaintance.
This night (replyed hee) you shall lodge here, to morrow morning, you shall see the Terme begin, my Clients will come in tumbling ; not that I can doe them any good, (for alas I have no such skill) yet talke with them I doe, all commers I well-come ; it is my sport to heare them tell their lamentable stories, and it addes to my experience, to see the vanities, follies, and fooleries of this age, in believing that man can cut out fortunes, for such Ideots, and to thrust himselfe into the knowledge of his great master. Midnight rings her bell in mine eare, and bids us hasten to bed : my Boy shall conduct you to yours ; good rest attend you: when you rise, you shall see strangers enow wayting here, to give you and me our breakefasts.
The gray morning had no sooner opened her eyes, but I (with mine open) saluted her, and though I would have sworne I had beene the first up in the house, yet when I came out of my chamber, I found my old-new-father, by a good fire, sitting in his chaire, as soberly as Erra Pater : his beard was reverend, face comely, a Jewish gowne girt to him, / p.13 / and a Jewish round cap on his head, buskins on his legges, a small silver bell lying before him, to ring for his boy, mittens upon his hands.
His courtesie (over night) made me bold with him in the morning, so that I prayd him, honour me so much, as to let me know the name, to which I was so infinitely beholden, and withall, why (being an English-man) hee was call'd the Wandring Jew, and a teller of Fortunes. Both your questions (quoth hee) shall come home to you, answered.
I have beene a Traveller many yeares, and felt the heate of the Sunne in change of Countries : at my living in Venice, I came acquainted with an Italian Jew named Orlotto, whom meeting often upon the Rialta, diverse Venetians noting his face and mine, said we were so like, wee might very easily be taken for brothers ; the Jew being told this, sent for me to his house, entertain'd me with curious complements, curtesie and cheere, making mee vow (for the equall likenesse we both carryed,) to call him brother. Nay, he did so affect my company, (I speaking as good pure Tuscane as he himselfe) and discoursing home with him, that he wonne me to sojourne with him ; and in the end, (because I strove to please and humour him in all things, his noble curtesies, binding me to doe so) he wrought me to goe in a rich Jewish habit (such as you see I sit in) so that all Venice swore I was his brother, and I went (as he did,) by the name of Orlotto, which name I retaine here still, albeit my own true name is Egremont.
To your other demand, why I am called a Fortune-teller, a Cunning-wise-man, and I know not what; this addition of / p.14 / ridiculous Title came to me, by a merry accident, which fell out thus. A singing joviall Cobler, dwelt not farre from a private lodging which I tooke ; who bore such love to a rough-hayre Water-spaniell which hee kept, hee was never well, but when the Dogge was in his company. A mad fellow to have some sport with the Coblar, stole the Dogge, and kept him close from him a sevennight : the Cobler was mad, and sware he did not care to give all the shooes in his shop, to have his Dogge againe : why (sayes the other) I will undertake for a Capon and a pottle of wine, to bring you to Jew hard by, (an excellent Scholler, and seene in the Black-art, that shall helpe you to the Curre. Tis agreed ; the mad Grig then comes to me, (being full in my acquaintance,) and for mirth sake, wooes me when I brought the Cobler to him, to undertake the getting of his Dog, which was easie to doe, he having him lock'd up in his owne house, I yeelded : he brings the Cobler, and after many intreaties (I telling the danger of the law, if I dealt in such matters) at length, I promis'd him I would doe my best. Asking him then, if hee could reade, hee said, No: hereupon, taking downe Gesners discourse of Beasts, with their pictures, I turn'd to that part which reveales the properties of all sorts of Dogges : shewed him the picture of one, Is this hee ? No ; Is this hee ? No, no : I then (after hee had seene many others) opened the leafe, where the picture of a shag-haire Water-spaniel was, which he no sooner saw, but rapping out a great oath, swore, that was the very sweet face of his deare Diver (for so he called his Curre :) upon which opening his purse, hee threwe downe all his mony, and so hee might but / p.15 / see his Dogge at home, bid me take what I would : I touched none, but bidding him hie to his house, told him his Dogge should be at home within halfe an houre, with great joy he parts, his friend gets home, powres a kettle of warme water on the Dogge, as if hee sweated, cudgel'd the Curre soundly, and away runnes hee to the Cobler, leaping upon his master, and his master hugging him : And upon this was I so fam'd for my cunning, that there is not a morning in the weeke, but I am haunted with fooles of all stampes, to know their fortunes, in which I have as much skill, as the Coblers Water-spaniell had ; yet I make a shift to please my selfe, and not hurt them : I wonder I sit so long quiet ; stay you by me, (if you can have patience) and behold what Actors enter upon this Comicall stage.
By this time, one knoc'd, hee whisled for his other halfe of the house-hold, which was a pretty sprightly boy, which lighted mee in, whom (the Master said hee) brought from Wittenburgh in Germany, and was cozen to knavish Wagner (the boy that wayted on Doctor Faustus :) This boy of his, for the witty conceits, and merry language in him, hee call'd by an Italian name, (Joculo.) This Joculo being as nimble, and ready to welcome the Fortune-fooles, as a boy in a Barre, does Guests, and could unhappily guesse at the conditions of the Parties by their habits and faces upon his Masters whistling ; Joculo had beene at gate, and comes running in, saying.
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Then came in a youth bownsing with authority : looke out, said Orlotto, who i'st ? O Sir, (quoth Joculo) a man made out of waxe, a City-sparke, a Bonfire, a Muske-cat smells not sweeter, a Barber is not trimmer, a Chamber-maid is not smoother, a painted whore not better colour'd. An Aldermans sonne, as his man whispers to me. Bring him in : he comes.
Save thee (Noble Jew,) I am a Cockney borne, a chil'd of Troy-novant, the sonne of a scarlet man, (a Senator,) I am / p.21 / (as all of us) borne poore, but left rich, Wenches I revell with, Vintners I advance, Taylors I make Gentlemen, Sempsters are my wayting-women, Bawdes I kicke, Punkes I tumble, I can handle a Rapier, tosse full glasses, spinne out nights in suppers, and dance away whole dayes with Fidlers : Duckes and Drakes make I with shillings, honest wives, drabbes, with poundes, I want nothing, have all things, and yet (but yesterday) an old trot, a Beldame, a Witch looking in my hand, told me I had too large a Table, to keepe it still furnish'd with meate ; and that for all my full bagges, I should dye a beggar. Being vext at this leane Lamia, hollow-eyde Canidia, and splay-footed Irish Calliogh : I come (Jew) to thee, to have thee to ride among the Planets, inquire of them what Starre was my midwife, and then tell me my Fortune.
To whom, Orlotto, thus :
Sir, you are rich, but deepe wells by continuall bucketting the water out, are in the end drawne dry : Troy was once on fire, yet long since burnt out ; you are faire, and handsome, but intemperate riots will leave you ugly : you are witty, wenches and wine will make you a foole ; you are young, late watchings in Taverns, will wrinckle that face, and dry up that bloud : Had the Alderman your father done as you doe, you had done nothing, you had bin nothing : Now you are followed, then you might have serv'd ; what are you in your spendings ? / p.22 / but a great Taper to give other light, rather a tallow candle, which being wasted goes out in a filthy snuffe : Lavish spending, has a slavish ending ; when women have worne away your body, and wantonnesse worm'd you out of wealth, then goe to your Gossips, (which now hang like jewels about your necke,) shake but an empty pocket, what then ? the whore will not know you, the Vintner not trust you, the Tayler no more take measure of you, the Mercer goes in with a Spanish shrugge ; Torn fortunes wheele round in your owne hand, Lords will play at dice with you, Knights will call you Tom, and Jacke, and Dicke, Fether'd gallants haunt you, Parasites flatter you, Brokers borrow for you, Usurers lend you, Citizens cap you, Brave dames kisse gownes out of you : But, let Fortune snatch her wheel from you, a poore Ale-house is your Inne, an old Freeze Jerkin in Summer your Sonday-suit, and a Plimouth cloake your Caster. Here then is your Fortune, if you hold on as you begin, your full feeding will make you leane, Drinking too many healths, wash away your own health, your too oft leaping the pale, causes you look pale, too close following the fashion, brings you out of all fashion, and a carelesse life, draws on a miserable death ; you have yet, gold enough left, husband that, you have wit, imploy that : from handfulls of corne-seeds come Cart-loads of corne ; A little well ordered, begets much, and much scraped abroad (as Hens do chaffe with their heels) comes to nothing. If you mock my good will, you may repent when you lie like a Nut-megge in a Grate, or else ride Westward, at the Sheriffs charges, on Doctor Stories wooden horse of Troy, which has swal- / p.23 / lowed many a gallant into his belly. Our yong Cockney laughed, shook his head, muffled his face in his scarlet cloake, and so without so much as mum, sneaked away.
The hammer at the gate, beating loud in our eares agen : Joculo, comes in, Crying Foh, I am almost strangled with a Damp : why, said Orlotto, what Customer comes next ? one I thinke (sayes the Boy,) to give you a fit of mirth, for his pockets are full of pipes ; at the very gates hee drew out a Tinder-box, and bounce went his nose like a Pot-gun ; his throat sure is on fire, the smoak flies so fast from his mouth, blesse his beard with a bason of water, least he burne it : some little Devill, in mans likenesse, for he spits fire, pants and lookes pale, and so spawles, and drivells, he has almost made a puddle where he stands, see sir, here hee comes, having put up his pipes.
I come to thee Jew (quoth the Tobacconist) to know whether the Doctor of the Towne lie or no, for they all say, my lungs are wasted with excessive drinking Tobacco, and I cannot live, but I feele no such matter ; That sacred Indian-weed, is restorative to me, Tobacco is my heaven on earth, Tobacco is my breakfast, my banquet, my blessing, the scent of it so ravishes me, would I had taken Tobacco in my mothers belly ; Tobacco is to mee an honor, for some Noble- / p.24 / mens chimneys vent not out so much smoke, as I doe at my nostrils, yet my wife curses the Inventor, railes at him, at mee, and the poore innocent herbe ; so my sonne swears he had rather thrust his head into a Jakes, than peepe into my chamber, yet this divine Moly, is meate and drinke to me, what need I New-castle-coals having this fewell to heat me? Hang Sacke, this is my Canarie, this Black-a-More I love, above the beauty of a Cheapside darling : In one of these pipes is my mornings draught, in another my apples and carrawaies after dinner, in a third, my after-noons nuntions, and at my going to bed, this is my posset : To binde this to me, I will lose my hat-band ; and does this then shorten my life, say Jew, am I a dead man or no ? Cast the dice, and let mee see what chance Fortune has allotted me.
Another knocks sayes the good Christian-Jew, looke out boy, O sayes Joculo, 'tis a sweet woman, do you not smell her ? a rowling eye, fine haire (if it be her owne) high forehead, rare face, (if it be not painted) white necke, (if it be not plaistred) straight back, (if it be not bolstred) slender wast, (if not too much pinn'd in) pretty foot, daintie leg, and I thinke, a Citizens wife, for a little prentice mans this little Pinnace.
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Let her howse a while (sayes his Mr.) I know her ; once has she been here before, and I cannot be rid of her ; yet I will bring you acquainted with her qualities, and these they are ; she came naked into the City, and shall so returne, unlesse shee doe pennance in a white sheet, pinn'd round about her. Her husband married her for pure love, and had naught with her, and naught is like to have ; yet she will flaunt with the finest, and gad abroad with the giddiest, looking for more attendance than a Countesse, and more observance than a Dutchesse : shee stomacks any bravery in others, and cares not how great her owne be, nor how she comes by it : yet she is not common, (that's her glory,) but loves only one besides her husband, (and that's her Scandall.)
No fashion can peepe out, but she has it ; no sight to bee seene, but she must view it ; not a gew-gaw heard of, but she longs for it : she will buy nothing that is cheape, weares nothing that is course, eats nothing but what is costly : her honest husband is her Hobby-horse at home, and her foole abroad, amongst her Crew, the wanton Girles jeere him ; and her hee companions point at him with forked fingers, such a life leads he with this white Devill ; he were better be in his grave : by day he dares not meet her, shee's so man'd with her brave Boyes ; by night, he feares to lie with her, shee's a Noli me tangere ; with meat he cannot please her (shee's so daintie) in clothes hee cannot keepe her, (shee's so / p.31 / costly) with words he cannot fit her, (shee's so captious) and no way can content her, (shee's so wanton :) If he councels her to turne over a new leaf, mew (cries she) you preach false doctrine : if hee jeere at her apish folly, O sayes she, you are all wit, or wit-all : keepe her short of money, she sweares she will have it, though she hang for it ; strike her, she stabs ; kisse her, she spits ; locke her up, she cries out murder ; and the next time she goes abroad, a Catch-poll salutes her husband for some false debt, so he lies by it : and she playes his wanton, wicked, sweet, wel-favour'd filthy wife. Now Joculo call her in.
Worthy sir, I have beene here with you before, you counselled me then ; but the hony you gave me, turn'd to gall in my stomacke. The more I strive to love my husband, the more his deboish'd courses begets my hate ; I have cast mine eye on a second, and that second is now my first : I know such love is unlawfull, yet I cannot with-stand destiny, I am marked to be his, he to be mine : I beseech you therefore tell me, and put me in some comfort ; shall I bury my husband or no, and then will it bee my fortune that this other sweet man, take me to be his wife.
The honest Jew looking with fixed eyes upon her, said thus, were your minde as faire as your bodie, you were a / p.32 / Diamond for a Kings wearing : but the foulnesse of the one, utterly eclipseth the brightnesse of the other.
I must condemne, and contemne you ; you were sworne in the Church to a husband, and you in a Tavern swear your selfe to an Adulterer : you consume your husbands goods to feed a Villaine ; you were honest, and make your selfe otherwise. But take heed, there is an eye sees you when you kisse false lips ; an eare heares you, when you plot your close meetings : a hand from Above, to apprehend you in your lust ; and a devill below, which shall lend you fire to nourish it ; such a pleasure has an enticing face, but a Furies body, a sugred bit, but being swallowed, rank poison. Look into my garden, if I would suffer my neighbors to cover it with garbadge, no dunghill would stinke worse ; so, you are sound, and lovely now ; but when your hot lust throwes Ulcers, Blanches, and the French Itch all over your body; then you will wish your self turn'd into a Toade.
Would you know your Fortune ! there it is ; If you loose your good name, you will never recover it : play false in your youth, and in age, none respect you : your husband (by your basenesse) is now counted a Cuckold ; and your children for ever shall bee called Bastards. Say your husband dyes, no one will marry you but this your sweet-heart, and then he will not trust you, but revile you, curbe you, abhorre you, and keepe you as a slave : lament your folly now, and it shall save you a labour then : begin a new life, abandon lewd company, else your dayes will be wretched, and your death miserable. She put finger in the eye, and away she went.
Who is that knocks so maidenly, said Orlotto ? O sir (quoth the Boy) 'tis such a sprigge as I am ; a pretty, hansome, well-fac'd stripling ; neat in clothes, spruce in shooes, garters, and stockins ; and by his habit seems to be some good mans Prentice, some good mans ! O ! that's some Rich mans ; for he that is Rich in this Age, is Good, and none are Bad but the Poore ; and is't a Prentice sayst thou ! This Citie is bound by her Priviledges and Charter to make much of such Plants : had she no Prentices, she would in a short time have no Freemen. To be a Prentice, is to be bound, but not to be a Bond-man, yet hee is a Bond-man for so many yeeres ; but it is a noble Bondage, a Bondage with libertie : if the Mr. holds one end of the staffe, the Prentice fastens on the other. The Prentice is bound to serve his Master ; and in the same Indentures the Master is tied to serve his Prentice with apparell, victuals, lodging, and all things necessary, and to teach him what himselfe (in his Art) knowes. A Prentice is a City-kernell, his Master, the shell : and some of them are very hard to cracke ; some breake themselves : All your rich Shoppe-keepers that make such goodly bankes of flowers, were at first set of such slips.
In the Musicke of City Government, a Prentice for a while practises onely the Gamoth on his fingers ; but when he comes out of his yeers, is free, and weares a livery Gowne, hee then beares a voice in the Common-wealths Consort.
/ p.34 /
London had never seene the face of a Lord Major, a Sheriffe, an Alderman, a Deputie, a Church-warden, a Constable ; but that they were all drawne by the picture of a Prentice : a Prentice comes to bee all these ; and all these had never come to what they are, but by having beene a Prentice. A Prentice then being so brave a Spark, let us see what fire this will kindle when he appeares.
No sooner had Joculo fetched him in, but thus the sprightly youth began.
Sir, I am bold to knocke at your Gate, to seeke a little knowledge here, but I begge your pardon ; I am the sonne of a Gentleman, though (as some tell me) I forfeit my Gentillitie by being led into a kind of voluntarie servitude of being a Prentice. This grieves me not a little, to loose the Honor I brought into the World, onely to clime (if I can) to wealth, within a Citie ; I am free in my minde howsoever, and in that I am a gentleman still.
My Father having many sonnes, and I a yonger Brother, I gladly to ease him of a charge, entred into this care of a Servant, of a Prentice, of a Bondman : some servile offices I doe, and do them willingly ; others I must doe, and will do them as bravely. My Master is not hard to please, and my Mistris easie ; so that if I content both, I content my selfe : And 7. yeeres will quickely runne out at the small hole of a / p.35 / Three-penie hour-glasse. But (renowned Jew) I desire to learn of you my highest Fortune, being but a Prentice, I shall in time ascend unto.
You shall know (said Orlotto.)
All men in their Cradles have their Fortunes (good, bad, or indiffrent (pinn'd on their very Mantles : You have lighted upon no ill-one in being a Prentice, for you are now a student, and must reade over the Law of Lex Talionis, (like for like:) looke how you measure your masters goods out to others, your servants, with such fingers, shall deliver out yours.
Does riot present you a horse to ride upon, being a Prentice ? your Prentice shall take a horse (a Jade) out of the same stable, and ride, to his owne ruine, and (if he can) yours. You are in a City, not at Court ; and 'tis your place to follow Industry, not bravery : which doing this wilbe your fortuue [lit.].
You shall in a short time get freedome ; and then your Priminiere is recovered, (your gentility, your own agen.) In a few yeers after, by good husbandry, you may arrive at riches, and riches in the end bring you to honor : if you disdaine not to weare a Prentices Cap, you may live to see the Cap of Maintenance, worne before you as the Cities Prætor. Put on those clothes of a servant cheerfully, which your Master shall bestow upon you, and this City which is now / p.36 / your Nurse, shall at length, be your Mother, and put you into Robes of Scarlet. How many of our London Senators, have beene called from the Councell Chamber in the Guildhall, to sit at the Councell Tables of their Soveraignes ! And why may not the Beames of such glory shine upon you ? you are now but a small printed Booke let this your youth, and mens estate when it comes, write none but commendable Stories, And your old Age shall bring forth a most excellent volume. He ended, the yong man, with blushes in his cheekes, and good language in his mouth, with humble thankes departed.
To the gate (boy) cryed Orlotto, another knocks, looke who 'tis : O Sir (said he) a most courteous creature ; how he stands, and looks upon himselfe ; his Combe is out, and Beard-brush : nay you have an excellent legge ! O fine Calfe ! So, stroake up your fortop in any case : pish ! your band hangs right enough, what ; yet more crevises in your Stockings ! fye upon it, fye, now out upon it fie ! How complementall he kisseth his hand, as if he were in love with it. He carries a Blew coate on his backe Sr. and is feathered like a Countrey fore-horse.
Let him waite awhile, 'tis his office (as being a Serving-man.) A Serving-man is the shadow, his Mr. the Sun-dyall : as the tayle of a horse, stirres after the body, so moves this / p.37 / creature ; This fellow is no drunkard, perhaps, yet not his owne man ; He is commonly a pretty boy, then a handsome stripling, and now (I warrant) a proper man : peevish in his child-hood, proud in his youth, prodigall in his best yeers. He spends his portion in hope of preferment, prunes and trickes up himselfe in hope of a rich marriage ; the best dish he feeds on, (tho he fills his belly with other good meats) is hope. His greatest happinesse is to Court the Chambermaides, to whom he sings ; or, to man the wayting-gentlewoman into the fields, and then he still turnes backe and laughes, to shew he's in grace ; or else, to make other gentlemens followers drunk : whom his Master favours, he fawnes upon ; whom his Mistris frownes on, he frumpes : He would soone prove a Joyner, he makes legs ; only his sleeve is a gentleman, and beares Armes : He is in no one obligation, yet bound to runne at calls, rise at all houres, and ride in all weathers. What his Master leaves, hee eats ; what he casts off, he weares, (if he can get it;) so that he is the Ante-ambulo of a Gentlewoman, the consequent of Gentleman, the Ante-cedent of a Cloke-bagge. A Servingman, Call him in.
He entred, as briske as a Tayler at his own wedding, and said, sir, what my Fortune has bin, and is, I know ; and what shall be, I come to know of you : what I am, my Livery shewes ; what in time I may be, I would have your learning shew. I live among Ladies, see beauties every day ; waite on / p.38 / a Knight, eat good meat every meale ; and meet with brave ragges (my Knights Tayler cuts out for me) as he does for him : his Caroch is sometimes mine, his Taverne-drinkings mine, his Playes at Blackfriers, or Cock-pit mine : whatsoever is his at first hand, is mine at second : (his wenches now and then before him) yet what of all this ; this is no Sea to maintaine mee for ever in fishing : Service is but a glowing fire, it heats, but not through ; I beseech you therefore tell me when I shall sit by a bouncing Sea-coale fire of mine owne Fortune, not to go out from Winters end, to Winters end. And I am your Servant, Durante vita.
Why then, sayes Orlotto, because I know you are full of Agitation, like the Wheele of a perpetuall motion, here is your Fortune in a few words.
It is no shame to serve ; for One serves all us : Would you rise higher then you are ? drinking stiffly, or domineering proudly cannot do't. Are you in a good Service ? keepe it ; least when you would have such another, you goe without it : would you thrive ? catch Time by the shoulder, for if you let him passe by, hee comes no more at your call : for Time, though hee bee an old man, is an excellent footman ; no Shockatory comes neere him if hee once get the start, hee's gone, and you gone too. If you gather no eares of Corn in the Summer of your youth, in the Winter of Age, you shall eat no bread ; but either leape at a crust, and begge or / p.39 / starve : and then if Povertie and Age walke together, every foot-boy shall looke over the shoulder at you ; and every Scullion in your Ladies Kitchin jeere you ; scorn'd as an old Woman that was wonton in her youth : Then all your fine fegawes will be rip'd up, and all your follies laid in your dish : have you at any time done wrong ? now it will bee reveng'd in your want and weaknesse : When an old Lion had never a tooth in's head, then the Asse bit him. Are you in a good place ? strive to deserve it : what you get, keep ; what you spend, make use of : Are you trusted ? deceive not such a Master : By this small harvest, you may gather golden sheaffes enough to fill your little Barne ; So fare you well. The Serving man offered him halfe his quarters wages, but he would none, and away out at gate he went.
More crowding (quoth Orlotto,) wee shall bee crowded to death : looke out Boy, at the top-Mast, and see what ships come sayling. O Sir (said Joculo, some Gally-asse richly rigg'd, and I warrant richly laden ; 'tis a Man by his face, a Monster by his clothes, for hee's in a Gowne cleane through Fox'd, yet is he sober ; the haire of his head short as his eyebrowes, and yet an ill favoured beard, as if he durst not trust a Barber with his Throat ; hee drinks Whey sure, he lookes / p.40 / so pale ; and his Jackett is faced with a scurvy Latine word call'd Fur ; a small Ruffe, set with a Tobacco-pipe ; Gloves under his Girdle like an Usurer, and Rings on his fingers like a Juggler : He thumps again, hee's in haste, and here he comes tumbling.
Jew, Jew, honest Sir ! Thou art a cunning-man ; I am a man out of my wits, for if I stay long, I am undone : Not to lie to thee, Gold is my god, Silver my Saint, Bonds are my deare Bookes ; an Obligation ! better then fat Venison ; Scriveners are my Cookes ; couzening-Brokers my Boylingmen ; and Sergeants my Turne-Spits that roast Rogues in prison, till they pay me my sweet Moneys, hony, hony-Moneys : I am a Lion if I paw an Heire ; a Beare if I fang a Citizen ; I am a money-monger of Fortie in the hundred : Now thou knowest what I am, (Jew) tell me what I shall bee ; my Fortune, my Fortune, Come, shall I live long ? does not my Wife picke my Counting-house ? plot not Theeves how to rob mee ? and then I hang my selfe ; say, say Jew, I'm a Jew too) dispatch mee.
That I will (said Orlotto) to the Devill for hee must have thee, unlesse mercie save thee : thou art in hast, and heers thy hastie Fortune ; Thou shalt injoy much, yet embrace / p.41 / nothing ; ever have, and ever want : thou art Master to thy Money, and a slave to thy Muck ; thou shalt live in terror, mistrust thy Wife for stealing from thee ; curse thy children if they peepe but in at the key-hole where thy Mamon lies. And for this cause thy Wife shall wish thee hang'd, thy children laugh when they goe in mourning ; and being dead, a thousand peales of dire execrations throw thee into thy grave, upon which, poor men whom thou hast rackt in prizes, shal dance for joy ; and tottered Beggers, (whom thou calledst thy dogges) pisse there on thy face in scorne ; Out, out, Cur-Jew, cried the Mydas, and so hobled home, as fast as his legges could trot under him.
Wee shall never be quiet (said Orlotto) another beates, looke out Joculo, what customer now, who is it ?
O Sir, (cried the Garsoon,) an Elephant ; no, 'tis a man roll'd hither in a dry-fat, how he tumbles ; some Whale sure gotten to land, no ; 'tis a Manning-tree Oxe with a pudding in his belly : I'm afraid 'tis the Grecian horse, for in he cannot come, unlesse you breake downe your gates ; so, so, hee's entred with much adoe, like a Gentlewoman with a huge bum; now hee squats downe, how he blowes, for hee is broken winded. But sir, sir, now I take a full view of him, I know the beast ; and have seen him / p.42 / wallow in the streets : describe the monster as thou paint'st him out, said his Master ; yes sir, (quoth the Ladde,) and this it is :
Hee's a great man, yet a Constable carries more authoritie : let his consort be never so merry, hee is ever heavy ; no Herauld can give a Lord greater and fairer Armes ; hee is no Three-penie ordinarie dinner : when Wood (the huge eater in Kent, has devour'd a Porkling of 7 shil., a brest of veal, 12 couple of Rabbets, and as many Puddings as will make Rayles round about More-fields, this greedy-gut shall swallow him : he cranches Capons, as fast as an Ape cracks Nuts ; he tosses a Pike (if it be in White-broth) better then any Souldier : he is, a curse to Pasties ; a tormenter of Poultry, a sepulchre to Lobsters ; a terrible Sheep-biter ; a horrible Mutton-monger ; a Gorbelly-Glutton : See, sir, the Beare is at Stake.
A Chaire, a Chaire, sweet Master Jew, a Chaire : All that I say, is this ; I'me a fat man, it has been a West-Indian voyage for me to come reeking hither ; a Kitchin stuffe-wench might pick up a living, by following me, for the fat which I loose in stradling : I doe not live by the sweat of my brows, but am almost dead with sweating, I eate much, but can talke little ; Sir John Old-castle was my great grand- / p.43 / fathers fathers Uncle, I come of a huge kindred, and of you desire to learne, whether my Fortune be to die a yeere, or two, hence, or to grow bigger, if I continue as I doe in feeding, (for, my victuals I cannot leave :) Say, say, mercifull Jew, what shall become of me.
Before your Fortune comes (said Orlotto) Take some counsell. You say, you are a fat man ; I see it, you feele it : How came you so fat ? by feeding : And why fed you so much ? because you are one of Natures Monsters, that eate of your owne Mother. Man is not borne a Glutton, he makes himselfe one ; your Belly is your god, and a Cooke the Saint you pray to ; A full table is your blessing, and yet, a full table is your curse ; By eating a great deale, you eat up your selfe ; for like an Oxe, the fatter he growes, the sooner he goes to the slaughter ; so you shorten your journey to the land of Wormes ; You sit upon thornes, And upon this Thorne growes your Fortune.
Your Body (as it is) shall ever be an Hospitall full of Diseases ; your Minde, a thick Mud, a standing Puddle ; your Soule dwells in a stinking house, yet was brought up to be an excellent housewife ; your Gutts shall, to your dying day, be a Dunghill ; Here is your misery, No woman shall marry you, had you never so much, or if any do, she shall loathe to lie by such a mountaine of uglinesse ; your Countrey will hate you, because she knowes not how to imploy you, for / p.44 / you are fit for nothing, but to eat, drinke, and sleep ; by which meanes you are an idle man, and an idle man is the Devills Cushion. All the good you can do, you shall make an excellent Feast in your grave ; Pray for a Famine, for if that Surgeon cannot worke upon your body, and eate away the proud flesh, such a plentifull yeere as this, must put you to the charge of a longer girdle, so that you shall never live in any compasse, untill a Coffin imbrace you, for which I wish you provide ; let your Soule feed upon heavenly Manna, you have too much earth in you, so take heed you be not benighted. Fare you well. Ile fare as well as I can (answered he) and tumbled away.
Is this Beast mad (cried the Jew) that keepes this rapping in such hast ? let him coole his heeles, and know better manners ; who is it, Joculo ?
A melancholy Hee-Cat (sir) said the cracke, a wilde man, a staring man ; hee looks behinde him, as if a Kennell of Citie-hounds had him in chace : hee sighes, and beats his breast, and wrings his hands ; some penitent Christian : Hoyda ! now he stamps, (I guesse what hee is) and feeles for Bumpes in his forehead.
Some jealous foole (said Orlotto) I warrant, if it be, he's his owne Beadle, and needs no other Executioner. Is his Wife faire ? though never so honest, she's false : Is she witty ? / p.45 / she's then (he sayes) a wanton ; speakes any Gallant to her, hee wooes her ; smiles shee on him, there's a promise : Is shee merry at home ? tis but to mocke him ; is she sad ? she will anon be merry abroad : Is she gone forth ? then his head akes, and heart pants ; stayes shee out long, then hee's horn mad ; and runs bellowing like a Bull, up and downe to finde his Cow. And see sir (said Joculo) hee's broke loose and come in.
Orlotto seeing the man so gastly and wilde in his lookes, staring round about him ; asked him, what he made there, and what he would have.
A Wife—a Wife, a Wife (honest father Jew) I would have, That's the thing I looke for ; I shall finde her soone, but I feare I feele her now on my forehead ; Shee's wonderous faire in mine eye, and red Queen-Apples are tempting fruit : If she sits in my shop, my stalle is my hell, feathered Gallants talke to her, cheapning her, take her by the hand, looke Babies in her eyes ; I am then full of Customers a—foole to such Customers ; send her away, No body cheapens any thing : Shee's my heaven, Shee's my hell : O deare Jew tell me, Am I a Cuckold or no ! put my head out of this miserable paine, I shall run mad else ; what! what! O, say, in a word, what's my Fortune, my hard Cornuted-Fortune.
/ p.46 /
Your Fortune (said Orlotto) whatsoever Fate sets downe in her unchangeable booke for you, you (in spite of Fate) will have such a Fortune, as your own head (without your Wifes hand) thrusts upon you : you will cry up your selfe a Cuckold, be your Wife as chaste as you, and must winde a Horne, albeit you weare none. Feare makes you foolish ; and a confidence that your Wife is false, leaves you distrustfull. Cannot a Woman be hansome, but shee's a Harlot ? can she not be absent, but she playes foule ? But say your feares were true, why do you torment your Soule, when ther's no remedy ? Sores past Cure, should be past Care ; that which is done, cannot be undone : If she be a good wife, you wrong her to make her bad ; If she be bad, all your raving cannot make her good ; it is not the worke of man, such wonders are wrought by Heaven. Is she (for all your idle and causelesse Jealousie) Chast ? why then, no woing can tempt her, no gold overcome her, no pleasure poyson her, no peevishnesse of yours, make her crooked. But if she will be loose, you shall never binde her ; if she will, she will. Locks shall not barre her, nor Doores imprison her, nor Stone-walls ram her up ; if her minde hath wings, over will she flie, and her body shall mount.
Your Fortune therefore is ; If you cannot alter your beliefe, then you shall be your owne Martyr, still living in torments, never dying in them, till they and you die together : your body shall grow leane with fretting ; your face pale with / p.47 / your feares ; your goods melt away by your carelessenesse ; yet you full of Care : Age will clap you on the shoulder, whil'st you are yong, and your head grow white before you are old. Your Children you will not love, because you suspect they are Bastards : your meat you will hardly touch, mistrusting shee will poyson it : you shall never be merry at heart, never sleepe soundly, never sit, but sigh ; never walke, but distracted ; And never die, but in despaire to leave her to any other, whom you so desire to ingrosse to your selfe. Your best way, is to thinke the best, and judge the best.—Ptrooh (cryed he) Beware-Hornes, and so, like an Oxe, broke loose and ran out at gate.
Who next? (said Orlotto) I heare one at gate, and 'tis a temperate knocker, What is he ? O sir, said Joculo, 'Tis a pale yong man, his eyes are sunk in's head, Cheekes leane, and Lips bloodlesse ; very neat in Cloathes, his Armes a-crosse, so hard pressing his stomack, that out flyes a Sigh, and hangs at his Band-string, tumbling there in a little hoope of Gold. Now he reades, And now he sighs agen, and turnes up the white o' th' eye.
By all these dead Colours, he should, said Orlotto, be some Inamorato, some passionate Lover. O, he's here of himselfe : Young-man, you are welcome, What ayle your eyes ? have you bin crying ?
/ p.48 /
Crying! (said he) O eyes! no eyes but fountains full of Teares. A line in Jeronimo (cryed the Boy.)
I confesse it, said the Lover, 'tis in Jeronimo, and I am Jeronimo ; for I have a son murdred ; the sonne of my mother is made away by the cruelty of a Maid ; I am Iphis, She Anaxarete : Sir, I am by profession, a Puny-Clerke, and serve in the Chancery ; my Masters daughters eyes has bewitcht me, and I am mad, directly mad. Sayes Orlotto, Doth the Maid love you ? Love me! cryed out the Lover, with a head hung aside, and hands heav'd up. This is Daniels Delia, cryed Joculo. True, said th' other, for I am Daniel, shee my Delia :
|
O had she not been faire, and so unkinde, My Muse had slept ; and none had knowne her minde. |
To whom, the Jew, thus ; Yong-man, I am sorry you so over-conceit my ability, to imagine I can call downe a Starre, or that a Starre can come at my call, to satisfie you, or any man in such an idlenesse.
You say, you are a Clarke, and Clarkes should have some seeds of Schollers in them. Remember, Otia si tollas, follow the heeles of your Law, and looke not at the fine foot of your Mistresse ; ply your Chancery-deske, and forget your Masters Coy Daughter, if she moves in a sphear too high for you, stand not staring up, least dust fall into your eyes : you are young, and handsome, and may meet her equall, to like you better, and love you better ; whistle not a hauke to your fist, that is haggard ; let her alone, till some other lures her downe : see this coy Thing married, and bear Children, and looke pale and leane, and ill-favour'd, hear her tongue to her husband, see her pride over her Servants, and then, be glad thou hast missed such a torment : but if no counsell can warne you, Then here is your Fortune.
You shall lie on your backe (in your bed) like an Astronomer, to take the height of this Starre, yet never reach it : an Ague cannot so shake you, as this sicknesse ; it will turne / p.50 / to our Cupids Calentures in time, and make you throw your selfe over-board into a desperate Grave ; you shall save much meate by your fasting, but will have drinke in abundance from your eyes ; one sigh is too much to cast away upon a cruell one : but you by your sighing, will be nothing but ayre ; no mourners shall come to your Funerall, for the death of a meere Lover, is ridiculous ; you should bee buried naked, because Love goes so, and your eyes thrust out by Cupids Arrows, because having sight given to an excellent end, (to looke up to Heaven, and to practise Astrologicall conclusions upon that Cælestiall Globe) when upon Earth, your eye is made Surveyor of all the great works under the King of kings : you tosse the balls of those eyes, onely at the beauty of a foolish yong wanton, who with disdaine, bandies them back into your owne bosome. You delight I see to deale a little in Verse, your Fortune shall bee shut up in Verse.
|
That Lover, whom proud beauty makes more bold, Sits by a painted fire ; dyes through cold. |
The Lover went away, with this onely in his mouth,
| Hei mihi quòd nullis amor est medicabilis herbis. |
|
Ah ! wo is me, no Physicke can discover, Where that herb grows, which cures a wounded Lover. |
The Lover, (who said hee was bewitched) was no sooner gone, but a Witch came in ; for the Gates flew open as if the Divell had been a Fencer, to make way before her. At sight of this strange apparition, blesse us (said Joculo) I have been in Lapland, and here I thinke comes one of the bear-ey'd Bell-dames, with a hand-kercher tyed full of knots to sell a winde to us.
Haile Jew (quoth the Witch so soone as she spied him,) I could finde in my heart, to call down the Moone by a Charme, I am so vex'd ; poor hobling old Woman, I pluck down the Moone ! so can I turne Bun-hill yonder into the highest mountaine in the World, and all one. My staffe here carries my shrievell'd carcasse no sooner through the streets but men jeere mee, out Witch cry women, whilst the boyes hoot, fling stones, and runne afore me, with a Witch, a Witch, a Witch, only in their mouthes ; would I endure this, if I were a Witch ? if I were a Witch, would I not be reveng'd ? I would, I would by Snap, Tracer, Smirk, if there be any such spirits. But I would know by these barking Currs why they thus bite at me ? why bite they not the glorious Witches in the kingdome ? why bite they not them ? why burne they not them ? are there not gay painted Witches, hurried in Caroches ? from whose eyes, Lust / p.52 / kindles Bone-fires ? from whose naked paps (laid out) wantons suck the milk of time ; are there not ruffling Sattin-Witches, that turne whole Lordships to Wardrobes of rich clothes ; that turn Acres into gold Lace ; Ploughs and Teames into Flanders Mares and Coches ? are there not City-Witches, that turne their husbands Shoppes of wares to sumptuous Tables, and close garden riots ; wasting more in one yeere, then was scraped together in seven ? These are the fine Witches, and none dare abuse them ; but because I am a deformed creature, I am a course Witch, and every body tels me I shall be burnt ; for what am I to be burnt ? for cursing yong rogues that follow me, they die within a day or two ; must I therfore bewitch them ? tell me now thou sweet fac'd Jew, what shall become of me ? shall Newgate be my Inne ? is't my Fortune to have a good fire to warme me ere I die ? fetch then the Faggots and the Reeds, for I am weary of this World. Say Jew, what's my Fortune ?
To whom, Orlotto, thus : Woman, that thou art a Witch, or no ; for all thy opinion of my skill is beyond my knowledge : But if thou art one, then will I tell thee what Monster thou art.
A Witch is the Devills Otter-hound, living both on Land and Sea, and doing mischiefe in either ; she kills more beasts, then a licensed Butcher in Lent, yet is nere the fatter ; shee's but a dry Nurse for the Flesh, yet gives suck to the Spirit. / p.53 / A Witch ! rides many times poast on hellish businesses, yet if a Ladder do but stop her, shee'll be hang'd ere shee goes any further. In all her life-time shee has but one Cause tryed at Law, and where others pay for expedition, she findes such dispatch, that in three or foure dayes at most, she hath both Judgement and Execution come forth.
A Hangman is the last man she parts with, from whom if she askes any thing, he puts her off: when her life is weighing Anchor, and hoysing Saile, her ship (the Conscience) is of great burden, and unlesse she hath mighty helpe to cast all her Sinnes over-Board, her lading is lost for ever, in turning of a hand. What death soever shee's put to, shee can be no Martyr, yet suffers for the Truth. A Witch, This is the Picture ; If you bee the Person, and mend not your life, (alter not your courses,) This is your Fortune, To die wretchedly, And after death, Live miserable Eternally.
The old Woman limp'd Grumbling, Mumbling, and Cursing, away.
As the Witch stumbled out at the Gate, a Gallant all in Scarlet, met her, and had almost jusselled her downe ; at which she went away muttering, and he came forward laughing : who is that (said Orlotto) is so merry ; some Morris-dancer ? what's that rings so ? O (quoth the Boy) Mr. this is a brave man, in a long horse-mans Coat, (or gown / p.54 / rather) down to his heels, daub'd thicke with gold Lace ; a huge Feather in his spangled Hat, a Lock to his shoulders playing with the Winde, a Steeletto hanging at his Girdle ; Belt and Sword embracing his body, and the ring of Bells you heare, are his gingling Cathern-wheele spurs. See sir, here comes the leader of the Myrmidons.
Wher's this Jew (cried the Ruffler,) your businesse (said Orlotto.)
O (quoth he) are you this rare fellow ? Jew, I would have thee know, I am a man of the Sword ; a Battoon Gallant, one of our Dammees, a bouncing Boy, a kicker of Bawdes, a tyrant over Puncks, a terrour to Fencers, a mewer of Playes, a jeerer of Poets, a gallon-pot-flinger, in rugged English, a Roarer. Fighting is my food, Blood my drink, quarrell my glory, stabbing my triumph ; out of wounds I drinke healths, and out of healths I beget wounds. A man I kill'd but last weeke, and am bound to answer it, A fico ; I care not this : he that dares fight, dares dye ; and he that dares dye, makes a foole of Life.
Some would not kill a man for the World, and what care I if I had stab'd a World? your greater kill-cowes have ever (besides Butchers) beene the bravest men. Jew, I have read History, and Chronicles ; and am such a Duellist, that it fattens me, and fattens mee, when I heare of a Combat well perform'd ; gashes, and slashes I honour, knee-deep in Gore, oh ! then I Roare.
/ p.55 /
Ever since man was made a Cutler, killing has been in fashion ; men and women have been good at it : Medea, kild her Brother ; Jugurth, his; Antiochus the Great, his; Romulus, his; an English King first thrust out his Brothers eyes, then kild him with starving. Alexius, (a fine roague) kill'd Isaac Angelus the Emperour, who brought him from the Oar, and the Bulls-pizle. Nero, kild his Mother ; Husbands have kill'd their Wives ; Wives their Husbands; Kings, their Queenes ; Queenes, their Kings. The King of Pontus slew his Wife Laodice ; That cuckolds Brother (Agamemnon) dyed by his Wifes treachery. These stories I love, these Tragedies are my Comedies ; why (Jew) dost thou so eye my Habit, is't not rich ? is't not brave ? yes said Orlotto, but somewhat phantasticke ; so much the better, (cry'd the other) the more phantasticke men and women are, the sooner Fashions alter ; the more they alter, the more worke has the Tayler, the more work he does, the richer he growes ; the richer the Subject growes, more honour to the Country, and therefore nothing is lost by phantasticallity. But now Jew to the cause of my coming, I would faine know of thee what luck, Good or Bad, that Whore, Fortune, purposes to conferre upon me.
Sir, what lies within the Circle of my apprehension, shall be yours ; you say you are a Roarer, Lions roare, and yet at one time or other are out-roar'd : delight you in blood ? your / p.56 / delight will be your downfall ; Judges sit in Scarlet to condemn men, and a Crimson sword shall condemn you : nothing is so superstitious as the life of man, and nothing so pernitious as to spill it : the anoynting of Kings is not so sacred, as the slucing out of blood is detestable : when man loves man, he lives with his Maker ; when man kils man, hee dwels (without repentance) with the Devill. Your Fortune is, if you goe on in your Roaring, on in your fighting, on in your stabbing, on in your killing ; you shall be fear'd by some, hated by All : none will pray for you but Surgeons ; but the Wife and Children, kindred, and friends of him whom you have kild, or whom you shall kill, will curse you for ever.
After your quarrels, your stabbing and fighting, your sleeps will be full of frights, your walking by day ful of feares, of Constables, and Warrants, and Pistols, so to bee kild suddenly, and unprepar'd for mercy, is dreadfull : and you must look so to dye, if you compell others to dye so, your life being a continuall Warre, what peace can attend upon your death ? This is all I can say to you, the path to Heaven, is a milky way ; not a bloudy : that milky way is for milk-shoppes (cryed the Roarer) and so farewell Jew.
Who comes next, said Orlotto? one knocks, looke out Joculo ; I know not (said hee) what he is, but it seems to be / p.57 / some Aldermans deputy by his Beard ; a Church-warden by his gravity, and a Constable by his surly face. Judge else, he's here.
Learned Jew, wisedome ever attend you ; sir, I am a Citizen, and my ambition is, to beare up the reputation of such a name : I love to swimme, but it is death for me to sink ; to be call'd a wealthy Citizen, is my minde, as great an honour as to bee call'd Bethlem-Gabor, or Spinola, or Tilley, they fight for glory, (and we Citizens strive for Riches) and is more glorious, than to muster an Army of golden angels on a Table.
The secrets of many Trades I know ; and their od wayes, tricks, devices, pollicies, knaveries to get money ; and none dare tax them : none will, because all (for the most part) are Black-a-Mores as well as themselves : who in an Hospitall, will upbraid his fellow with my disease, when hee that reviles the other, lies himselfe there sick of the Pox. I, seeing this corruption in all Professions, doe not greatly care to be corrupt too : being among Crows, why should not I bee ravenous, and learne to pecke out eyes ? when all the people in the World are Doves, then will I be a Turtle.
Some care not whom they undoe, so they may scrape Pelfe together ; I think therefore it is no great sinne to undoe the undoers. A voluntary Banckrupt then is a necessary member in a City ; a sword of Justice, to punish offenders; a good Ant before-hand in Summer to bee armed / p.58 / for Winter : an indulgent nurse to himself, and a carefull Father to his Family. Is it not a wretched reproach for a man, a Citizen, a great Trader, a busie Shop-keeper to leave his Wife poor, and his Children beggars ? that scandall will I fan off from mine, and my posterity : for (Jew) I am not asham'd to tell you, that I have playd the Jew with my Christian-brother-Citizens ; have got into my hands the goods of many, to enrich one, (that' s my selfe ;) what care I for being called Banckrupt: why should Ludgate be more disgrace to me than any other gate ? do I not see a company of brave fellows live there ? are not their fine Wives, as merry with them there, as at home ? have they not Pasties of Venison there, and bottles of Wine upon bottles ? are they not full of Gold and Silver ? can they not lye at their owne houses, when they list, and walke abroad when they list; if there be not the clogge of an Execution tyed to their legge ? who then would not breake ? who would not lie there ? O ! but to lie there, and spend other mens money ! doe not all Shop-keepers, that sweare and lie put off bad Commodities, spend others estates so too ?
I would gladly therefore (O noble Jew) bee informed from your knowledge in the influences of the Stars, what Fortune shall be mistresse over these goods, thus gotten ; and what honor I may raise my selfe and Children to, if the goods can bee kept together.
/ p.59 /
To whom the Jew thus replyed, to take a Purse by the High-way, albeit it bee manly, yet it is villany : he yet ventures his life in the taking of it, and his neck, when it is taken ; a traveller may bee arm'd against such a mischiefe : the Thiefe robs but one ; O ! but to get mens goods, by a faire way of friendly trading ; and then to improverish the owner of them, what robbery is like it? there are many wayes to prevent a Thiefe, a voluntary Banckrupt, none. Such a Land-Pirat steals not from one, but from hundreds ; he does undoe Towns in the Country, if he deales with Chapmen, whole streets in the City ; whole Families in severall Parishes. What Fortune now, thinke you, can attend upon such doings. This Fortune, and this shall be yours.
If either by cozenage, tricks in Law, or by any other divellish net, you goe a fishing for other mens estates, you shall have the curse of masters of families, the wo-worths of mothers ; the lack-and-well-adaes of Children ; and the bitter execrations of Servants. You shall bee all your life-time counted but a Thiefe, your Wife pointed at, for jetting in stolne [lit.] feathers ; and your children hated worse than Bastards : flourish you may a while in the World : you may laugh, drinke Wine, and be free from Prison, upon paying Ten groats or so in the Pound ; and then you may set up againe, and breake againe ; and play the Thiefe againe, but the hanging comes in the end.
/ p.60 /
You Break, and 'tis a proper word, for you break the hearts of undone Citizens ; what follows ? when you come to die, there's no breaking away then ; to come to die, makes a foole of all your cunning ; all your cozenage : to come to die, puzzels the most politicke Banckrupt : hee's never put to his trumps but at that hour : It is the terrible reckoning (then) the fearfullest casting up what every mans Ware comes to, whom you have cheated : the hardest lesson that flesh and bloud can take forth : you shall on your death-bed rave, and sweare, you see undone Orphans crying, and wringing their hands : your sinnes will stand round about you : conscience (all spotted) ringing one Bell in your right eare, and despaire, another in the left : hell gaping for his share, the grave for his ; and then if an arme Omnipotent flings not by the Curtains, to take you by the hand, with a voice ; crying, Restore thy stolne goods ; aud [lit.] then come away, and fear nothing : what a miserable Fortune will this bee to you. The Banckrupt held down his head, as asham'd ; said nothing, and so parted.
Who is that (said Orlotto) that beates with such authority? Marry, sayes the Boy, by his quick eye, a Mace in his hand, and a Gowne on his back, It should be an Officer. I feare no arrests, quoth the Jew, call him in.
/ p.61 /
Tho I come to thee, learned Sir, with this Copper Pestle in my hand, it is to shew you what I am (a Sergeant of London :) What I have been, is delivered in three words, (a Citizen of London, A broken Citizen,) and yet having some money in my hands, I laid by my trade, and bought this Office. I know, the sight of such a Gowne, hath put many into Agues ; This Scepter of authority (but laid on a mans shoulder) hath bruised all his Bones, yet Mace is wholesome. Many, in scorne, call us (by a base nick-name) Catchpolls, But what care I for that, when I know the Profession is honest, and a Christain Calling. When Knights and Swaggerers in the world, take up Commodities, and run in debt to honest Shop-keepers, And that they (like a guard of Muffes) every morning, waite at their doores to get their money, yet come without it ; Then the honest Officer has a Charme in his hand to fetch in all such Debts : What a sweet Chime in the eare of a Citizen is, I arrest you, to a Gallant that is deepe in his books ? were it not for men of my Coate, how many shop-keepers would bee undone ? what frayes, and what frights would there be in the City by Roarers; but that they dare not come hither for feare of our faces ? this looke of mine, through a red Lattice, has been as killing, as a Musquet out of a Loop-hole.
And what doe we, when lovingly we embrace a mans middle ; wee come behinde him, because wee would not fright him too much ; and to shew wee are good subjects, we Arrest all in the Kings name.
/ p.62 /
Arrest ! O sweet word ! O word of peace ! for, when Gentlemen are weary with Riding, or trotting after Lawyers ; we bring them to a Rest, a quiet Rest : we are their Doctors, they our Patients ; and what Physicke doe we minister ? none but gentle physick at first ; a cup of burnt-wine in a Tavern in Winter, or Wine and Sugar in Summer : if these Glisters cannot give them easie stooles, then wee gently lead them into the Compter, and there give them a vomit, to fetch up all the melancholly stuffing in their bodies : and what is the Compter ? is it not a Colledge where they may study ? is it not the Paper-house, a Book, where they may read what they are, and learne to turne over a new leafe ? yes sure.
Now Sir, all I desire at your hands, is to know whether by my place (my trade of shoulder-clapping) I shall ever come to any good, or no ; that is, whether I shall ever be Rich.
You may, if you get your mony with no rugged hands. If you rack Gentlemen, when they are in your hands, Take heed of the Temple-garden, lest you fall into the Thames. If you hale a poore Tradesman to prison, he crying, He shall never come out, but is undone for ever, And that you know before he is arrested, that it will undoe him ; your Fortune will be one day, to finde a flaw in your Conscience for that Fee so taken. If you care not how desperately you venture on Gallants, because if they cut or stab you, you such money out of wounds, and recover, by Law, great / p.63 / summes for little scratches ; Your Fortune shall be to scape, One, Two, or Three such Roaring Degoes, but a fourth will give you that which you can never recover. I doe not discommend your Calling, but your Cruelty : use all men gently, and then, some shall speake nobly of you, and give you that Character which sticks upon few of your Tribe, An honest Sergeant. Hee thanked him, and offered to Arrest for him, either Jew, or Christian : and so tooke his leave, to waite on the Sheriffe his Master.
Looke out Boy (said Orlotto) Another knocks. I see (quoth Joculo) a man, and a Head standing upon shoulders, but it has no face, That's muffled in a cloake lined through with Velvet. The Head has a long Lock, and a thick Bush, It may be a Thiefe lurks in it. See, sir, hee's come.
Are you, (said the Thiefe) that Jew so talked on for your skill ? What's your businesse ? said Orlotto.
I am then (noble Jew) a Gentleman by birth, and a younger Brother, by the sluggishnesse of my Father, who made not haste enough to beget me, before the rest of my brothers ; So that having no lands left me, I make shift / p.64 / to pick out a living at my fingers ends. I have been a Thiefe these fifteen yeeres, and am not yet ashamed of my Occupation. Why (if I be the Kings Subject) shall not the Kings High-way allow me Maintenance, when no body else will?
I see, every Sessions, Carts full drawne up Holbourne, Farewell they ; these are Riff-raffe Theeves, the Scum of a State, Pilferers, Pickpockets, and Cut-purses : But a brave Purse-taker, is the Great-Turke of Cavileroes, to such bastardly Handy-Crafts.
To play the Thiefe, is a part studied both by Sea and Land : Men in dicing will juggle in false ones, and what's that but Thriving ? All that are voluntary Bankrupts are Theeves. How many Rich men steale to the beds of Whores ? And how many faire Women, to the beds of Knaves ? If then, examples can give priviledges, my Robbing is warrantable. A lusty, hardy, tall Thiefe, who (tho himselfe rides on a good Gelding, yet cryes to him whom hee meets, Stand) may be a Leader of men, for he does such Courtisies to them on the way, that he bindes them to him. All Executors that rob Orphans of their portions, are Theeves, and deserve more to be hang'd then a Purser. A Purser is a good place, in a ship, but I hold my Pursing-place better on shore. I pray, Jew, tell me whether I was not borne under Mercury, (for he is the Thiefes Planet) and what, if I continue in my Trade, I must trust too ? My Fortune, speake quickly.
/ p.65 /
You must, said Orlotto, trust to be Trussed up. And so farewell.
Jew, quoth he, would I had thee but on Gads-hill, I am not Noos'd yet : and so stole away as he came in, Muffled.
As the Thiefe went out at gate, one met him.
Is there any body else, said Orlotto. Yes, said Joculo, I see one comming, who meeting the Pursy Gallant full at gate, looked back at him, shooke his head, and lifted up one finger, as if he should say, Aha ! do I know thee. What he is, let himselfe tell you, for this is the party.
Which, I pray, is the Cunning-man ? said he. I met a Yonker at your gate, who if he came to looke his Fortune, might have saved his labour, and found out me ; I know him, and shall one day, I feare, tell him the last Fortune that ever he shall lay hold on.
Why, said Orlotto, what are you ? I am, quoth he, a man that have few fellowes in England ; no Butcher, yet deale altogether in Mans and Womans flesh, yet, for all that, / p.66 / I am no Caniball. I am the Ladder of the Law, by which many Malefactors climbe up the steps of Reformation : No grand Jury-man am I, yet sit upon life and death as often as any of them doth. A Rope-maker is my back friend, yet my man : A Carman drives my Coach, and the Sergeants of London are my guard of Billmen. I am no Gentleman borne, yet sometimes keepe Gentlemen at my heels, for I have land (a little piece of ground) on this side Paddington, and such as are my Tenants, there pay me what we bargaine for; all this description of my selfe, shews, that albeit I met a tall rank Thiefe at your gates, yet I am a true hangman, an officer of the City by my place, and at all Executions of Justice I am seated highest, for all the other Officers are under me : a hangman (some thinke, 'tis a word of disgrace, a title of infamy.) What are they then that behind their backs hang one another ? for my part I make peace, and draw quarrelling companies to a-Cord : your roaring Boyes whom whole streets of Constables (now and then) cannot tame, when they come under my fingers, are as hush'd as Schoole-boyes.
Why then is the trade of hanging such a reproach to me ? is it not a word used in Noble-mens houses as an honour to such places, these are costly rich hangings ? when a Lady is passionate, and full of sorrow, do you not say she hangs the head ? do not Women hang about their husbands neckes, and innocent Children about their Mothers ? This word hanging is no such scurvy English as the Gallowes-Audience take it to be ; the word is ancient, and signifies much : to some it is a Deaths-head; the very sound of the word (hanging) makes / p.67 / many a one that is altogether unlettered, to fall to his Booke, and learne his Neck-verse : how many base fellowes whom some thought would never have come to good, yet in my company do not only pray heartily themselves, but request others to pray for them? You now know who I am, and with what Broome I use to sweepe the Common-wealth of Enormities : yet because I am hated, revil'd by crack-halters, scolded at by fish-wives, and oftentimes after an Execution, almost beaten to death by them. I pray (Mr. Jew) bestow a cast of your Office upon me (a poor member of the law) by telling me my Fortune whether I shall die in my bed, or no, or what else shal happen to me ; and if ever any theeving Tartarian should break in upon you, I will with both hands nimbly lend a cast of my office to him.
Sayes Orlotto, I should be sorry ever to trouble you that way (in your Precinct :) what you are, I know by the woefull experience of others ; a Retainer to a violent Death ; and a kind of Purveyor to him, taking up his provision, as Axes, Ropes, Cords, Knives, Gibbets, Racks, Ladders, &c. your place in the garden of a State is to cut downe Briers, and pluck up Weeds : your office (if you call it an office) is, I confesse, as necessary as a Surgeons ; hee cures Wounds, you Wickednes. Shall I tell you in what account a fellow of your hempen qualities is held in Germany ? when he comes to take his oath, there's a new stool made for him, upon / p.68 / which he sits bareheaded before the Burgers (his Masters) and there laying his hand on a Book, he's sworn to betray Father, Mother, Kindred, Friend, or Foe : and there being bidden to rise up (Thief-leader ;) He has a kicke on the taile given him, and the stoole before his face, burnt in the fire ; prepared for that purpose onely, as unfit for any other man to sit upon it ; Any one that doth but drinke with him, being thought a Schellum, and as infamous as the Carnifex himselfe, but in England you are not so branded. Would you know your Fortune ? If all the World were honest, you might goe hang your selfe ; for you should (else) have no Worke ; the diseases of a City must keepe you sound ; the worser the Rabble or Rogues are, the better you thrive : Witches, Traytors, and Murderers, shall be to your last day your best Benefactors ; and yet for all your Wardrobes of hanged mens clothes ; for all your dozen of shirts at a time made at the Gallowes, you must be content to live a Threedbare Knave, and die a begger.
No blessing can follow such a cursed tormenter ; thy dreams shall be of nothing but of wry mouthes, blabbed tongues, knots under the eare, and poore tottred wretches stript and tumbled stark naked into a nasty pit one upon another : Whether thou shalt die in thy bed or no, my spirits are so dogged, they will not tell me ; hope the best : But if (as others of thy coate,) thou by touching Pitch continually art defiled, as they were ; then be sure to take thy leave of the World like a hangman. With a looke (as if hee had beene going to the Gallowes) hee went away.
A Thiefe going off the stage but a little before, and the hangman entring presently after; who (if not Tiburne) should step in next ? Joculo therefore standing on Tipto to looke toward the Gate, was halfe afraid, shook, and grew pale: what ail'st thou (said his Master,) O sir cryed he ; yonder is a Thing comming hither that is no man, and yet no monster ; Hee knew the Hangman, and shooke him by the unlucky golls : It hath Three Feet, and no Head that I see, (at least no Face ;) yet it weares a Three Cornered Cappe ; a goodly Timberd Gentleman it is, if it bee a Gentleman ; looke, looke, (O Master,) with much adoe, it hath crowded in. The Jew was agast to behold such a motion ; but then it thus spake ;
Wonder not Jew, nor be afrighted to see a dead Tree thus remov'd from his Center ; neither admire that I speake and have a voice, for so many comming on fatall Errands to mee from Newgate, they (at my home) loose their lives ; and all their voyces flie into me. That Trees have motion, you see in every field how they wanton with the winds, that they sometimes speake. Remember Æneas his tearing downe Boughes to prepare a Sacrifice ; which Boughes ran with bloud : and then a voyce out of a Tree discovering the / p.70 / murder of Polidore, who there lay buried. Remember the old verse of a Lute speaking thus ;
|
Alive i' th Woods, till Blowes me fell'd to' th ground, Dumb, Living ; Dead, I yeeld a heavenly sound. |
This said Orlotto.
Thou shalt stand long in earth, but not grow higher ; and (old) be hewne, and throwne into the fire : at which word it vanished. I have not heard (said Joculo) such a talking Gallowes ; but sir, the clocke of my belly bids me tell you 'tis Noone. So the Jew arose, and forc'd me to stay Diner.